Brewed

sya: hi. musta na po?
ako: hey. eto..masaya. =)
sya: that's nice. just visited your friendster...
sya: bat ganon status mo? ano yun?
ako: hehe. la yon.
sya: di nga? napaisip ako dun ah.
ako: la nga yun eh. lam mo naman ako...
sya: my point, exactly...

===
sya: anlamig no?
ako: onga eh.
sya: sarap mag-coffee...
ako: =)
sya: coffee tayo..
ako: haha, ok sa segway ah.

===
ako: ba't laging yan na lang ino-order mo?
sya: uy, naalala mo pa pala. *grinning*
ako: why don't you try other flavors?
sya: yoko. sanay na ko dito eh.
ako: di ka ba nagsasawa?
sya: siguro pag tumanggi ka na sa invites ko...i'd probably try machiatto.

===
sya: kayo ba, nagku-coffee kayo?
ako: never ko pa sya nakasama mag-coffee.
sya: ...
ako: tska di naman nagkakape yun eh.
sya: ahh... i love coffee.

===
sya: pano ka na-addict sa kape?
ako: when i started thinking.
sya: ahh..
ako: kaw ba?
sya: when i noticed you thinking.
ako: ha-ha funny.
sya: *smiling*

===
ako: so kelan mo papakilala sa 'kin yung constant date mo?
sya: yoko muna..di pa ko ready.
ako: para 'tong sira.. sige na, kelan?
sya: wag na..baka magselos ka pa..
sya: hehe, joke lang po.
ako: so kelan nga?
sya: pag ayaw mo na ng coffee.

===
ako: kainis ka..
sya: lagi ka namang naiinis sa kin eh..so, what is it this time?
ako: you're so good at this..
sya: explain...
ako: wala. eh kse lagi na lang nagba-backfire sa kin yung conversation natin.
sya: hmm..is it good or bad? *smiling*
ako: pwede ba tayo magkaroon ng isang normal na usap? yung tipong wala lang.
sya: *giggling* wag..boring yung ganon. tska, this is the reason why we click together.
ako: kala mo lang yun.
sya: the thing is, tama naman akala ko.
ako: yoko na nga, uwi na ko. order ka na ng machiatto mo..
sya: you're so good at this.. (mimicking the way i said it earlier)
ako: explain... (mimicking the way he said it earlier)
sya: saying goodbye without really saying so..

Front Act One

The curtain calls arrive. I hear my audience clap; I see them-- one by one-- abandon the place. The precise signal for me to bow and leave the stage has finally come. My fifteen minutes of fame is over. Now, back to being faceless, hushed, and passive. Back to my swivel chair and tapping of fingers. Back to counting days, back to waiting. Sad to say, such ending is anticipated.

***********************
I gave them the show that they wanted.
They gave me my dream.

Stargazing

It brushes the tip of my fingers,

As if inviting me to hold it

And never let it go.

One small step for me to seize it,

One faint move for me to fall.

*****

Darn.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 License.

Listen-by-Stonefree Syndrome

Close the door
I feel a breeze
Hold me please
I hate to be alone
It's a cold night
Turn off the light
Take my hand and...

CHORUS
Listen to these things I have to say
Please understand
She left me all alone again

Clear the room
Of every memory
I don't want that song back on
It's an endless maze
Take away this haze
Mend my heart and...

[Repeat CHORUS twice]

Turn away
Don't want you to see me cry
I just want things the way they were
It's so hard to say goodbye
Wipe my tears and...

[Repeat CHORUS]

So this I ask of you
Please stay with me
Until she comes back. Listen.

Guilt Trip

It wasn't cheating. The intention was crystal clear: it would merely be a meeting of two old friends to celebrate the birthday of the other and to catch up on everything.

And so they went out, grabbed a cup of coffee, and talked for two hours. There was an exchange of good laughs, something that has probably been missing for the past several weeks. It was as if they had gone back to the old days when things were quite messy and crazier but way simpler. Then, they called it a night and left a casual kiss. And that was it.

*****

THAT WAS REALLY iT. Yet, the guilt is somehow troubling. Why is there such guilt in the first place?

Pillow Talk

She was in the mood of thinking about her future. Maybe because the whole afternoon was dry and quiet. Maybe because she saw how an old couple held hands as they sit and silently waited for the next MRT station. Maybe because of the movie she watched earlier. Maybe because these past few days people were asking her about him and their plans. Maybe for some other reasons.

The phone rang. It was almost midnight. " I bit my tongue this afternoon. Did you miss me?"

*****
ah, that butterlies in your stomach thing-- it still works.

My Divine Comedy

At age 24, how well did you know yourself?

Let me give you a hint.

******

For normal days (that is if I'm on a day shift), I usually sleep around 11 PM to 1 AM, checking first my cellphone for some last-minute text messages or simply texting some persons I remember out of the blue. Between sleep and waking-up, I always dream; but most of the time, I couldn't remember what my dream is all about.

******

My diet is directly proportional to my physique and the latter is inversely proportional to my health. I seldom get sick and I really hate it when it hits me. I loathe medicines and everything that has something to do with them. I don't love rice very much but I eat it nonetheless out of habit. I love dishes with tomato sauce and potatos. I consider coffee as the drink of the gods. And given a hypothetical situation that only one food in the world will remain, I hope it will be chocolates or pizza.

******

My hobbies make up 60% of my life. I take pictures seriously; I have hundreds of them still waiting to get their space in a scrapbook. And when I take my shots, I prefer that my subject is not aware and everything is spontaneous. I love movies and making movies. I am willing to spend big (I mean BIG) bucks just to add another film for my collection. I don't mind not having a good sleep for a production and post-ptoduction. I faithfully attend film festivals. I don't dream of becoming a director but rather a cinematographer and film editor. I have been wishfully thinking to be part of Pixtar or the makers of The Matrix, Lord of the Rings, and the like. I sketch--- my usual subjects are hands and eyes. But up to now, I still haven't finished a perfect pair. I can strum and pluck some chords but I am so lazy going through the details. So, most of the times, I fake the given chords. And oh-- despite my height, I can hustle and make good baskets.

******

I don't believe in love at first sight. Ewww. Nor I believe in destiny. Everything is a matter of choice, either yours or the other persons'. Thus, I'd rather trust a guy who says"You are my choice" than a guy who says "You are my destiny". I'm not comfortable with courtship because it's superficial. And it's a bluff. I see nothing wrong in friendship turning into an intimate relationship. It is more genuine, anyway. I have met four good men and never been with a chauvinist pig, thank God.

******

I can stand people who are ma-angas, they just have to prove themselves that they're for real. I don't care if a person has a very absurd individuality or a different gender preference. And I really DON'T CARE of the person's past. I don't rely on first impressions. I talk and smile to strangers.

******

I am sensitive but not vulnerable. I'm not at ease with swearing but, under certain circumstances, I do. I can lie, I lie-- but I'm a lousy liar (believe me, you will notice if I do). I can be so mushy and so shallow. I STILL have a low level of contentment.

******

I despise politics. PERIOD.

******

I am a passive Catholic but my faith can take me anywhere.

******

I worship Neruda, Wong Kar Wai, Sappho, Mike de Leon, Gaiman, Dali, J.D. Salinger, and Gabriel Garcia Marquez. And yes, his royal buttness, Brad Pitt.

******

I am a bit Obssessive-Compulsive. I am childish. I am impatient; I don't want to wait too long. I am quite reticent. I don't want to argue. So, when someone's mad at me or pissing me off, I disappear for awhile until everything cools down.

******

I can't cook. I can't swim. I can't juggle.

******

At age 24, these and ONLY these are the things that I know about myself. I have yet to figure out the rest.

*************

Pasintabi kay Dante.

Verse 29

---

I have used to love Neruda's
Tonight I Can Write the Saddest Lines
But last night your words took over.
Why can't he be you? I mused.

---

White Chocolate

I dreamed about you last night. It was the first time in three years. I cannot figure out what was the occasion or where did it happen. But I supposed there was a gathering of some sort. I saw familiar faces-- friends from college, someone from the office, long-lost friends.

There were several rows of white chairs, all facing in one direction. A friend and I were about to sit in the second row, the two seats nearest to the center aisle, when you showed up. You were wearing your usual grin and carrying a backpack. I was surprised and momentarily stood there, frozen. Luckily, I had easily recovered my stance and smiled back at you. You seemed to lose weight. Probably, it was because of the boyish haircut. Or, it could be your get-up. I really cannot tell but something had changed, which made my sight more fascinating.

You occupied the chair in the first row, the one nearest to the center aisle and infront of my seat. You put down your backpack on the chair and approached me. It was not so dramatic though (there was actually no drama involved). It was far from what we usually see in movies, when friends or lovers or family members once again meet after a long absence.

Our meeting was somewhat casual. Plain. Restrained. But you know what was so memorable in that fleeting trance? I noticed you were wearing a funny pair of chocolate brown socks. It has a cartoon character, which looks like Mickey Mouse, printed on both sides. I do not understand why, of all the things I could have observed and remembered, your funny pair of socks has registered in my memory. That was weird and, in a way, amusing.

After our small talk, someone had approached us and bluntly asked about a certain plan and date. I did not know how to react on that. Glad you saved me with your response. I am not really sure about the details you gave. But waking up at four o'clock in the morning with a smile on my face, somehow, gave me an idea of what it was and how the conversation ended.

*****
Currently listening to 3 Doors Down's Here Without You.

The Reason

By Hoobastank
(E-C#m-A-B-E2-D, *C#m-A-B-E)

I'm not a perfect person
There are many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go that I just want you to know
*I've found a reason for me, to change who I used to be
A reason to start over new, and the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear

Repeat *

And the reason is you (3X)
I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

Repeat *
I've found a reason to show a side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do and the reason is you

******
Ako kaya, kelan ko mahahanap yung reason ko?

To someone who never fails to say goodnight

As if you know me.
As if we have met.
As if I am somebody special.
As if you will stay.
As if for good.

*********
Hey, thanks for giving me enough excuse to smile in the morning.

Halo-halo Espesyal

Stupid question #1: Posible bang maka-experience ng midlife crisis ang taong wala pa sa midlife?
Parang hindi, ano? Sobrang aga pa naman para magkaroon ako ng midlife crisis. Pero feeling ko andun ako sa stage na yun. Para akong pinaghalong Bob at Charlotte ng Lost in Translation. May gustong marating, pero di alam kung saan. May gustong mangyari, pero di alam kung pano gagawin.

Ewan ko ba. Sa batch namin, ako na lang ata yung walang definite plan. Lahat sila seryoso na sa buhay. Bakit, seryoso din naman ako ah? Yun nga lang, ibang level. Mas mababaw. Short-termed yung goals. Halimbawa: sila, nagi-ipon na para sa house rent at iba pang bills; ako eto-- nagi-iipon para sa isang Prince badminton racket, Canon SLR digital camera, at studio lighting setup. Yung iba married na yung status sa friendster, ako constantly changing from in a relationship to open relationship to single and so on and so forth. Get the picture?

===
Stupid question # 2: May advantage ba talaga pag may specific plan?

Di rin obvious, no?

Nung isang hapon, sinama ako ng bestfriend ko sa isang seminar sa AIM. INTER-ED, study abroad thingy. Interesting naman. Actually, tempting would be the right term. After nung event, tinanong ako ng bestfriend ko: "So, what do you think? Ano, gusto mo next year?" Whoah. Ang bilis naman nyang mag-decide! Next year?! Parang kaka-grad ko lang last year, tapos aral na naman? And for the nth time, may nag-question na naman sa masterplan ko sa buhay. Mag-e-MBA daw ba ko. May plan ba ko mag-work abroad. Kelan na raw ba talaga kami magsi-settle down ng boyfriend ko. *Whew* Do I really have to answer those things in one breath? As in, now na?

As usual, dinaan ko na naman sa biro. "I'm too young for that." Enjoy muna 'ko sa pagiging 20-something, yuppie, coffee-addict, and single. And besides, I'm only turning 24 (but look much younger than that...pramis) this year. So what's the rush? Pero, feeling ko di ko sya na-convince.
===
Stupid question # 3: Umiikot lang ba talaga ang cycle?

Anlabo. Pero di nga, ba't ganon? Ba't kelangan ba nating sumabay sa trend? Ba't kelangang pareho yung pagdadaan nating cycle? Na kesyo sa ganitong age dapat ganun na yung nagawa mo. Di naman sa kino-contest ko yung idea, pero magkakaiba naman tayo ng pacing? Parang sa inuman. Kahit isa lang yung size ng shot glass at isang tao lang yung tumatagay, may tinatamaan agad at meron namang nabibitin. Magkakaiba yung level of tolerance natin. Same thing with our contentment level. Eh anong magagawa ko kung mababaw lang kaligayahan ko? Kahit nga yung definition ng happy, simple lang para sa 'kin. Something that makes me smile. Brief, literal, corny. Walang stunning words.

Ang punto ko...kelangan bang magkaron ako ng punto? Dapat ba may sense lahat? Kelangan bang may thesis statement itong pinagsusulat ko dito? Ewan.

Kidding aside, simple lang ang punto ko: kanya-kanya lang yan.


*****
Hindi lahat ng pwede, dapat. Hindi lahat ng dapat, pwede. What of it? Wala lang.

Beating the Red Light

There's a recurring movie in my mind. The opening scene is always a long shot of a woman, in her early 20's, running in slow-mo. The setting is somewhat indistinct. All I can see is a series of horizontal uneven lines, which indicate that the whole thing happens in fast pace. Everything is captured using a wide lens and in high contrast. She seems composed but her eyes reflect ambiguities. She is either running away from or chasing something, I'm not really sure. I hardly guess where she comes from or is heading to. The running scene plays occasionally. Sometimes, it is even accompanied by an unfamiliar music, which I believed has emo-punk influence. I know, there are more significant events that happen before and after that particular scene. The previous one would be the cause, the succeeding its effect. This scene is just a time lapse. But why am I stuck with it?

*****
ang labo mo...

Theory of Relativity

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As the tip of his pen
finally touches the silver ink
and the paper assents
to listen to his song,
she leaves, still unaware
of the lines that talk only of her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*****
Is she in a hurry? Or, are you just too late?

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 License.

Puzzles

My hand does not seem
to fit with anyone's.
Although, it has tried to find
its perfect match.

Some have soft grip,
causing mine to easily detach.
Others grab too much,
leaving sour mark and scars.

Now I'm wondering---
how would it feel like with yours?
Where will your hold fall?
And until when?

*****
I'm not asking for a perfect hand,
just the right one.

Spaces in Between

They stand on the line
with drenched clothes and
uncertain plans, waiting
for their dreams to come.

I am in a safe corner,
sitting comfortably in
a cushion seat, watching
them with jealous heart.

*****
how i wish i had their guts...

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 License.

Hey Woman

"Your left hand is the sensible one.
Your right hand is the crazy one.
Your left hand does what it should.
Your right hand does what it pleases.
Your left hand will support you.
Your right hand will surprise you.

Women of the world, raise your right hand!"


*****
Happy Women's Day!
Hmmm..well, the official celebration was actually yesterday.

Pantomine

~~~~~~~~~~~
if i close my eyes
and fake my smile,
would the heavens
still see my doubts?
~~~~~~~~~~~

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 License.

Quiescence

The clock's hands meet at 11
As the full moon tries to steal her sleep
And the night awaits recurring dreams
Yet her mind, rapt, somewhere else.

A Tribute

POOR MAN'S GRAVE
eraserheads

I know a man who had nothing
He was a poor man all his life
He lived in a shack by the roadside
With starving kids and a loving wife

He went to church every Sunday
He prays from morning until night, he said
Good Lord, why have you forsaken me
When everything I did I thought was right

Now my Life is coming to an end
There's only one thing I'm wishing for
All my days I have never sinned
So I hope you wont ignore
What I'm asking for...

* Oh honey when I die
Dress me up in a coat and tie
Give my feet a pair of shoes
That I haven't wore in a long time
** Put me in a golden box
>Not a cross on a pile of rocks
Bury me where the grass is green
And the gates are shining...

*** Oh honey when I die
Give me a bed of roses
Where I could lie
I'm gonna use up all the money that I saved
'Coz I dont wanna lie in a poor man's grave...

I know a man who had nothing
He dreamed of satin sheets all his life
He lived and worked like a dog
Licking every boot he sees just to survive

He comes home drunk every night
Wakes up the kids and talks to his wife, he said
Honey you have been so good to me I only wish we had a better life
And now my life’s coming to an end
There's only one thing I'm wishing for
All my days I have lived in shame
So I hope you wont ignore
Just what I'm asking for...

(repeat *, **, and ***)

*****

He left his wife, two daughters, and a son. He never gave any reason; he simply ended his life using his daughter’s jumping rope, a gift he gave when she was three years old. He was in his early 30's.

For seven years, the longest conversation I had with him was "Happy New Year!" To think, he just lived one door away from us. I saw him got drunk. I heard him yelled at his wife and cursed other people. I watched him threw things away. But I know he was a good man and I'm not saying this because he's dead. I'm saying this because he was there when we badly needed help on simple things. He would fix our broken sink and water pump so that we could go to our appointment on time. He would clean my kuya's car before a big date or something. He would give us a small plate of laing when my aunt teases him that we're sick of meat.

I have been thinking...now I know why the news of his death somehow pierced my heart.

I'm still bothered, though. Of all the possible choices, why would someone choose to end his life? And why in a very slow process? Why the day before his wedding anniversary? Why before his daughters’ birthday? Ganon pa la yon. It's so easy to talk and give remarks about suicide when you don't know personally the person involved. Otherwise, you'll just realize that all you can say is "Why?" And you will keep on saying it until the thought that it's really over has sinked in.

My Summer Solstice

I miss my poetry.
The common sights are mostly composed of blank screen and ink-blotted sheet.

I miss the songs.
The sound becomes less soothing and the beat more dreary.

I miss the butterflies.
The restlessness caused by glances and chance meeting gradually escapes.

I miss the anticipation.
Would the phone ring? Will I be there if it does?

I miss the touch.
A hand enfolding another hand is replaced by mere words, or worse by illusion.

I miss being incomplete.
The curiosity for what’s next? and will there be?
And the faith that only one person can make me feel safe Slowly die out.

I miss having someone who keeps me waiting.
I miss small fights and making-up. I miss falling.

Time Lapse

You're missing me? Oh...
"If missing me is hard to do,
You should try missing you."
How about that? Fair enough?