It Should Have Been This Way

Seeing more out of less.

Considering despite doubts.

Choosing density over convenience.

Waiting whilst moving on.

Flying as you fall.

*****

But...

Brewed

sya: hi. musta na po?
ako: hey. eto..masaya. =)
sya: that's nice. just visited your friendster...
sya: bat ganon status mo? ano yun?
ako: hehe. la yon.
sya: di nga? napaisip ako dun ah.
ako: la nga yun eh. lam mo naman ako...
sya: my point, exactly...

===
sya: anlamig no?
ako: onga eh.
sya: sarap mag-coffee...
ako: =)
sya: coffee tayo..
ako: haha, ok sa segway ah.

===
ako: ba't laging yan na lang ino-order mo?
sya: uy, naalala mo pa pala. *grinning*
ako: why don't you try other flavors?
sya: yoko. sanay na ko dito eh.
ako: di ka ba nagsasawa?
sya: siguro pag tumanggi ka na sa invites ko...i'd probably try machiatto.

===
sya: kayo ba, nagku-coffee kayo?
ako: never ko pa sya nakasama mag-coffee.
sya: ...
ako: tska di naman nagkakape yun eh.
sya: ahh... i love coffee.

===
sya: pano ka na-addict sa kape?
ako: when i started thinking.
sya: ahh..
ako: kaw ba?
sya: when i noticed you thinking.
ako: ha-ha funny.
sya: *smiling*

===
ako: so kelan mo papakilala sa 'kin yung constant date mo?
sya: yoko muna..di pa ko ready.
ako: para 'tong sira.. sige na, kelan?
sya: wag na..baka magselos ka pa..
sya: hehe, joke lang po.
ako: so kelan nga?
sya: pag ayaw mo na ng coffee.

===
ako: kainis ka..
sya: lagi ka namang naiinis sa kin eh..so, what is it this time?
ako: you're so good at this..
sya: explain...
ako: wala. eh kse lagi na lang nagba-backfire sa kin yung conversation natin.
sya: hmm..is it good or bad? *smiling*
ako: pwede ba tayo magkaroon ng isang normal na usap? yung tipong wala lang.
sya: *giggling* wag..boring yung ganon. tska, this is the reason why we click together.
ako: kala mo lang yun.
sya: the thing is, tama naman akala ko.
ako: yoko na nga, uwi na ko. order ka na ng machiatto mo..
sya: you're so good at this.. (mimicking the way i said it earlier)
ako: explain... (mimicking the way he said it earlier)
sya: saying goodbye without really saying so..

Front Act One

The curtain calls arrive. I hear my audience clap; I see them-- one by one-- abandon the place. The precise signal for me to bow and leave the stage has finally come. My fifteen minutes of fame is over. Now, back to being faceless, hushed, and passive. Back to my swivel chair and tapping of fingers. Back to counting days, back to waiting. Sad to say, such ending is anticipated.

***********************
I gave them the show that they wanted.
They gave me my dream.

Stargazing

It brushes the tip of my fingers,

As if inviting me to hold it

And never let it go.

One small step for me to seize it,

One faint move for me to fall.

*****

Darn.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 License.

Listen-by-Stonefree Syndrome

Close the door
I feel a breeze
Hold me please
I hate to be alone
It's a cold night
Turn off the light
Take my hand and...

CHORUS
Listen to these things I have to say
Please understand
She left me all alone again

Clear the room
Of every memory
I don't want that song back on
It's an endless maze
Take away this haze
Mend my heart and...

[Repeat CHORUS twice]

Turn away
Don't want you to see me cry
I just want things the way they were
It's so hard to say goodbye
Wipe my tears and...

[Repeat CHORUS]

So this I ask of you
Please stay with me
Until she comes back. Listen.

Guilt Trip

It wasn't cheating. The intention was crystal clear: it would merely be a meeting of two old friends to celebrate the birthday of the other and to catch up on everything.

And so they went out, grabbed a cup of coffee, and talked for two hours. There was an exchange of good laughs, something that has probably been missing for the past several weeks. It was as if they had gone back to the old days when things were quite messy and crazier but way simpler. Then, they called it a night and left a casual kiss. And that was it.

*****

THAT WAS REALLY iT. Yet, the guilt is somehow troubling. Why is there such guilt in the first place?

Pillow Talk

She was in the mood of thinking about her future. Maybe because the whole afternoon was dry and quiet. Maybe because she saw how an old couple held hands as they sit and silently waited for the next MRT station. Maybe because of the movie she watched earlier. Maybe because these past few days people were asking her about him and their plans. Maybe for some other reasons.

The phone rang. It was almost midnight. " I bit my tongue this afternoon. Did you miss me?"

*****
ah, that butterlies in your stomach thing-- it still works.

My Divine Comedy

At age 24, how well did you know yourself?

Let me give you a hint.

******

For normal days (that is if I'm on a day shift), I usually sleep around 11 PM to 1 AM, checking first my cellphone for some last-minute text messages or simply texting some persons I remember out of the blue. Between sleep and waking-up, I always dream; but most of the time, I couldn't remember what my dream is all about.

******

My diet is directly proportional to my physique and the latter is inversely proportional to my health. I seldom get sick and I really hate it when it hits me. I loathe medicines and everything that has something to do with them. I don't love rice very much but I eat it nonetheless out of habit. I love dishes with tomato sauce and potatos. I consider coffee as the drink of the gods. And given a hypothetical situation that only one food in the world will remain, I hope it will be chocolates or pizza.

******

My hobbies make up 60% of my life. I take pictures seriously; I have hundreds of them still waiting to get their space in a scrapbook. And when I take my shots, I prefer that my subject is not aware and everything is spontaneous. I love movies and making movies. I am willing to spend big (I mean BIG) bucks just to add another film for my collection. I don't mind not having a good sleep for a production and post-ptoduction. I faithfully attend film festivals. I don't dream of becoming a director but rather a cinematographer and film editor. I have been wishfully thinking to be part of Pixtar or the makers of The Matrix, Lord of the Rings, and the like. I sketch--- my usual subjects are hands and eyes. But up to now, I still haven't finished a perfect pair. I can strum and pluck some chords but I am so lazy going through the details. So, most of the times, I fake the given chords. And oh-- despite my height, I can hustle and make good baskets.

******

I don't believe in love at first sight. Ewww. Nor I believe in destiny. Everything is a matter of choice, either yours or the other persons'. Thus, I'd rather trust a guy who says"You are my choice" than a guy who says "You are my destiny". I'm not comfortable with courtship because it's superficial. And it's a bluff. I see nothing wrong in friendship turning into an intimate relationship. It is more genuine, anyway. I have met four good men and never been with a chauvinist pig, thank God.

******

I can stand people who are ma-angas, they just have to prove themselves that they're for real. I don't care if a person has a very absurd individuality or a different gender preference. And I really DON'T CARE of the person's past. I don't rely on first impressions. I talk and smile to strangers.

******

I am sensitive but not vulnerable. I'm not at ease with swearing but, under certain circumstances, I do. I can lie, I lie-- but I'm a lousy liar (believe me, you will notice if I do). I can be so mushy and so shallow. I STILL have a low level of contentment.

******

I despise politics. PERIOD.

******

I am a passive Catholic but my faith can take me anywhere.

******

I worship Neruda, Wong Kar Wai, Sappho, Mike de Leon, Gaiman, Dali, J.D. Salinger, and Gabriel Garcia Marquez. And yes, his royal buttness, Brad Pitt.

******

I am a bit Obssessive-Compulsive. I am childish. I am impatient; I don't want to wait too long. I am quite reticent. I don't want to argue. So, when someone's mad at me or pissing me off, I disappear for awhile until everything cools down.

******

I can't cook. I can't swim. I can't juggle.

******

At age 24, these and ONLY these are the things that I know about myself. I have yet to figure out the rest.

*************

Pasintabi kay Dante.

Verse 29

---

I have used to love Neruda's
Tonight I Can Write the Saddest Lines
But last night your words took over.
Why can't he be you? I mused.

---

White Chocolate

I dreamed about you last night. It was the first time in three years. I cannot figure out what was the occasion or where did it happen. But I supposed there was a gathering of some sort. I saw familiar faces-- friends from college, someone from the office, long-lost friends.

There were several rows of white chairs, all facing in one direction. A friend and I were about to sit in the second row, the two seats nearest to the center aisle, when you showed up. You were wearing your usual grin and carrying a backpack. I was surprised and momentarily stood there, frozen. Luckily, I had easily recovered my stance and smiled back at you. You seemed to lose weight. Probably, it was because of the boyish haircut. Or, it could be your get-up. I really cannot tell but something had changed, which made my sight more fascinating.

You occupied the chair in the first row, the one nearest to the center aisle and infront of my seat. You put down your backpack on the chair and approached me. It was not so dramatic though (there was actually no drama involved). It was far from what we usually see in movies, when friends or lovers or family members once again meet after a long absence.

Our meeting was somewhat casual. Plain. Restrained. But you know what was so memorable in that fleeting trance? I noticed you were wearing a funny pair of chocolate brown socks. It has a cartoon character, which looks like Mickey Mouse, printed on both sides. I do not understand why, of all the things I could have observed and remembered, your funny pair of socks has registered in my memory. That was weird and, in a way, amusing.

After our small talk, someone had approached us and bluntly asked about a certain plan and date. I did not know how to react on that. Glad you saved me with your response. I am not really sure about the details you gave. But waking up at four o'clock in the morning with a smile on my face, somehow, gave me an idea of what it was and how the conversation ended.

*****
Currently listening to 3 Doors Down's Here Without You.

The Reason

By Hoobastank
(E-C#m-A-B-E2-D, *C#m-A-B-E)

I'm not a perfect person
There are many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go that I just want you to know
*I've found a reason for me, to change who I used to be
A reason to start over new, and the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear

Repeat *

And the reason is you (3X)
I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

Repeat *
I've found a reason to show a side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do and the reason is you

******
Ako kaya, kelan ko mahahanap yung reason ko?

To someone who never fails to say goodnight

As if you know me.
As if we have met.
As if I am somebody special.
As if you will stay.
As if for good.

*********
Hey, thanks for giving me enough excuse to smile in the morning.

Halo-halo Espesyal

Stupid question #1: Posible bang maka-experience ng midlife crisis ang taong wala pa sa midlife?
Parang hindi, ano? Sobrang aga pa naman para magkaroon ako ng midlife crisis. Pero feeling ko andun ako sa stage na yun. Para akong pinaghalong Bob at Charlotte ng Lost in Translation. May gustong marating, pero di alam kung saan. May gustong mangyari, pero di alam kung pano gagawin.

Ewan ko ba. Sa batch namin, ako na lang ata yung walang definite plan. Lahat sila seryoso na sa buhay. Bakit, seryoso din naman ako ah? Yun nga lang, ibang level. Mas mababaw. Short-termed yung goals. Halimbawa: sila, nagi-ipon na para sa house rent at iba pang bills; ako eto-- nagi-iipon para sa isang Prince badminton racket, Canon SLR digital camera, at studio lighting setup. Yung iba married na yung status sa friendster, ako constantly changing from in a relationship to open relationship to single and so on and so forth. Get the picture?

===
Stupid question # 2: May advantage ba talaga pag may specific plan?

Di rin obvious, no?

Nung isang hapon, sinama ako ng bestfriend ko sa isang seminar sa AIM. INTER-ED, study abroad thingy. Interesting naman. Actually, tempting would be the right term. After nung event, tinanong ako ng bestfriend ko: "So, what do you think? Ano, gusto mo next year?" Whoah. Ang bilis naman nyang mag-decide! Next year?! Parang kaka-grad ko lang last year, tapos aral na naman? And for the nth time, may nag-question na naman sa masterplan ko sa buhay. Mag-e-MBA daw ba ko. May plan ba ko mag-work abroad. Kelan na raw ba talaga kami magsi-settle down ng boyfriend ko. *Whew* Do I really have to answer those things in one breath? As in, now na?

As usual, dinaan ko na naman sa biro. "I'm too young for that." Enjoy muna 'ko sa pagiging 20-something, yuppie, coffee-addict, and single. And besides, I'm only turning 24 (but look much younger than that...pramis) this year. So what's the rush? Pero, feeling ko di ko sya na-convince.
===
Stupid question # 3: Umiikot lang ba talaga ang cycle?

Anlabo. Pero di nga, ba't ganon? Ba't kelangan ba nating sumabay sa trend? Ba't kelangang pareho yung pagdadaan nating cycle? Na kesyo sa ganitong age dapat ganun na yung nagawa mo. Di naman sa kino-contest ko yung idea, pero magkakaiba naman tayo ng pacing? Parang sa inuman. Kahit isa lang yung size ng shot glass at isang tao lang yung tumatagay, may tinatamaan agad at meron namang nabibitin. Magkakaiba yung level of tolerance natin. Same thing with our contentment level. Eh anong magagawa ko kung mababaw lang kaligayahan ko? Kahit nga yung definition ng happy, simple lang para sa 'kin. Something that makes me smile. Brief, literal, corny. Walang stunning words.

Ang punto ko...kelangan bang magkaron ako ng punto? Dapat ba may sense lahat? Kelangan bang may thesis statement itong pinagsusulat ko dito? Ewan.

Kidding aside, simple lang ang punto ko: kanya-kanya lang yan.


*****
Hindi lahat ng pwede, dapat. Hindi lahat ng dapat, pwede. What of it? Wala lang.

Beating the Red Light

There's a recurring movie in my mind. The opening scene is always a long shot of a woman, in her early 20's, running in slow-mo. The setting is somewhat indistinct. All I can see is a series of horizontal uneven lines, which indicate that the whole thing happens in fast pace. Everything is captured using a wide lens and in high contrast. She seems composed but her eyes reflect ambiguities. She is either running away from or chasing something, I'm not really sure. I hardly guess where she comes from or is heading to. The running scene plays occasionally. Sometimes, it is even accompanied by an unfamiliar music, which I believed has emo-punk influence. I know, there are more significant events that happen before and after that particular scene. The previous one would be the cause, the succeeding its effect. This scene is just a time lapse. But why am I stuck with it?

*****
ang labo mo...

Theory of Relativity

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As the tip of his pen
finally touches the silver ink
and the paper assents
to listen to his song,
she leaves, still unaware
of the lines that talk only of her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*****
Is she in a hurry? Or, are you just too late?

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 License.

Puzzles

My hand does not seem
to fit with anyone's.
Although, it has tried to find
its perfect match.

Some have soft grip,
causing mine to easily detach.
Others grab too much,
leaving sour mark and scars.

Now I'm wondering---
how would it feel like with yours?
Where will your hold fall?
And until when?

*****
I'm not asking for a perfect hand,
just the right one.

Spaces in Between

They stand on the line
with drenched clothes and
uncertain plans, waiting
for their dreams to come.

I am in a safe corner,
sitting comfortably in
a cushion seat, watching
them with jealous heart.

*****
how i wish i had their guts...

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 License.

Hey Woman

"Your left hand is the sensible one.
Your right hand is the crazy one.
Your left hand does what it should.
Your right hand does what it pleases.
Your left hand will support you.
Your right hand will surprise you.

Women of the world, raise your right hand!"


*****
Happy Women's Day!
Hmmm..well, the official celebration was actually yesterday.

Pantomine

~~~~~~~~~~~
if i close my eyes
and fake my smile,
would the heavens
still see my doubts?
~~~~~~~~~~~

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 License.

Quiescence

The clock's hands meet at 11
As the full moon tries to steal her sleep
And the night awaits recurring dreams
Yet her mind, rapt, somewhere else.

A Tribute

POOR MAN'S GRAVE
eraserheads

I know a man who had nothing
He was a poor man all his life
He lived in a shack by the roadside
With starving kids and a loving wife

He went to church every Sunday
He prays from morning until night, he said
Good Lord, why have you forsaken me
When everything I did I thought was right

Now my Life is coming to an end
There's only one thing I'm wishing for
All my days I have never sinned
So I hope you wont ignore
What I'm asking for...

* Oh honey when I die
Dress me up in a coat and tie
Give my feet a pair of shoes
That I haven't wore in a long time
** Put me in a golden box
>Not a cross on a pile of rocks
Bury me where the grass is green
And the gates are shining...

*** Oh honey when I die
Give me a bed of roses
Where I could lie
I'm gonna use up all the money that I saved
'Coz I dont wanna lie in a poor man's grave...

I know a man who had nothing
He dreamed of satin sheets all his life
He lived and worked like a dog
Licking every boot he sees just to survive

He comes home drunk every night
Wakes up the kids and talks to his wife, he said
Honey you have been so good to me I only wish we had a better life
And now my life’s coming to an end
There's only one thing I'm wishing for
All my days I have lived in shame
So I hope you wont ignore
Just what I'm asking for...

(repeat *, **, and ***)

*****

He left his wife, two daughters, and a son. He never gave any reason; he simply ended his life using his daughter’s jumping rope, a gift he gave when she was three years old. He was in his early 30's.

For seven years, the longest conversation I had with him was "Happy New Year!" To think, he just lived one door away from us. I saw him got drunk. I heard him yelled at his wife and cursed other people. I watched him threw things away. But I know he was a good man and I'm not saying this because he's dead. I'm saying this because he was there when we badly needed help on simple things. He would fix our broken sink and water pump so that we could go to our appointment on time. He would clean my kuya's car before a big date or something. He would give us a small plate of laing when my aunt teases him that we're sick of meat.

I have been thinking...now I know why the news of his death somehow pierced my heart.

I'm still bothered, though. Of all the possible choices, why would someone choose to end his life? And why in a very slow process? Why the day before his wedding anniversary? Why before his daughters’ birthday? Ganon pa la yon. It's so easy to talk and give remarks about suicide when you don't know personally the person involved. Otherwise, you'll just realize that all you can say is "Why?" And you will keep on saying it until the thought that it's really over has sinked in.

My Summer Solstice

I miss my poetry.
The common sights are mostly composed of blank screen and ink-blotted sheet.

I miss the songs.
The sound becomes less soothing and the beat more dreary.

I miss the butterflies.
The restlessness caused by glances and chance meeting gradually escapes.

I miss the anticipation.
Would the phone ring? Will I be there if it does?

I miss the touch.
A hand enfolding another hand is replaced by mere words, or worse by illusion.

I miss being incomplete.
The curiosity for what’s next? and will there be?
And the faith that only one person can make me feel safe Slowly die out.

I miss having someone who keeps me waiting.
I miss small fights and making-up. I miss falling.

Time Lapse

You're missing me? Oh...
"If missing me is hard to do,
You should try missing you."
How about that? Fair enough?

Passing Thoughts

the moon is in the
mood of teasing souls tonight.

~~~~~~~~~~~
i wrote my sorrow
wrapped it in a piece of paper
begged the wind to sweep it away
with the stars as my witnesses.

~~~~~~~~~~~
the sky confesses:
i see your life as one big metaphor
it's a wave silently rushing
toward and away from the shore.

******
senti mode. wala lang. ;-)

follow-up lang 'to.

ang gulo ng december 25 ko. buti na lang na-agapan. kung hindi--- kill! ewan ko ba, pag dating talaga siguro sa lovelife na yan...malas ako. fault ko rin naman eh. simpleng reply lang di ko pa ginawa. ano ba naman yung "hi" di ba? ewan, inabot na naman yung pride ko. nagmagaling. tuloy, naging madrama yung simula ng pasko ko. subtle lang nung una. masama raw ang loob nya. kesyo di na raw ako nagpaparamdam. ang lungkot-lungkot na raw doon, tapos ni wala man lang balita galing sa kin. shit. syempre medyo na-guilty ako. sabay sorry.

maya-maya, nag-iba na yung mood. eh medyo inspired yung guts ko nun ni don cuervo. ilang shots din yon. kaya isang tanong nya, isang sagot naman ako. honesty pala ha. eh di naging honest ako.

ano ba ang gusto nyang malaman? ano ba ang dapat nyang malaman? dami nang nagbago. hirap na hirap na ko. sanay na ko na wala ka. di na kita nami-miss. ang labo na nung sa tin. 2 years? wow, parang ang dali-daling maghintay. pagbalik mo ba, di ka na ulit aalis?

ano pa ba ang gusto nyang malaman? ano pa ba yung dapat nyang malaman? di na ko sure sa nararamdaman ko sa'yo. ang dami na nating napalampas at pinapalampas na mga bagay. ang hirap nang sabayan. nakakapagod nang maghabol. umiyak sya. iniyakan na naman ako. pinaiyak ko na naman sya. may napaiyak na naman ako.

shit talaga. remember the book? yung binigay ko sa kanya last month. GUESS HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU? oo nga naman. ano yon? lokohan? sandali, umiiyak na rin pala ako. sorry, minsan ang selfish ko talaga.

uuwi sya para lang may mapatunayan. parang pwede? sabihin na nating pwede, kung gugustuhin. pero ayoko. ano na lang sasabihin ng parents nya? sinisira ko future nya? pero di ba sabi nya part ako ng future na yon? na ako nga ata yung future na yon?

wag na lang. tapusin mo na. maghihintay na lang ako. just promise me that when you come back, you're going to stay with me for good. ang bigat nung pinakawalan ko sa kanyang salita. ang bigat din nung pinangako nya. "baby, dalawang pasko na lang."

*sigh*

******
12/25/2003. 37th month. 2:00 to 9:00 AM, all cards have been laid down. hoping.

Throbbing Pieces

I heard tears falling.
I feel pain in your voice.
I saw heartbeats weakening.
I wanted to stop them.
I was dying to stop them.
But when I tried,
I heard my own tears.
I feel my voice causing the same pain.
I saw my heartbeats tracing yours, fragmented and silenced.
The struggle was wounding.
I couldn't even stop mine.
Now, how could I stop yours?

*****
for making you feel the way you're not supposed to,
i'm sorry.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 License.

Eve Rantings

bullshit! ano ka ba?! what the hell were you thinking?! 2 years na lang naman di ba? why couldn't you wait?! do you have any idea how much hurt you've caused? it's not only christmas. it's also your goddamn anniversary! and what did you do? you called that honesty? bullshit! to hell with honesty! you could've at least be kind enough to tell the person white lies. he's alone,in the first place. the only support you can give is the assurance that when he comes back, you're still there-- waiting. now, you've made today the saddest christmas of his life. and now, you're also crying? what the fuck is that?! guilt? regrets? how selfish could you get?

Half-hearted 2

The future passed
by my thought today.
I didn't see you.

Trance

Where did the smile come from?
When did it begin?

to be continued...

Second Thought

he has plans for her, just like you.
and he's here, you're not.

******
he invited her to go somewhere this holiday.
but for some reason, she just couldn't.
lucky you...

Half-hearted

Did I say I love you too?
Can I take it back?


*****
I'm so bad, I'm so bad, I'm so bad.

One Cup Habit

you order a cup
"iced cold," you say,
"with whipped cream"

they hand it to you
making sure that all
your requests are done

you smell its taste
you taste its smell
it's your solemn ritual

it moistens your hand
until your mind freezes
and the world stops

"it's safe again," you say
this is your private moment
as you sip, as you breathe.

*****
i tried another flavor last night.
they called it mocha fredoccinno.

Favor

Hold me, please?
Hold me until I fall asleep.
It was a heavy day.
Let me rest.

******
So much emotional drama today.

Sleeping on the Ashes

The sky seems so calm tonight,
Kids play their usual games,
Adults continue yesterday's conversation,
Noise is somehow bearable.

The evening breeze changes direction,
Tranquility passes by without notice,
There are hidden tears,
But chaos is mute.

Every glance pierces,
Scared faces pour,
Silence becomes alarming,
Everyone wishes it to end.

Tonight is not the usual night,
It's burning,
But it would end soon,
It must.

*****
There was a big fire near the office. There were sad faces along the highway.
It's 19 days before Christmas. And I hate to see those sullen eyes. I feel helpless.

The Moon and my Pillow

Sing me a song.
Lull me to sleep.
Hold my hand.
Help me breathe.

Stay with me.
Hug me tight.
Smile for me.
Save me tonight.

Third Twenty Fifth

Every word can be explained by numbers. Every story can be summarized by counting. Ten years ago, two people learned that they both exist. But it didn't matter. A year after, they learned to recognize each other's faces. Still, nothing mattered.

Two years after their first meeting, other people noticed them and they also began to notice the other. One year later, they established friendship; though, it could have been more than that. He gave her a poem, sang Why can't it be? for her, and teased her that someday he's gonna marry her. All she replied was a smile. But behind those lips was a dying wish to tell him that the poem is quite mushy, but melted her heart; that it can be; and that she dreams for that someday to come.

Sadly, the stars didn't conspire to meet their wishes. Instead, these heavenly bodies guided the two of them to meet other people. Thus, the next two years was a break. The only consolation for that was the fact that they didn't miss each other. Perhaps, they both understood that they couldn't be. Suddenly, the world decided to make some adjustments and agreed for some compromises. It allowed the two people who met two years ago experience heartaches and meet again.

On the twenty fifth of this month that year, they found the chance to cross the line. And it was amazing. There were bad days, of course. But the whole thing was amazing, nonetheless. Theirs didn't follow a 10-commandent, you-shouldn't-do-this-or-that list. They were the same two people who had chosen to be just friends a few years back. They simply added some prefixes to the word "friend" for the sake of labels. But after a year, the prefixes slowly detached themselves from the rootword. And so were the feelings. And so were the presence. So, by the start of the eight year after their first meeting, they drifted apart. She didn't feel bitter about it. But she was hurt. He didn't feel bitter about it. But he ached. She thought that she was thankful that they are over. He thought that he was thankful that they are not yet over.

The next year was another break. They remained friends. It was an agreement right from the start. He knew how she had been doing. She knew how he had been feeling. It was a fair play. He liked another girl but regreted losing her. She liked another guy but still thought of him. On the twenty fifth of the eleventh month of that year, they greeted each other with the same greetings that they had said the past year. They kept it that way. Talking as if everything was fine. Thinking about the future as if it was clear. Seeing the other as if the other was there. Everything was subtle, unspoken, and plain.

After a year, things seemed to be better than what they were the last year. He came back to that line, waiting for and expecting her to do the same. She said no, afraid that everything appears only good at the start. He insisted. Still, she said no. But it didn't matter. It didn't affect the way how things have become. It has rather made things better. It has opened possibilities. It has helped them see through things. They have become transparent to one another.

One day, he said the words that she has learned to avoid. She deliberately ignored the supposed form of acknowledgment. He understood, but that didn't stop him from saying them. Every conversation has ended with them. Saying them has become his habit. Hearing them has become hers. On the twenty fifth of this month this year, she has given him a book that carries all the answers to his doubts. The twenty fifth of this month this year has been similar to the twenty fifth of this month two years ago.

Amazing.

*****
It is a children's book called GUESS HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU. She saw it almost two years ago. And since then, she has promised that one day she's gonna buy and give it to someone (of course, not expecting that it would be him).

Synonym

Simplicity. Your world revolves around it. You choose to, that is.

You always reason out that it is the simple things that really make men happy. Not really that happy, but more of relaxed. There is no bull in that, you suppose. You know it by heart. You have been dealing with it for, what, five or six years. You already have this mindset that: when something comes, it comes; when something goes away, it goes away. You never entertain but's and it-shouldn't-be's. You never ask why because you do not want any explanation in the first place. To you, too much words complicate matters. And you hate intricacies, you always remind yourself. Things are better when they are simple, when they are undemanding.

Or is it? I mean, true enough? Are things really better when they are simple?

Okay, okay, sometimes you also doubt what your mind has dictated to you. There are many instances when you want to welcome those qualms. At times, you are also tempted to know why. That, once, you nearly complained that a certain thing should not have happened. But too much words, you warn yourself, would just complicate matters. So there you go again--- bury all the hesitations and go on with your simple life. Oh how cliche is that.

Your life now does not simply have a routine. It becomes the routine. When something comes, you let it come. When something goes, you let it go. No asking why. No complaining. No fighting for a cause or whatever you call it. In this way, you presume, nothing could possibly threaten you because your satisfaction does not depend on other things and other people. You do not anticipate. You do not worry about the time because you do not wait. You simply take things as they come.

This is your life as a routine, or your routine as your life. Whatever.

Oh how simple, how bull.

The Secret Keeper

She shields a lot of secrets
And those are not even hers
Each of them is left by someone
Who sees her as a secret's heir

She bequeaths each secret a name
And carefully puts it in a memory box
So when its owner comes again
She can return it, still locked.

Every secret represents
A person’s life with a twist
That is why she does not mind
Collecting secrets with such zest.

Some people often wonder
If she gets tired of listening
She just smiles and reasons out that
It instead leaves her anticipating.

The secrets, by the way,
Stretch from both extreme ends
It may be what lie they say
Or who are sleeping with whose beds.

Some secrets almost kill her
With a really good laugh
While others heedlessly remind her
Of her stinging, bad luck.

But, you know, there is a problem
Since secret-keeping becomes a habit
She often assume some secrets
As if they were really hers.

So, on the day a friend approaches
And asks for the saved pieces She discreetly opens the memory box
Only to doubt which are his?

She then resolves to stop pretending
That everything is still fine
And she compels herself to tell him:
"Next time, every secret will be mine."

Purple Sky

It all started with a simple question
That should have ended up with one reply
But when someone sensed her trepidation
She masked her answer with a lie.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 License.

Chasing Me

I'm using it again.
I'm feeling it right here, at this very moment.
The drive is here, and it's provoking me.
The passion starts to entice me, suffocate me.
And, wait...there's something else.
Oh, the words. Sad words. Bitter words.
Each one of them is beating.
But I couldn't hear any sound.
I should be yelling right now.
The words are throwing sadness and aches.
And they are all rushing toward my direction.
Is this real? Are they all real?
Am i real?

Circles

I want to be happy.
But when I am happy, I cannot write.
But I want to write.
But I can only write if I am not happy.
But I become happy when I do the things I want.
I want to write.
So if I am going to write, I can be happy.
I am going to write.
But I am happy.
But I cannot write if I am happy.
So, should I write or be happy?

Tanong Lang

Nakilala na ba kita?
O naging tayo na ba?
Hinahanap mo rin ba 'ko?
Sana naman--OO.

Padating ka na ba?
Dadating ka pa ba?
Pwede bilisan mo?
Baka kasi--mainip ako.

Kissing the Rain

Kiss the Rain
Billy Myer

Hello
Can you hear me?
Am I getting through to you?
Hello
Is it late there?
Is there laughter on the line?
Are you sure you’re there alone?

’Cause I’m
Trying to explain
Somethin’s wrong
You just don’t sound the same

Why don’t you (2X)
Go outside (2X)

*Kiss the rain
Whenever you need me
Kiss the rain
Whenever I’m gone too long.
If your lips
Feel lonely and thirsty
Kiss the rain
And wait for the dawn.
Keep in mind
We’re under the same sky
And the nights
Are as empty for me as for you
If you feel
You can’t wait till morning
Kiss the rain (3X)

Hello
Do you miss me?
I hear you say you do
But not the way I’m missin’ you
What’s new?
How’s the weather?
Is it stormy where you are?
’Cause I’m so close but it feels like you’re so far

Oh would it mean anything
If you knew
What I’m left imagining
In my mind (2X)
Would you go (2X)
Kiss the rain

And you’d fall over me
Think of me (3X)
Only me

Repeat *

Ooooooooh Kiss the rain (2X)

Hello
Can you hear me? (3X)

***********
I feel mushy today.=)

A Writer's Plea

I wish I could write better

To think of perfect words

To comfort a musing soul

To give each sleep a dream

To put a smile on another daybreak

To live.

From Sophie's World

What if you slept? And what if, in your sleep, you dreamed? And what if, in your dream, you went to Heaven and there plucked a strange and beautiful flower? And what if, when you awake, you had the flower in your hand? Ah, what then?

Like Feather

Have you watched American Beauty?
Have you noticed the plastic bag being swept away by the wind?
Have you felt it move in stillness?
Have you seen it fly and disappear?

I feel like that today.*

Why Fall

Why fall if you know you will fall hard,
And there will be no bouncing back?
Why lose yourself out in the shadows,
If there is no other color but black?

Tell me, why fall?

Why stay outside without a blanket,
If you know the rain is coming and it will be so cold?
Why walk with bare feet,
If you see the glass splinters from a distance?

Now tell me, why fall?

Why trust your heart and let it lead you,
When you know it hates to think?
Why ignore what your mind pleads,
If it can feel better than your heart?

Why still fall?

Why fall if you know how you fall,
And you see falling as dreaming and not wanting to wake up?
Why fall if you know it would be me,
And being me would only mean temporary?

Why fall if you know you have a choice?

So please, don’t fall.


*************
please, wag ka na mag-fall.

Message Sent Series

MESSAGE_SENT I

AKO: "para atang ayoko na."
SIYA:(long pause)"ok."
INISIP KO: "shit! careless thought, careless tongue!"
SANA INISIP NIYA: "shit! no! di pwede..."
AKO ULIT: "so, see you around?"
SIYA ULIT: "no prob."

check operator services.


MESSAGE_SENT II

Sobrang down ako nung araw na yon. Tapos, bigla siyang nag-text.
SIYA: "hi! musta na?"
AKO: (Surprised. nabawasan yung shadows sa moods ko) "hi! galing mong tumayming ah.."
Sorry, ganun talaga ko ever since. I mean what I say and I say what I mean.
SIYA: "y? is der a problem?"
AKO: "no big deal. just having a rough time."
SIYA: "what's going on? what can i do? tell me, punta ko jan anytime."
GUSTO KONG SABIHIN SA KANYA: "ganyan ka naman eh. kelangan ko pang sabihin sa'yo na pumunta ka.
kelangan ko pang sabihin sa'yo kung anong gusto ko. di ba pwedeng punta ka na lang?"

Pero syempre di ko sinabi yon. Ayoko namang ma-offend yung tao.
Tska naisip ko--- for the sake of the past, be nice to him.

Haba na nung text namin tapos bigla nyang sinabi: "Sana bukas tayo na ulit."

Di ako nag-reply. Lam ko na kung san pupunta yung usapan. Ang kulit nya. Persistent na naman.
Flattering kahit papano. Pero pag naaalala ko yung dati, parang ayoko pa...parang ayoko na.

SABI NUNG ISIP KO: "wag kang mag-alala, minahal mo naman sya nun. sobra."

Playing with Solitude

One Sunday.
Road is clear.
Clouds are heavy.
Rain is slowly falling.

Once again, she hides herself.
She cuddles herself like a child missing her father's embrace.
Her eyes are sullen.
Her heart, melting as it beats.

One cold Sunday, she wakes up.
The road is clear, she imagines.
The clouds are heavy, she feels.
And the rain--- falling, as she holds them.

Once again, she tries to walk away.
Her heart does the crying not her eyes.
She screams in her whisper.
Then, a deafening silence follows.

One Sunday.

Goodnight

Last night, I had a dream. I wasn't familiar with the place. All I can remember is that you and I were sitting next to each other and in deep conversation. Our hands were clasped. You were looking at me as I talked. Then, you leaned your face towards mine and whispered: "Why are you giving us up?" You didn't wait for my reply. You simply held my hand and bowed your head.

I knew you were crying but you were just trying to hide it away from me. I gently pulled my hands away from your grasp. Your sobbing was contagious. I was about to cry. But then, I heard myself saying: "This isn't us anymore." After a few seconds of silence, you looked at me, held my hand and gently kissed me--- for the last time. Then, you stood up and walked away.

When you left, I felt numb...empty. I got confused. Would I cry? Should I stop you? Is it over? Are we really over? Last night, I had a dream. But when I woke up this morning, I realized that it wasn't a dream after all.*

****
Written sometime in January 2001.

Wake-up Call

Nakakatawa. Ba't hanggang tingin ka lang? Andami-dami mong sinasabi pag wala ako.Ang sarap ngang pakinggan eh.Sabi nga nila: "you always try to find the right words to say". Ngiti lang ang naibabalik ko sa kanila. Eh pano, di ko alam kung maniniwala ako o hindi. Ang hirap mo kasing i-spell-ingin. Hindi ka transparent, di gaya ko. Pag magkausap tayo, siya yung pinag-uusapan natin. Kung pano nya napapaikot ang mundo mo.

Tapos ako naman, todo suporta sa'yo. "Eh ba't kasi di ka na umamin sa kanya". Lagi kong kantiyaw sa'yo. "Di pa ko kasi ako ganun katanga". Depensa mo lagi sa 'kin. Teka, define tanga muna. Anong konteksto ba yung sinasabi mo?Ewan ko lang ha? Pero sa lagay na yan, talo ka. Kahit san mo daanin, talo ka talaga. Men---ilang beses ko na bang sinabi s'yo na "if you really want something, you don't just stand there and stare and wish for a star to fall and give you some f***ing miracle!" It's all about choice. And that choice always involve actions. Kelan ka gagalaw? Pag wala na yung hinihintay mo? Pag di na pwede yung gusto mo? Sinong tanga ngayon?! Ang hirap s'yo ayaw mong masaktan. Kung tutuusin mas masasaktan ka sa ginagawa mo. Dude, you have to do something. If I only had a remote control, I would've pressed the "fastforward" button. Kaso, isa lang akong hamak na mag-aaral ng UP na walang ibang magawa kundi damayan ang isang kaibigan sa kanyang katangahan. Ano? Masakit na ba? Nasasaktan na ba kita? Pasensya ka na ha? Gusto ko lang naman kasing sumaya ang mundo. Pero pano 'to sasaya kung may mga taong kagaya mo? Hay...sana mamaya mauntog ka...magising... magpanic...at ma-realize mo na...sige wag na nga lang.

So, ano? Hanggang tingin ka na lang talaga? Huwag naman sana.

Return to You

 I want to compose a good love letter and dedicate it to you. I want to entice you with the words that I’m going to put there. I want them to touch and melt your heart. I want to win your trust again. I want you to fall for me once more.

            Thoughts are pouring down on me. And they are so wise---they come in battalions and at erratic haste. I couldn’t catch them. I do not know what to grab first. Should I MISS YOU be a striking opener? Or should I begin it with CAN YOU FORGIVE ME? Or maybe, I should simply say I LOVE YOU?

           My intent here is not to stir you but to make you understand that I’m consciously trying to change. I did foolish things back then. I let my immature side controlled me and gradually spoiled our relationship. I underestimated the effects of proximity and few conversations. I often took you for granted whenever I’m with my friends and other people. I relied too much on my belief that we are going to spend the rest of our lives together anyway-- so let’s just spend it to other things. I made you cry. I made you feel vulnerable. I hurt you so bad. And I let you feel it until the day you gave up.

            I am so sorry. I knew that you allowed your world to revolve around me. In the long run, I became your world. And I was not able to reciprocate even half of your effort. I became so selfish. I knew how much it meant to you just to hear me say HOW’S YOUR DAY? But even that, I eventually took away from you.

             Would it be possible for you to forgive me? I would understand if you are still mad. And devastated. And bitter. But I do hope that the old you are still there. I really want to return to the safest place I know-- right beside you. Can I go back now? Will you let me in again? I know, you have been guarding your heart since then. Perhaps, you already caged the little sweet thing so nothing could crush it the way I did. But as time heals the wounds, some people who caused those wounds change. You know why? Because they realized how much they had lost. And if they continue being the losers that they have been, they would end up wasting the rest of their lives…maybe with the wrong person…or maybe with no one. Lucky me, I have been one of those persons who learned their lessons well.

            I would not promise things for now. All I’m begging is another chance. It does not matter if I am not your whole world anymore. Just a chance to be part of it once again will be enough. I am coming back. This time, I am so willing to do it for good. 

            Will you love me again? Can you love me again?

 

 

Prologue

If I stop seeing you, would you look for me?
If I don't talk to you anymore, would you miss me?
If I walk away, would you run after me?
If I say goodbye, would you beg me to stay?
If you were me, would you do the same?

If I were you, would I care?

How do you live a life?

Someone asked me: "How do you live a life?"

I try to taste everything.

Sometimes, when things become monotonous, I break the routine. Instead of listening to my favorite MP3, I choose something else at random. Instead of using the usual black-inked pen, I use silver or lavander or neon yellow, or sometimes a pencil. Though, I'm not really a smoker, I buy a pack, keep it and puff once in a while. I sometimes choose the longer route from CMC to SC (riding an Ikot jeep instead of Katipunan or Toki). I prefer Burger King or Starbucks in Katipunan as a study area instead of a library. When my thesis adviser tells me to do this, I do the exact opposite. I love blue, but I choose yellow. When I have to say NO, I still say YES and give it a shot. And when I fall in love, there's no such thing as "monotonous" or "the usual"... it's always "come what may."=)



****
Sometime in February 2003

Looking for the Missing Piece

I've been counting days. It wasn't a choice, though. It just happened one day and I don't even remember when it has started.

Have you ever been there? Have you ever feel incomplete? Oh no-- don't get me wrong. I'm not talking about having a special someone here. I'm talking about the "I" in you. Have you ever feel like an empty drum? You know, like there's a big part of you to be filled up but you have no idea what it is and how to do it.

I started looking for an outlet. I began experimenting for some kind of emotional release. I tried to set aside my inhibitions. I tried to be vocal and loud and honest. There was even a point when I nearly disclosed myself completely. The efforts helped somehow. But after some time, the empty-drum-thing feeling started to swallow me whole again. And I hate it. It has controlled my moods and motivation. It has made me feel more lost and jaded. "The hell with me?!" I often tell myself. But hey, what can I do? The more I try to find that missing piece, the bigger the whole inside myself has become. Did it ever happen to you? Have you ever been there?


****
Dec.14.02

Rants 1230

I guess it happens to every one... There are times when I feel that I'm in a total control of my life. Like a drag racer, I just keep on driving my own car at full speed, not minding which road I am going to take next. All I need is to get THERE, and that's it. There are also times when I feel that I'm losing everything. Things get blurry. Questions arise. Doubts intimidate me. And all I do is to wait until it's over. Amidst all these uncertainties and surprises, I still end up believing that life is made up of pure choices. Somehow, sticking to this belief gives me the guts that I exactly need.

*****
Dec.30.02

Falling Star

Love doesn't just make the world go round. It also gives the world different shapes, and allows each shape to move at different phase and time. When the world evolves, so are the people in it. The following events are inspired by the story of my two orgmates, and this is his point of view.

===

Part I

I'm falling. Hate to admit it but it's goddamn true. Bad trip nga eh--- dun pa sa taong di naman talaga pwede. In my dreams, man, in my dreams. Ngumiti ka lang naman eh. Tapos ayun, pinaikot mo na mundo ko. Syet, baduy! Eh sa totoo naman...me magagawa pa ba ko? Ewan ko sa'yo. Kung kelan okay na ulit defenses ko tska ka naman mag-i-exist. Tagal na nga akong di nagpapakita sa'yo, hoping that one of these f***k**g days, I'll get over you. Pero hindi eh. Baligtad yung effect sa 'kin. Ano bang meron ka?! You're not the most wonderful person i've met. Neither you're the nicest, most caring, most sensitive friend I've had. Pero ba't nga ganon?! Napapa-fall mo ko ng ganito. Paprangkahin na kita---hirap na hirap na ko sa'yo. Sobrang suppression na ginagawa ko. Haven't seen you for almost 1 or 2 months, i guess. And i chose to do that. How much more when i see you again this sembreak?! Dagdag hirap na naman? Lam mo unfair ka na. I'm wounded as hell. And all I wanted right now to get over you as soon as possible. Kasi kelangan. After all, one of us will leave soon...

Part II

I miss you so much. The hell with me. Why am I wasting my time missing someone who misses somebody else? As time passes by, I've become this pathetic loser...trying to disillusion myself about this f***ing love thing. A friend once told me: "Para kang tanga?! Reklamo ka nangg reklamo pero wala namang effort sa part mo na kalimutan sya." See? Even other people have started to notice the changes in me. Asan ka na kaya ngayon? Last night, I really wanted to call you. I was about to dial your number. But then, I changed my mind. Text na lang kaya kita? I don't know why all of a sudden I got this guts to bombard you with the messages I've long kept in my outbox. As i punched the "send" button, the phone turned off. LOW BAT. I guess, it was a sign...

Part III

I saw you last night. You wouldn't imagine how you made me happy...even overwhelmed. You never changed. Still the same person that I admired and longed to talk to two months ago. I was evenmore surprised when I had this urge of talking to you. I walked toward you. You were looking at me, smiling. I hate that look and I hate that smile. They started everything. But as I was about to smile back and begin my long-time memorized lines (sincere lines, for that matter), somebody held your hand and kissed you. Then suddenly, the happiest day of my life had become the saddest...I was crushed. Dead hurt. But I simply walked away. This morning, as I woke up...I remembered what happened there last night. In full details. good to know it was just a dream.

Part IV

Di ba sabi ko ayoko na? Nabasa mo ba? Kung di, siguro naman may ilang tao nang nakabasa nun. Okay lang. Sabi nga, at least my words didn't fall on deaf ears. Yun na nga---sabi ko, ayoko na. Ang hirap mo pa lang mahalin. Para akong nakakahon. Parang kinakahon. Lam mo ba yung feeling na yon? Ah siguro hindi. Kasi pag nagmamahal ka, may nagri-reciprocate nung pagmamahal mo. Buti ka pa. Buti pa sila. Buti pa "siya". Lam mo, ito na yata yung pinakamahabang sembreak ko. Ewan. Kung kelan ko kinukumbinsi yung sarili ko na tama na 'tong katangahang 'to, lalo namang lumalala. Kagaya ngayon---eto na naman ako...trying to find and mix words just to indulge myself in the thought of being madly inlove with you. Pero lam mo, may good thing rin namang nangyari sa 'kin. Kahit na napraning ako nitong sembreak, masaya pa rin ako. Totoo pala yon. Yung you can't define precisely what and how to really fall in love unless you're into it. Now I understand why couples become so mushy, and so childish, and so vulnerable. How I wish all people could experience the way I'm feeling right now...hurting yet enjoying. I'm too grateful to be human.

Code Error

i used to love writing.

i started my "dear diary" moments way back in high school. but even then, i already used technology as a means of transcribing my thoughts. my pc, which my father had bought, served as an instant emotional absorber. having it was an easy-way of letting go of all the rantings, tantrums, and other immaturities that i had. besides, unlike humans who have been genetically programmed to ask you too many questions, it simply listens to my stories and locked all my secrets. thus, i fell in love with it more.

like any other "love stories", my relationship with it had its own good and bad moments. but it never failed to make the bad days looked a little better. or so i thought.

one day, i was excited to get home and face it again. i had so many things to share that day. as i reached home, my father told me that he had brought the "machine" to a computer shop. damn! why?!? but of course, i didn't react infront of him as if my whole world was coming to an end. i was just wondering what's the sudden need to bring it to some shop. he probably read my mind; he told me that it needed an upgrading process. i calmed down. i asked him if i could retrieve all the info. he nodded. oh, in that case, there's no problem at all. or so i thought again.

my pc came home. it had a brand new monitor which looked like an imac. its cpu looked taller than its "outdated" version. oh, wait...taller? meaning it's a new one, right? but i decided not to entertain any thoughts. i turned it on, and pointed the mouse to the folder where i had stored "my life". clicked. and voila! there was NOTHING. shit. but i didn't give up. i went to the search, typed any entries that i remembered. and voila again! there was NOTHING. what did i do? NOTHING. as if i had any other choice. they told me later on that they had formatted the whole thing and the old ones (especially those with unusual file names) were deleted. i smiled. what was i thinking? what did i created "unusual" file names? am i trying hard to be a poet or something? i kept on smiling, but inside i really wanted to scream.

so i stopped writing.

after a year, the urge to write came back. my bestfriend walked out on me. the person i liked had been noticing me lately. some friends and i lied to our parents and had our journey somewhere down south. there had been many betraying and crying times. my life had been at its best and its worst. so, i was tempted to write again.

i refreshed my relationship with my pc. i told it stories, lots of stories that i had never told anyone before. it was like the old times. eventually, i became comfortable and safe again. after hundreds of entries and staring-blanky-at-the-monitor days, my brand-new slash high-memory slash imac-look-alike pc shut down. i mean, it really shut down. i tried to re-boot it, but it didn't respond positively. i was so fucked up. again, i never thought of creating a back-up. i never seemed to learn.

from that day, i cursed it. it was so unfair, and cruel. so, i distant myself from it. even from writing.

when i heard about this blog thing, i have started to feel the same urge that i felt two or three years ago. i am not still sure on how to respond to its invitation. let's see.

Counting Days

January 2.
I'M TIRED.
January 3.
You're tired? Why? What do you mean? Hope we could talk things over...
SURE. LET'S TALK.
January 8.
Where are you?
SCHOOL.
Hope we could talk one of these days.
OK. JUST TELL ME WHEN & WHERE.
January 13.
Did you call me up? Are you free this friday? Let's meet, if it's ok with you.
We really need to talk.
SURE. THIS FRIDAY. JUST TEXT ME.
January 18. Friday.
January 19.
January 20.
January 21.
January 22.
January 23.
January 24.
January 25. Happy 14th monthsary. WE'RE OVER.

****
Written sometime in January 2001

Letter to the Unknown

Nobody here knows that I am not feeling well. I mean, emotionally well. I have never been this insecure and depressed. The past few weeks have been giving me so much troubles in thinking what really lays ahead of me. I am worried and lost right now. I even detached myself from almost everybody. I think, in this way, I could find myself. Perhaps, it would be easy for me to know what I really want if I temporarily shut my door to everyone. It hurts me every time they ask how I am doing. My pride could not accept that I am still bumming around. I could not accept the truth that, like other people, I am in the middle of confusions. And that I am really bothered. Look, I am already 23 yet my life revolves around the same things: writing my stuff; spending the day in front of the tube; Internet; reading books; and daydreaming. Nothing significant.

I am tired of all these shit. I am getting sick of familiarity. I want some changes. I want more responsibilities. I want to get out; to experiment other things beyond the usual. But how would I do that? Where the hell would I start?

Could you help me find my way there? Could you, at least, teach me the right way to start? You know, I am willing to take any chances. But at this moment, I am clueless of everything around me. One wrong move will result to another fall for me. And I do not want to see it happen. I have been into so many plunges already. I could not afford to have another one. Please be considerate to me this time. Just lead me to the right way; and I will start from there, on my own.

Whoever and wherever you are, I am willing to follow you. My mind is already exhausted of worrying. My heart is gradually dying each day. My soul is slowly being emptied. You see, I cannot afford to lose anymore because there is nothing to lose in the first place. This is going to be a huge favor, and you are all I have right now.

Untitled

I'm sorry about last night.

"Alam ko mahal mo pa rin ako. Pero unlike before, you always made me feel how special I am to you. Ba't ngayon parang kulang?"

Tinamaan ako sa sinabi mo. I never thought about it. Well, not that much. Siguro nga, kulang. Aware naman ako sa pagiging defensive ko sa'yo. I was hurt before. You hurt me before. Kaya tuloy sobrang bigat at importante na sa kin na sabihin yung gusto mong marinig.

Kelangan ko pa bang sabihin yon? Are my actions not enough?

Birthday Gift

Happy Birthday, Tay!

              It is cold and wet down here. It seems that the clouds have decided not to show up. The scene makes me feel more alone.

              You granddaughter has been having a rough time lately. For the record, I have never been this lost before. Even though I am already scared, I still have the guts to hide it from everybody. But the more I try to hide it, the more vulnerable I become. The only defense I have at this moment is my ability to control the tears from falling. Imagine the effort I do whenever I feel like crying. I think I am becoming an expert on this: pouring my heart out without losing a single tear. Lucky me, there is no one here who knows how to read feelings through my eyes. If someone would just take a second to look right through me, he would know how aching my soul has become. Until then, pretension is my best resistance.

            I must admit that sometimes I feel I am breaking into pieces. The thought scares the hell out of me. Every time it happens, I withdraw myself from the world. I hide in silence. And the only thing that comes into my mind is a strong prayer. Yes Tay, this soul still knows how to pray especially in times like this. There, I find some comfort, some refuge. When everything seems to fail, prayer reminds me of my imperfections and allows me to breathe. It helps me understand the hurting me and why the hurting me exists. But why is it that after the realization, the same feelings always find their way back? They never seem to disappear. Is it just a temporary asylum? Could I stay there a little longer? I mean, I wish that it would give me more time to rest and to recharge.

           Tay, the days seem so long. I am becoming more and more drained each day. My life has becoming gloomier than the sky. Please help me pray. Maybe if we combine our prayers, heaven will listen. And I will be saved.

           I am sorry for turning this birthday present into a plea. It is just that you are all I have right now.

           It is still cold and wet down here. The clouds decided not to show up for the whole day. The scene matches my solitude.

 

 

Rants 720

I was so close. I was almost at the finish line. But as I was about to get through it, I lost track. I lost my focus, and eventually, my motivation.

It's been three days since that incident. Three days--- I've been trying to convince myself that the next thing I must do is to move on. Yet part of me doesn't want to let go. Maybe because it knows that there's still a possibility. Three days, I feel like a shit. Each day was a blow to my self-esteem. I'm getting tired and depressed and disillusioned. I don't know what to do anymore. Sometimes, I feel that I'm opposing my principles...that I'm beginning to eat my words. Sometimes, there's nothing. Sometimes, I just want to black out.


************
yoko nang maging bum...

Message Sending....Failed

Nung isang linggo, naisipan ko na mag-apply ng postal I.D. Tutal magagamit ko siya sa maraming transakyon bilang valid I.D. Limang taon ko rin siyang mapapakinabangan. Kaya ayun, kumuha ako.

Okay naman nung una. Kuha daw ako ng barangay clearance, tapos magdala raw ako ng 3 passport size I.D. pictures. Pag okay na, magbayad daw ako ng P235 para sa application, notary, documentation at lamination.

Monday, bumalik ako para ipasa yung mga requirements. Sabi ni manong okay na raw. Bumalik na lang daw ako sa Thursday para dun sa I.D. Thursday, bumalik ako. Pina-thumbmark ako nung girl dun. Tapos, nilaminate nya yung I.D. ko. Ha! Sa wakas may valid I.D. na ‘ko. Paglabas ko ng post office napansin ko na may mali place of birth ko. Instead na Norte, Sur yung nakalagay. Bumalik ako. Sinabi ko dun sa girl. Tiningnan nya yung application form ko tapos sabi: “Ay oo nga no…pero okay lang yan. Ang importante tama yung data sa harap.” Medyo na-disappoint ako. Nakahalata ata., sabi: “Di na nila papansinin yan. Minor mistake lang naman yan eh…” Naisip ko, oo nga naman. Umalis na ko. Malayo na ko sa post office nang mapansin ko yung harap ng I.D. Mali yung address ko!? Instead na 332 Bldg. 3, sinulat nila na 33R Bldg. So, bumalik ulit ako. Ganito yung naging eksena:

Ako: “Ma’am, napansin ko po kasi na mali yung address ko.” Medyo nawindang yung girl. Tiningnan yung I.D. Girl: “Wala naman ah. Okay naman yung data.” Pinaliwanag ko. Girl: “Ah…okay lang yan. Akala ko kung ano na. Ang importante tama yung Name at signature mo.”

Ah ganon? Kanina sabi mo ang importante tama yung lahat ng data sa harap. Tapos ngayon, basta yung name at signature lang? Naisip ko lang yon. Smile pa rin ako sa kanya. Ako: “Eh ma’am kaya nga po ako kumuha ng POSTAL I.D. para may basehan sila sa POSTAL ADDRESS ko di ba?” Girl: “Naku, di ka naman siguro nila iku-question dyan. Tsaka pinaiksi na kasi namin yung address mo. Di kasi magkasya sa space.” Wow pare ganda ng rason nya. Pinaiksi? So yung Bldg.3, ginawa nilang Bldg. Wow, galeng. Girl: “Tska buti nga tumama pa yung 33 eh…”

Nakanangpost-office! Tama ba yung narinig ko? So, dapat magpasalamat pa ko kasi tumama yung 33?! Pero sige makakaya pa ‘to sa paliwanagan. Ako: “ Ma’am, wala na po bang ibang paraan para mabago yung entry?” Ngumiti lang sya. Tuloy sa pagmamakinilya. Sabay tingin sa ‘kin. Girl: “Babaguhin natin yung I.D. mo tapos magbabayad ka pa…madodoble lang gastos mo…” Pakingsyet! Ako pa yung magbabayad? Eh di ba kayo yung may mali? Kayo yung nag-type? Ako: “Ma’am, babayaran ko lahat?”

Nakatingin ako sa kanya. Yung tingin na “sigurado- kayo- na- ako- ang- magdurusa- sa- kapalpakan- nyo?” Tumango sya. Men, I’m dead. Paliwanag ulit ako. To make the story short, nagbayad ako ng P150 para sa bagong I.D. Girl: “O sige, hintay ka lang dyan para ma-process ko na I.D. mo”

Ganon? Makukuha ko rin today? Kaya naman pala nang isang araw, pinabalik pa ako. Pero sige, baka naman wala masyadong kumukuha ngayon. Habang naghihintay ako, may dalawang babae na nagpapagawa rin ng I.D. Kabibigay lang nila ng application forms. Di raw sila taga Q.C. Sabi nung guy na taga-Post office na kakilala nung dalawa, okay lang daw. Pag nagtanong yung postmaster, sasabihin na lang nya na ka-barangay nya dati yung dalawa. Nang makuha na nung dalawa yung I.D.’s nila, hinatid sila palabas nung guy. Pagbalik nung guy, sabi niya manlilibre siya ng snack. May nagtanong kung bakit. May sumagot: “kumita yan eh.” Every time na may nagtatanong kung sino ang nagpa-snack, lagi nilang sinasabi na “kinita yan ni ano…” Nice nila no? Ni hindi man lang sila naging discreet sa pinaggagagawa nila. Parang invisible kaming mga nandun.

After 40 minutes, tinawag ako nung girl. Siniguro niya yung address. Nagtanong yung isang girl dun kung bakit inulit yung I.D. ko. Explain naman sya. Sabi ni girl2: “Okay naman ah. Konting pagkakamali lang naman eh…” Isa ka pa eh! Sumisigaw na utak ko. Girl: “2 di ba?” Ako: “ Yes ma’am, 2 po.” Type sya. Pagkatapos… Girl: “Ay 2 di ba? 3 yung na-type ko…”

Calm down, calm down. Gumamit siya ng correction fluid. Type ulit. Pagkatapos, nilaminate na I.D. ko, Tska inabot sa kin. Girl: “Ayan tuloy ampangit na ng I.D. mo.”

****
Kasalanan ko rin naman. Sino bang nagsabi na kumuha ako ng Postal I.D.?

Kaibigan Pasindi Ulit

Kelan ka ba ulit dadaan? Naasar ka ba nung huli tayong mag-usap? Ikaw naman kasi---ba't ba napaka-sensitive mo pagdating sa bagay na yon? Kasalanan ko ba na apektado ka pa hanggang ngayon? Eh kasi naman... andali mong mag-fall. Wala kang pinipili. Ini-spoil mo kasi yang nasa dibdib mo. Lahat ng gusto at may gusto pinagbibigyan. Naku, di pwede ang ganyan. Minsan kailangan mong pumreno. Minsan, kailangang dumistansya. Di sa lahat ng pagkakataon naka-green light ka.

Nagulat lang kasi ako. Matagal na yon di ba? Hanggang ngayon ba naman? Bilib nga rin ako sa'yo. Siguro hindi pa talaga ako nagmahal nang ganyan, kaya tuloy puro warning shots ang binabato ko sa'yo. Pero lam mo, parang ayoko. Nakakatakot. Mas gusto ko yung ganito. Yung alam ko kung kelan ako kikilos; kung kelan ko ipaglalaban; at kung kelan ako bibitaw. Syempre, nasasaktan din ako. Pero di tulad mo, alam ko kung san yung weakness ng nananakit sa kin. Kaya sa bandang huli, di ako yung nagmumukhang dehado. Gusto mo swap tayo ng tricks? Ano?

Friend, daan ka naman ulit. Usap tayo. Promise, makikinig na lang ako.

Written Under the Rainfall 2

My friend,

Remember what I told you last time? You know, about crossing the line and everything? I did it.

I was surprised, though. Because when I stepped across it, you were there. A little shy and hesitant as expected, but you were really there. I was stunned because I had expected (and prepared myself) for a sudden, awkward fall. But seeing you on the other side have made that jump into a slow, gentle landing.

Why? Did I alarm you?

I'm scared to ask you how sure you are or how willing you are to take the risk. You might wake up and realize that we're in another level and you don't like it. That's why I've just held my peace and enjoyed the moment with you. I know--- you feel the same thing, the same fear. You don't need to say them. I can read your mind through your eyes, remember?

I'm not really sure what has crossed your mind, but I'm glad it happened. Let's hold on for this one.

Written Under the Rainfall

My friend,

It rained last night.

I started to panic. I knew it was a sign for me that time is running at full speed. I know that sooner or later, everything will return to the same old place. And it's not supposed to happen because we've already done so much efforts to make something out of nothing between us. You see, I may have been kidding you about the other person but the truth is all I really wanted was to know where and when I should step into your life. God knows I've been longing to do that. But everytime I attempt to take a step closer, you become a little defensive. I just don't know if you do that on purpose. But you're quite good at it.

What should I do now? Should I let this rainy days take over and finish everything we've started a few months ago? I know that you already know how I feel. I know that, like me, you're also scared to make things more serious. I guess, that's also your weakness. But unlike you, I don't want to end us like this. Not in this way. I don't want to torture myself of thinking of what could've been. I've already hurt myself many times because of that. I don't want to be a coward anymore.

Reality check, we're not a hopeless case and you know that. We're both just waiting for one of us to make a move. And that's what I'm doing ...I'm crossing the line now.

Under the Smoke of Capri

Last night, I was trying to find a safe place again, a place where I could hide and have a temporary peace of mind. But I failed. Instead, I found myself crying slowly. Too afraid to something I didn't even know. Or perhaps it wasn't fear that I felt. Maybe it was more than that. Maybe it was pain. Maybe I was hurt. Maybe I am hurt.

Sometimes, I don't understand myself anymore. One moment, I have this drive to do anything, to talk to someone, to feel free. The next moment, I become oversensitive and vulnerable. Then, I gradually lose focus on what I've been doing. And that's the time when I hate myself. It makes me feel that I am weak. That I am alone. That people changed. But I am not weak. Neither I am alone. And I do not want people to change. Whenever I think about these thoughts, my heart disintegrates into pieces--- bit by bit.

Kaibigan Pasindi Naman

"Nagbibilang ka na naman. Para saan ba yang countdown mo?" Tinanong kita nun pero ngumiti ka lang. Ni wala kang sinabi kahit ano. Pansin ko lang-- para atang lutang ka nitong mga nakaraang araw. Pero yun nga eh, di ka naman nagkukwento. Gustong-gusto kong malaman kung bakit. Pero naaalangan naman akong magtanong. Bakit? Sino ba ko sayo, di ba? Minsan dumating ka na mugto ang mga mata mo. Di ko alam kung ano yung sasabihin ko o may dapat ba akong sabihin. Nasasaktan din ako pag alam ko na nasasaktan ka. O sige, korni na kung korni pero totoo.

Di ka na tulad ng dati. Lam mo yun...yung palabiro. Palatawa. Easy-go-lucky. Optimistic. Secured. Ngayon, parang reserved ka na sa lahat ng bagay. Laging on-guard. Bumalik ka na naman sa yosi. Gusto kitang pigilan, pagbawalan. "Masama yan sa health," minsang muntik ko nang masabi sayo ng pabiro. Pero yun na nga, sino ba naman ako sayo para magbawal.Kaya ayun, napayosi na lang din ako. Dinamayan na lang kita. Eh pano, yun na lang ata yung magagawa ko. Isang sindi mo ng yosi, isang buga ko sa nauna ko pang stick. Di ko gusto yung
lasa, pero sige lang. Para kasing napapakwento ka habang umiiksi yung hawak-hawak mo. Kaya ako naman, hithit-buga na lang.

Anlaki pala ng problema mo. Di ganoon kasimple. Hindi nga nila maiintindihan kung di sila makikiyosi sa'yo. Hindi ko nga alam kung anong sasabihin ko sayo nung magkwento ka. Natakot ako. Baka magkamali ako ng payo. Kaya isa lang yung nasabi ko ---yung pinakatanga at pinakamababaw na atang payong narinig mo--- "Gusto mong bang umiyak? Lika dito..."