Birthday Gift

Happy Birthday, Tay!

              It is cold and wet down here. It seems that the clouds have decided not to show up. The scene makes me feel more alone.

              You granddaughter has been having a rough time lately. For the record, I have never been this lost before. Even though I am already scared, I still have the guts to hide it from everybody. But the more I try to hide it, the more vulnerable I become. The only defense I have at this moment is my ability to control the tears from falling. Imagine the effort I do whenever I feel like crying. I think I am becoming an expert on this: pouring my heart out without losing a single tear. Lucky me, there is no one here who knows how to read feelings through my eyes. If someone would just take a second to look right through me, he would know how aching my soul has become. Until then, pretension is my best resistance.

            I must admit that sometimes I feel I am breaking into pieces. The thought scares the hell out of me. Every time it happens, I withdraw myself from the world. I hide in silence. And the only thing that comes into my mind is a strong prayer. Yes Tay, this soul still knows how to pray especially in times like this. There, I find some comfort, some refuge. When everything seems to fail, prayer reminds me of my imperfections and allows me to breathe. It helps me understand the hurting me and why the hurting me exists. But why is it that after the realization, the same feelings always find their way back? They never seem to disappear. Is it just a temporary asylum? Could I stay there a little longer? I mean, I wish that it would give me more time to rest and to recharge.

           Tay, the days seem so long. I am becoming more and more drained each day. My life has becoming gloomier than the sky. Please help me pray. Maybe if we combine our prayers, heaven will listen. And I will be saved.

           I am sorry for turning this birthday present into a plea. It is just that you are all I have right now.

           It is still cold and wet down here. The clouds decided not to show up for the whole day. The scene matches my solitude.