Birthday Gift

Happy Birthday, Tay!

              It is cold and wet down here. It seems that the clouds have decided not to show up. The scene makes me feel more alone.

              You granddaughter has been having a rough time lately. For the record, I have never been this lost before. Even though I am already scared, I still have the guts to hide it from everybody. But the more I try to hide it, the more vulnerable I become. The only defense I have at this moment is my ability to control the tears from falling. Imagine the effort I do whenever I feel like crying. I think I am becoming an expert on this: pouring my heart out without losing a single tear. Lucky me, there is no one here who knows how to read feelings through my eyes. If someone would just take a second to look right through me, he would know how aching my soul has become. Until then, pretension is my best resistance.

            I must admit that sometimes I feel I am breaking into pieces. The thought scares the hell out of me. Every time it happens, I withdraw myself from the world. I hide in silence. And the only thing that comes into my mind is a strong prayer. Yes Tay, this soul still knows how to pray especially in times like this. There, I find some comfort, some refuge. When everything seems to fail, prayer reminds me of my imperfections and allows me to breathe. It helps me understand the hurting me and why the hurting me exists. But why is it that after the realization, the same feelings always find their way back? They never seem to disappear. Is it just a temporary asylum? Could I stay there a little longer? I mean, I wish that it would give me more time to rest and to recharge.

           Tay, the days seem so long. I am becoming more and more drained each day. My life has becoming gloomier than the sky. Please help me pray. Maybe if we combine our prayers, heaven will listen. And I will be saved.

           I am sorry for turning this birthday present into a plea. It is just that you are all I have right now.

           It is still cold and wet down here. The clouds decided not to show up for the whole day. The scene matches my solitude.

 

 

Rants 720

I was so close. I was almost at the finish line. But as I was about to get through it, I lost track. I lost my focus, and eventually, my motivation.

It's been three days since that incident. Three days--- I've been trying to convince myself that the next thing I must do is to move on. Yet part of me doesn't want to let go. Maybe because it knows that there's still a possibility. Three days, I feel like a shit. Each day was a blow to my self-esteem. I'm getting tired and depressed and disillusioned. I don't know what to do anymore. Sometimes, I feel that I'm opposing my principles...that I'm beginning to eat my words. Sometimes, there's nothing. Sometimes, I just want to black out.


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yoko nang maging bum...

Message Sending....Failed

Nung isang linggo, naisipan ko na mag-apply ng postal I.D. Tutal magagamit ko siya sa maraming transakyon bilang valid I.D. Limang taon ko rin siyang mapapakinabangan. Kaya ayun, kumuha ako.

Okay naman nung una. Kuha daw ako ng barangay clearance, tapos magdala raw ako ng 3 passport size I.D. pictures. Pag okay na, magbayad daw ako ng P235 para sa application, notary, documentation at lamination.

Monday, bumalik ako para ipasa yung mga requirements. Sabi ni manong okay na raw. Bumalik na lang daw ako sa Thursday para dun sa I.D. Thursday, bumalik ako. Pina-thumbmark ako nung girl dun. Tapos, nilaminate nya yung I.D. ko. Ha! Sa wakas may valid I.D. na ‘ko. Paglabas ko ng post office napansin ko na may mali place of birth ko. Instead na Norte, Sur yung nakalagay. Bumalik ako. Sinabi ko dun sa girl. Tiningnan nya yung application form ko tapos sabi: “Ay oo nga no…pero okay lang yan. Ang importante tama yung data sa harap.” Medyo na-disappoint ako. Nakahalata ata., sabi: “Di na nila papansinin yan. Minor mistake lang naman yan eh…” Naisip ko, oo nga naman. Umalis na ko. Malayo na ko sa post office nang mapansin ko yung harap ng I.D. Mali yung address ko!? Instead na 332 Bldg. 3, sinulat nila na 33R Bldg. So, bumalik ulit ako. Ganito yung naging eksena:

Ako: “Ma’am, napansin ko po kasi na mali yung address ko.” Medyo nawindang yung girl. Tiningnan yung I.D. Girl: “Wala naman ah. Okay naman yung data.” Pinaliwanag ko. Girl: “Ah…okay lang yan. Akala ko kung ano na. Ang importante tama yung Name at signature mo.”

Ah ganon? Kanina sabi mo ang importante tama yung lahat ng data sa harap. Tapos ngayon, basta yung name at signature lang? Naisip ko lang yon. Smile pa rin ako sa kanya. Ako: “Eh ma’am kaya nga po ako kumuha ng POSTAL I.D. para may basehan sila sa POSTAL ADDRESS ko di ba?” Girl: “Naku, di ka naman siguro nila iku-question dyan. Tsaka pinaiksi na kasi namin yung address mo. Di kasi magkasya sa space.” Wow pare ganda ng rason nya. Pinaiksi? So yung Bldg.3, ginawa nilang Bldg. Wow, galeng. Girl: “Tska buti nga tumama pa yung 33 eh…”

Nakanangpost-office! Tama ba yung narinig ko? So, dapat magpasalamat pa ko kasi tumama yung 33?! Pero sige makakaya pa ‘to sa paliwanagan. Ako: “ Ma’am, wala na po bang ibang paraan para mabago yung entry?” Ngumiti lang sya. Tuloy sa pagmamakinilya. Sabay tingin sa ‘kin. Girl: “Babaguhin natin yung I.D. mo tapos magbabayad ka pa…madodoble lang gastos mo…” Pakingsyet! Ako pa yung magbabayad? Eh di ba kayo yung may mali? Kayo yung nag-type? Ako: “Ma’am, babayaran ko lahat?”

Nakatingin ako sa kanya. Yung tingin na “sigurado- kayo- na- ako- ang- magdurusa- sa- kapalpakan- nyo?” Tumango sya. Men, I’m dead. Paliwanag ulit ako. To make the story short, nagbayad ako ng P150 para sa bagong I.D. Girl: “O sige, hintay ka lang dyan para ma-process ko na I.D. mo”

Ganon? Makukuha ko rin today? Kaya naman pala nang isang araw, pinabalik pa ako. Pero sige, baka naman wala masyadong kumukuha ngayon. Habang naghihintay ako, may dalawang babae na nagpapagawa rin ng I.D. Kabibigay lang nila ng application forms. Di raw sila taga Q.C. Sabi nung guy na taga-Post office na kakilala nung dalawa, okay lang daw. Pag nagtanong yung postmaster, sasabihin na lang nya na ka-barangay nya dati yung dalawa. Nang makuha na nung dalawa yung I.D.’s nila, hinatid sila palabas nung guy. Pagbalik nung guy, sabi niya manlilibre siya ng snack. May nagtanong kung bakit. May sumagot: “kumita yan eh.” Every time na may nagtatanong kung sino ang nagpa-snack, lagi nilang sinasabi na “kinita yan ni ano…” Nice nila no? Ni hindi man lang sila naging discreet sa pinaggagagawa nila. Parang invisible kaming mga nandun.

After 40 minutes, tinawag ako nung girl. Siniguro niya yung address. Nagtanong yung isang girl dun kung bakit inulit yung I.D. ko. Explain naman sya. Sabi ni girl2: “Okay naman ah. Konting pagkakamali lang naman eh…” Isa ka pa eh! Sumisigaw na utak ko. Girl: “2 di ba?” Ako: “ Yes ma’am, 2 po.” Type sya. Pagkatapos… Girl: “Ay 2 di ba? 3 yung na-type ko…”

Calm down, calm down. Gumamit siya ng correction fluid. Type ulit. Pagkatapos, nilaminate na I.D. ko, Tska inabot sa kin. Girl: “Ayan tuloy ampangit na ng I.D. mo.”

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Kasalanan ko rin naman. Sino bang nagsabi na kumuha ako ng Postal I.D.?