All In

notice the progress we have made. we are good at it, aren't we? no more missed calls and beggings. no more blaming and enmity. no more updates from both sides.

i know i can't speak for you because until now i still don't have any idea of how you have been handling everything. but i hope you have managed.

i had no guts to ask you then. i shoved aside talks about you for the past several months. maybe there was an ounce of guilt. maybe i was embarrassed to stand that it was completely over. maybe i was too cowed to acknowledge that somehow we had failed.

i am so sorry. i already told you this many times.

but six months were enough. things changed, lots of them (though i let them linger for quite sometime). and i have opted to believe that we didn't fail at all. because if we did, it would've taken us a longer time to pull through. because if we did, i wouldn't have trusted someone again the same way i trusted you.

you see, moving on isn't all about letting time sort out everything. it demands individual effort. it is nursing your own wounds, not pampering the pain. it is acceptance. and a choice.

i am fine now. and i hope you are, too.

*****
THANKS,bj.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 License.

Collide

sobrang guts yon ah. i'm impressed.

rewind. three nights ago. that was one of the risky conversations that we had. to top it off, you initiated the whole thing. you said a lot and, at the same time, revealed a lot. i was more of a listener. you were talking about things as if you were only thinking out loud. no holds barred. freeing.

rewind. the night before. may kwento na naman ako. i wasn't sure if the messages were delayed or you found it somehow daunting to react. but the intervals were sufficient for thinking. did i say too much? did i rouse your defenses?

rewind. the past three weeks. more reserved random thoughts. no room for poetry. just exploring.

*****
i am speaking for you speaking of fears.

Chapter One

*****
definitely, worth discovering. and way better than perfect.
balik tayo dun ha buddy? =)

(snapshots of sonya's garden and caleruega church courtesy of community.webshots,
pbase.com/tekgik, caleruega.philippines.com, and viloria.com)

Tried and True

Hand-painted on a navy blue coffee mug is a line by the famed Anonymous:

"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over,
it became a butterfly."

I would love to own one and imagine how my day starts with that mug on my hand--
thinking for more casual whims and tossing them around.

You, conversely, would be wondering the same thing. A little embarrassed,
you would be exposing your intimate convictions, vindicating all possibilities, and
exploring more about yourself.

I would be listening to you absorbedly-- throwing side comments from time to time.

And we would keep this habit for as long as we can, not minding if it would never stop.

*****
later... =)

Shun the Peon

2:38 AM. Waiting for anything. Aircondition sound amplifies the boredom. No reply for my sorry. 2:41 AM. Still a blank notepad. No trace of sane words. 2:43 AM. Just got his goodnight text. Arrgggh! Lag again. Darn the networks. 2:46 AM. Rice toppings in the adjacent cube is tempting-- smells like teriyaki-- well-cooked and served hot. Air from that direction tastes very sweet. Teases my stomach, which by now wants to snub my seafood cup noodles, courtesy of 7/11. 2:53 AM. Finally, a progress is coming into view. A paragraph of several phrases, giving its best shots of nonsense at this hour of the day, is emerging. 3:01 AM. Be dead to the world.

*****
Windows Media Player sets to Repeat. Angels or Devils. I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold. Pause. 5:03 AM. Pachelbel's Canon in D Chord. I miss you. Repeat.

Can't wait to go home...

Blogged It

Nag-iisip. Wala kasing magawa, kaya napapa-iisip. Some men have all the luck. For some reason, yan yung nagpi-play sa utak ko kanina habang nag-aabang ng FX. May nami-miss akong isang tao, sarap i-hug. Pag nagti-text ako, I usually spell out the words unless kulang na sa space. Ayoko kaya nung "me" kapalit nung "ako" or "'ko". Irritating sya, basta . Pero yung taglish, nati-take ko na. Parang ganito. Kelangan ko ng caffeine mamayang gabi-- hot and grande of an unfamiliar blend. I'll steal some sleep tonight (hope eric meister won't mind). Care ko kung may 2 kamera sa paligid, di naman ako makikita dun-- strategic location kaya yung cube ko. Nakita ko kanina yung trailer ng Wicker Park sa Star Movies-- hmmm, ang hot ni Josh Hartnett. Gusto ko tuloy panuorin. I like broad shoulders, I can lean on them, sleep on them. Kelangan ko nang mag-MCP exam. Lagot. I badly need a motivation. Ba't kaya may mga EX pa 'no? Why can't we all have or be a current, and stay that way? But I know why. Makulit ba 'ko? Ha? Ha? Ha? Kung oo, eh ano naman ngayon? =D

Ay ang gulo. Pero ganyan ako minsan mag-isip. Random. Hindi structured. Walang definite direction. In short, may kalabuan. Kaya nga mas gusto ko na sinasabi ko agad kase kung hindi, makakalimutan ko kung ano man yon eventually. Tsaka, ngayon ko lang napansin-- taglish din pala 'ko mag-isip. Cool.

Magsusulat dapat ako ng isang magandang haiku pero nauwi ako sa ganito. And come to think of it--- I have no idea why. Anlakas pa ng ulan sa labas. Bad trip, mababasa na naman yung mga paa ko... =(

Your Venus

Cause I will be your force
And I will be your right

And I will be your sword
And I will be your might

And I will be your days
And I will be your nights

And I will watch over you like a satellite.

*****
fragments of collective soul's satellite

Page 89

they meet halfway and,
from there, begin to write the
story they have been
deeming for quite sometime.

"how should we end it?"
he asks, looking at her a
little hesitant
"should we?" she replies, beaming

at him. "no," he says,
"it's supposed to be ceaseless."
she feels the linen,
"so let this be chapter one."

*****
that's what you call a rhetorical question.
=)

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 License.

August

While waiting for the
last rain to fall, the moon peeks
shyly tonight-- stumped,
marveling, and mesmerized.

***
Swept away...

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 License.

"don't get a grip. slide.." - harinawa

...lakbay tayo kahit san.
=)

*****
sana tayo na. sana lang yun ha? sana...
just stay.

*****
sana, one day..we can go on a trip..
di naman corny yun ah...we'll do that.

*****
kwentuhan ulit tayo bukas... tulungan mo 'ko magkwento buddy ha?
ako rin may kwento. =)

Blow

last shift, broe and i had this nice chat about an issue he's currently in. and no matter how hard we both tried to make the conversation as light as possible, truth still turned up bittersweet.

broe: wala na kasi itong tolerance sa mga sabit sabit sa mga relasyon e. parang gusto na ngang kumawala. ayoko nga! i always say to her na kaya pa yan!

===

me: you only have one shot at destiny *or whatever you call it*
broe: maganda yan!
me: di maganda yun..totoo yun

===

broe: e pano kung barahin nya ko, sabihin nya i blew it?
me: naku..wag mo sabihin yon sa kanya
me: parang you're threatening her
broe: ang sagot ko jan, if u say i blew it, then im succesful. shots are intended to blow something di ba? hahahaha
me: naku...ewan ko lang ha
broe: sige di ko nlng sasabihin

===

broe: alam mo
broe: kung sakaling hindi kami, parang feeling ko ang dali dali ko ng magmahal. ganda ng training ko e!

===

me: and you know what..all love stories are almost the same
me: nasa sayo na kung pano mo gagawan ng "twist"
broe: nako jan ako magaling, sa twist
broe: ay twisted ata sa kin

===

broe: kung effort lang sis, puntos hakot tlaga
broe: kaso rito, isang scratch lang tapos ang laro e
broe: back to zero
me: that's sad..but what makes it worse is that it really happens
me: ganon talaga..
broe: hahaha! true that it happens. not true that it's sad
broe: i find 'ganon tlaga' things funny
me: i mean, yung "isang scratch lang..."
broe: oo yun nga. kakatawa
me: yun yung sad kse may limit na agad
broe: na kahit anong hirap, a miniscule mistake ruins it. do u find dis eksena funny? a deck of cards na ginawang astig na castle tapos biglang bumagsak coz of just a piece? i do. parang ganon
broe: ang consuelo nlng dun e kahit papano it was achived o almost there
me: funny ba yon..
me: di kaya but i like the parallelism
broe: if you look at it outside d box it is. pero kung hindi mo aalisin sarili mo, talo ka
me: and the thing is.. lagi kasama sarili mo
broe: for that part, matter of perspective nlng tlaga magse-save sa sanity mo

*****

broe, sorry naka-broadcast. malaman kse yung mga sinabi mo-- lalo na yung theory mo sa astig na castle. =)

update: one day after the chat, nasira na completely yung astig na castle...=(

The Catcher

I am way stronger than my fear.


*******
My WHAT IF simply tries to answer your HOW.
Nothing to worry about. =)

...

I'm halfway there, no-- almost there.

Chasing Dragonflies

what's your favorite scent?
is it citrus, floral, fruity, or earthy?
i don't know. but i love this one (kisses her left hand that rests on his left shoulder)

*****

what kind of holding hands do you prefer? (tries to demonstrate each hold)
you see, we hold our hands in 3 different ways.
it depends on whose hand i'm going to hold.
mine.
ahh, i love this one (envelopes her left hand with his right hand)
why?
most convenient (slightly lifts up her left hand and rests his right cheek on it)

*****

she loves the way he's being swept away... =)

Moonwalk 2

Her thought of walking around the UP acad oval is all about staring at the sky and observing patterns of leaves or looking at the ground and skipping uneven contours or textures of bricks. The people she meets are merely postscript to the challenge of getting to her supposed destination. Time is always watching. And the weather matters a lot.

But that was before.

****

Lately, the walk is more on appreciating almost every detail in the sky and making an effort to step into each crappy layer of stones and intimidating manhole designed on the road. The presence of people becomes apparent, as if it completes a landscape painting. Time passes by unnoticed. And the weather is consoling, no matter what it is.

****

The unhurried changes are heartening as she notices that her hand perfectly rests on his hand. It looks right, feels right. The clasp is beyond compare-- like sealing a two-piece puzzle. No place is safer than this, she muses. Then he smiles, as if he has been listening to her mind. Or maybe, just maybe, she is holding his heart.

****

Still wondering why the sky is blue?

Strumming the G Chord

"ang himbing mong managinip, ang sarap-sarap mong umidlip."
Paulit-ulit lang yung kanta. Napansin ko, ok na pala tayo.***"Where fools rush in, the two of you are standing back,
watching them and smiling..."
i'm not really into friendster horoscope-- but i let this one pass.

Freefalling

The tempest is gone.
Stay, let's wait for a shooting star.

Moonwalk

"Namatay na pala si Sin..." I was surprised when you said that all of a sudden. "Ngayon mo lang ba nalaman?" I asked, still wondering, as we walked inside the UP chapel. "Matagal na, kaso parang di lang kse natin napag-usapan." Hmmm, good point. We missed out that one. Pano nangyari yun-- we talk about almost everything? I was trying to snatch a valid excuse when the mass started. My thought was just in time: maybe we were too busy talking about something else when it happened. =)

******
thanks sa stress ball. at sa melon-banana smoothies.
at sa sizzling pusit. at sa stay. nga pala, don't worry too much.
sabi ko naman syo, just let things happen.

Translation 101

COWARDICE (kower-dis) n. - (1) The fear of hurting and making someone hate you for telling the truth. (2) The fear of starting all over again. (3) Deciding to stay only because you think you're safe with what you've already had. (4) Opposite of guts.

*****
I watched CLOSER. Reality pierced. OUCH.

Kwentuhan Na

blessing in disguise yon, buddy. para kasing nakisama lahat.
wala sya sa plano, but the timing was perfect.
peak hours na yon, but that crowded place still had vacant seats.
kahit nga yung ulan pinagbigyan tayo.

it was really meant to happen.

*****
thanks for the coffee. the best.