Birthday Gift

Happy Birthday, Tay!

              It is cold and wet down here. It seems that the clouds have decided not to show up. The scene makes me feel more alone.

              You granddaughter has been having a rough time lately. For the record, I have never been this lost before. Even though I am already scared, I still have the guts to hide it from everybody. But the more I try to hide it, the more vulnerable I become. The only defense I have at this moment is my ability to control the tears from falling. Imagine the effort I do whenever I feel like crying. I think I am becoming an expert on this: pouring my heart out without losing a single tear. Lucky me, there is no one here who knows how to read feelings through my eyes. If someone would just take a second to look right through me, he would know how aching my soul has become. Until then, pretension is my best resistance.

            I must admit that sometimes I feel I am breaking into pieces. The thought scares the hell out of me. Every time it happens, I withdraw myself from the world. I hide in silence. And the only thing that comes into my mind is a strong prayer. Yes Tay, this soul still knows how to pray especially in times like this. There, I find some comfort, some refuge. When everything seems to fail, prayer reminds me of my imperfections and allows me to breathe. It helps me understand the hurting me and why the hurting me exists. But why is it that after the realization, the same feelings always find their way back? They never seem to disappear. Is it just a temporary asylum? Could I stay there a little longer? I mean, I wish that it would give me more time to rest and to recharge.

           Tay, the days seem so long. I am becoming more and more drained each day. My life has becoming gloomier than the sky. Please help me pray. Maybe if we combine our prayers, heaven will listen. And I will be saved.

           I am sorry for turning this birthday present into a plea. It is just that you are all I have right now.

           It is still cold and wet down here. The clouds decided not to show up for the whole day. The scene matches my solitude.

 

 

Rants 720

I was so close. I was almost at the finish line. But as I was about to get through it, I lost track. I lost my focus, and eventually, my motivation.

It's been three days since that incident. Three days--- I've been trying to convince myself that the next thing I must do is to move on. Yet part of me doesn't want to let go. Maybe because it knows that there's still a possibility. Three days, I feel like a shit. Each day was a blow to my self-esteem. I'm getting tired and depressed and disillusioned. I don't know what to do anymore. Sometimes, I feel that I'm opposing my principles...that I'm beginning to eat my words. Sometimes, there's nothing. Sometimes, I just want to black out.


************
yoko nang maging bum...

Message Sending....Failed

Nung isang linggo, naisipan ko na mag-apply ng postal I.D. Tutal magagamit ko siya sa maraming transakyon bilang valid I.D. Limang taon ko rin siyang mapapakinabangan. Kaya ayun, kumuha ako.

Okay naman nung una. Kuha daw ako ng barangay clearance, tapos magdala raw ako ng 3 passport size I.D. pictures. Pag okay na, magbayad daw ako ng P235 para sa application, notary, documentation at lamination.

Monday, bumalik ako para ipasa yung mga requirements. Sabi ni manong okay na raw. Bumalik na lang daw ako sa Thursday para dun sa I.D. Thursday, bumalik ako. Pina-thumbmark ako nung girl dun. Tapos, nilaminate nya yung I.D. ko. Ha! Sa wakas may valid I.D. na ‘ko. Paglabas ko ng post office napansin ko na may mali place of birth ko. Instead na Norte, Sur yung nakalagay. Bumalik ako. Sinabi ko dun sa girl. Tiningnan nya yung application form ko tapos sabi: “Ay oo nga no…pero okay lang yan. Ang importante tama yung data sa harap.” Medyo na-disappoint ako. Nakahalata ata., sabi: “Di na nila papansinin yan. Minor mistake lang naman yan eh…” Naisip ko, oo nga naman. Umalis na ko. Malayo na ko sa post office nang mapansin ko yung harap ng I.D. Mali yung address ko!? Instead na 332 Bldg. 3, sinulat nila na 33R Bldg. So, bumalik ulit ako. Ganito yung naging eksena:

Ako: “Ma’am, napansin ko po kasi na mali yung address ko.” Medyo nawindang yung girl. Tiningnan yung I.D. Girl: “Wala naman ah. Okay naman yung data.” Pinaliwanag ko. Girl: “Ah…okay lang yan. Akala ko kung ano na. Ang importante tama yung Name at signature mo.”

Ah ganon? Kanina sabi mo ang importante tama yung lahat ng data sa harap. Tapos ngayon, basta yung name at signature lang? Naisip ko lang yon. Smile pa rin ako sa kanya. Ako: “Eh ma’am kaya nga po ako kumuha ng POSTAL I.D. para may basehan sila sa POSTAL ADDRESS ko di ba?” Girl: “Naku, di ka naman siguro nila iku-question dyan. Tsaka pinaiksi na kasi namin yung address mo. Di kasi magkasya sa space.” Wow pare ganda ng rason nya. Pinaiksi? So yung Bldg.3, ginawa nilang Bldg. Wow, galeng. Girl: “Tska buti nga tumama pa yung 33 eh…”

Nakanangpost-office! Tama ba yung narinig ko? So, dapat magpasalamat pa ko kasi tumama yung 33?! Pero sige makakaya pa ‘to sa paliwanagan. Ako: “ Ma’am, wala na po bang ibang paraan para mabago yung entry?” Ngumiti lang sya. Tuloy sa pagmamakinilya. Sabay tingin sa ‘kin. Girl: “Babaguhin natin yung I.D. mo tapos magbabayad ka pa…madodoble lang gastos mo…” Pakingsyet! Ako pa yung magbabayad? Eh di ba kayo yung may mali? Kayo yung nag-type? Ako: “Ma’am, babayaran ko lahat?”

Nakatingin ako sa kanya. Yung tingin na “sigurado- kayo- na- ako- ang- magdurusa- sa- kapalpakan- nyo?” Tumango sya. Men, I’m dead. Paliwanag ulit ako. To make the story short, nagbayad ako ng P150 para sa bagong I.D. Girl: “O sige, hintay ka lang dyan para ma-process ko na I.D. mo”

Ganon? Makukuha ko rin today? Kaya naman pala nang isang araw, pinabalik pa ako. Pero sige, baka naman wala masyadong kumukuha ngayon. Habang naghihintay ako, may dalawang babae na nagpapagawa rin ng I.D. Kabibigay lang nila ng application forms. Di raw sila taga Q.C. Sabi nung guy na taga-Post office na kakilala nung dalawa, okay lang daw. Pag nagtanong yung postmaster, sasabihin na lang nya na ka-barangay nya dati yung dalawa. Nang makuha na nung dalawa yung I.D.’s nila, hinatid sila palabas nung guy. Pagbalik nung guy, sabi niya manlilibre siya ng snack. May nagtanong kung bakit. May sumagot: “kumita yan eh.” Every time na may nagtatanong kung sino ang nagpa-snack, lagi nilang sinasabi na “kinita yan ni ano…” Nice nila no? Ni hindi man lang sila naging discreet sa pinaggagagawa nila. Parang invisible kaming mga nandun.

After 40 minutes, tinawag ako nung girl. Siniguro niya yung address. Nagtanong yung isang girl dun kung bakit inulit yung I.D. ko. Explain naman sya. Sabi ni girl2: “Okay naman ah. Konting pagkakamali lang naman eh…” Isa ka pa eh! Sumisigaw na utak ko. Girl: “2 di ba?” Ako: “ Yes ma’am, 2 po.” Type sya. Pagkatapos… Girl: “Ay 2 di ba? 3 yung na-type ko…”

Calm down, calm down. Gumamit siya ng correction fluid. Type ulit. Pagkatapos, nilaminate na I.D. ko, Tska inabot sa kin. Girl: “Ayan tuloy ampangit na ng I.D. mo.”

****
Kasalanan ko rin naman. Sino bang nagsabi na kumuha ako ng Postal I.D.?

Kaibigan Pasindi Ulit

Kelan ka ba ulit dadaan? Naasar ka ba nung huli tayong mag-usap? Ikaw naman kasi---ba't ba napaka-sensitive mo pagdating sa bagay na yon? Kasalanan ko ba na apektado ka pa hanggang ngayon? Eh kasi naman... andali mong mag-fall. Wala kang pinipili. Ini-spoil mo kasi yang nasa dibdib mo. Lahat ng gusto at may gusto pinagbibigyan. Naku, di pwede ang ganyan. Minsan kailangan mong pumreno. Minsan, kailangang dumistansya. Di sa lahat ng pagkakataon naka-green light ka.

Nagulat lang kasi ako. Matagal na yon di ba? Hanggang ngayon ba naman? Bilib nga rin ako sa'yo. Siguro hindi pa talaga ako nagmahal nang ganyan, kaya tuloy puro warning shots ang binabato ko sa'yo. Pero lam mo, parang ayoko. Nakakatakot. Mas gusto ko yung ganito. Yung alam ko kung kelan ako kikilos; kung kelan ko ipaglalaban; at kung kelan ako bibitaw. Syempre, nasasaktan din ako. Pero di tulad mo, alam ko kung san yung weakness ng nananakit sa kin. Kaya sa bandang huli, di ako yung nagmumukhang dehado. Gusto mo swap tayo ng tricks? Ano?

Friend, daan ka naman ulit. Usap tayo. Promise, makikinig na lang ako.

Written Under the Rainfall 2

My friend,

Remember what I told you last time? You know, about crossing the line and everything? I did it.

I was surprised, though. Because when I stepped across it, you were there. A little shy and hesitant as expected, but you were really there. I was stunned because I had expected (and prepared myself) for a sudden, awkward fall. But seeing you on the other side have made that jump into a slow, gentle landing.

Why? Did I alarm you?

I'm scared to ask you how sure you are or how willing you are to take the risk. You might wake up and realize that we're in another level and you don't like it. That's why I've just held my peace and enjoyed the moment with you. I know--- you feel the same thing, the same fear. You don't need to say them. I can read your mind through your eyes, remember?

I'm not really sure what has crossed your mind, but I'm glad it happened. Let's hold on for this one.

Written Under the Rainfall

My friend,

It rained last night.

I started to panic. I knew it was a sign for me that time is running at full speed. I know that sooner or later, everything will return to the same old place. And it's not supposed to happen because we've already done so much efforts to make something out of nothing between us. You see, I may have been kidding you about the other person but the truth is all I really wanted was to know where and when I should step into your life. God knows I've been longing to do that. But everytime I attempt to take a step closer, you become a little defensive. I just don't know if you do that on purpose. But you're quite good at it.

What should I do now? Should I let this rainy days take over and finish everything we've started a few months ago? I know that you already know how I feel. I know that, like me, you're also scared to make things more serious. I guess, that's also your weakness. But unlike you, I don't want to end us like this. Not in this way. I don't want to torture myself of thinking of what could've been. I've already hurt myself many times because of that. I don't want to be a coward anymore.

Reality check, we're not a hopeless case and you know that. We're both just waiting for one of us to make a move. And that's what I'm doing ...I'm crossing the line now.

Under the Smoke of Capri

Last night, I was trying to find a safe place again, a place where I could hide and have a temporary peace of mind. But I failed. Instead, I found myself crying slowly. Too afraid to something I didn't even know. Or perhaps it wasn't fear that I felt. Maybe it was more than that. Maybe it was pain. Maybe I was hurt. Maybe I am hurt.

Sometimes, I don't understand myself anymore. One moment, I have this drive to do anything, to talk to someone, to feel free. The next moment, I become oversensitive and vulnerable. Then, I gradually lose focus on what I've been doing. And that's the time when I hate myself. It makes me feel that I am weak. That I am alone. That people changed. But I am not weak. Neither I am alone. And I do not want people to change. Whenever I think about these thoughts, my heart disintegrates into pieces--- bit by bit.

Kaibigan Pasindi Naman

"Nagbibilang ka na naman. Para saan ba yang countdown mo?" Tinanong kita nun pero ngumiti ka lang. Ni wala kang sinabi kahit ano. Pansin ko lang-- para atang lutang ka nitong mga nakaraang araw. Pero yun nga eh, di ka naman nagkukwento. Gustong-gusto kong malaman kung bakit. Pero naaalangan naman akong magtanong. Bakit? Sino ba ko sayo, di ba? Minsan dumating ka na mugto ang mga mata mo. Di ko alam kung ano yung sasabihin ko o may dapat ba akong sabihin. Nasasaktan din ako pag alam ko na nasasaktan ka. O sige, korni na kung korni pero totoo.

Di ka na tulad ng dati. Lam mo yun...yung palabiro. Palatawa. Easy-go-lucky. Optimistic. Secured. Ngayon, parang reserved ka na sa lahat ng bagay. Laging on-guard. Bumalik ka na naman sa yosi. Gusto kitang pigilan, pagbawalan. "Masama yan sa health," minsang muntik ko nang masabi sayo ng pabiro. Pero yun na nga, sino ba naman ako sayo para magbawal.Kaya ayun, napayosi na lang din ako. Dinamayan na lang kita. Eh pano, yun na lang ata yung magagawa ko. Isang sindi mo ng yosi, isang buga ko sa nauna ko pang stick. Di ko gusto yung
lasa, pero sige lang. Para kasing napapakwento ka habang umiiksi yung hawak-hawak mo. Kaya ako naman, hithit-buga na lang.

Anlaki pala ng problema mo. Di ganoon kasimple. Hindi nga nila maiintindihan kung di sila makikiyosi sa'yo. Hindi ko nga alam kung anong sasabihin ko sayo nung magkwento ka. Natakot ako. Baka magkamali ako ng payo. Kaya isa lang yung nasabi ko ---yung pinakatanga at pinakamababaw na atang payong narinig mo--- "Gusto mong bang umiyak? Lika dito..."

Ano yun na?

Ano split na?
HA? IKAW?
Ewan...ikaw?
EWAN DIN...SO?
So...pano?
PANO NGA BA?
Hmm...di ko lam eh...(ANO BA!?!OO 0 HINDI LANG NAMAN EH.)
MALABO BA? (Oo lang o hindi, mahirap bang sagutin yon?)
Ha? Ang alin? (PWEDE BA SABIHIN MO NA?)
YUNG SA 'TIN. (Mahal mo pa ba ko?)
Malabo na ba?(MAHAL NAMAN KITA EH.)
IKAW YUNG UNANG NAGTANONG DI BA? (Sabihin mo na kasi kung ayaw mo na.)
Parang kasing walang nangyayari eh...(SHIT. PLEASE WAG KANG PUMAYAG...)
OO NGA EH...PAULIT-ULIT NA LANG.
(Ba't ganon? Ba't ayaw mo na?)
So? (PLEASE...)
SPLIT NA? (Anong gusto mong gawin ko? Sabihin mo lang.)
Sige...
SIGE.

Blaming the Scars

So you're leaving? I thought everything that has been happening between us lately was leading us to a certain direction. But when you told me about "it", everything just ended in my mind.

I'm sorry. I know you're expecting too much now. I know I said something like "staying". But you never mentioned something like "leaving". I feel stupid. I know you'll come back. But I don't think I can wait AGAIN anymore. That's what I’ve been doing the entire time that we were together. I'm so sorry. I can't promise you what you've wanted me to promise you. Your heart is good, I know. But mine is already tired. The last time you left, it got scars all over it. But it forced to heal itself because of the thought that what had happened was so unintentional. But this time---everything is planned. And the scars are becoming visible again. And they just reminded my heart about the past. That's why my heart decided to hold its peace and back off. I'm sorry---I just couldn't afford to hurt myself more.

When you leave, don't say goodbye. Don't ask me again about that promise thing. Better yet, don't see me. I can already picture how everything would happen that day. You will cry. I might cry. But what difference would the tears make? Could they make the scars disappear? Could the tears cut the distance and time that you're going to create? You know the answer. So please, let's stop this mind game. It's already clear: you have to go and I have to stay.

Cold Feb14

happy valentine's day.
aga ko nagising kanina.
tinext kung sino mati-text.
sabay bati ng happy valentine's day.
pero sa totoo lang di naman ako happy.
wala ring planong magpaka-mushy ngayong araw.
eh di ba nga andami kong iniisip?
kahapon sabi ko takot ako.
tapos sabi ko mawawala rin yon.
yosi lang naman katapat.
ngayon, bumabalik na naman yung pakiramdam na yon.
ba't kaya?
torture na nga yung dating eh.
isang malaking bullshit.
may gusto akong kwentuhan ng sentiments ko.
may gusto akong makasama ngayong araw.
wala lang. yung tipong wala kaming ibang gagawin.
kwentuhan ng kahit ano. kahit saan.
kaya lang, nawawala naman yung taong yon.
ah siguro may iba na syang plano---
sa ibang tao sa araw na 'to.
so, malamang ako lang...na naman.

Awit ng Pebrero

"Quit na!" Paulit-ulit na isinisigaw sa 'kin. Sabay-sabay. Nakakabingi. Walang magawa ang pagtakip ng dalawang kamay ko sa mga tainga ko.Tangina sila...ba't ako magku-quit?! Para ano? Para mas mapatunayan nila na sila pa rin ang bida?! Fuck them! Fuck them all! Ibahin nila ko sa mga sinubukan at pinasubo nila. Sila lang luluhuran ko? Hell no.

Pero lam nyo minsan parang gusto ko na ring umayaw.Kahit na nagiging masokista na 'ko, ramdam na ramdam ko pa rin yung sakit ng mga sinasabi at pinapagawa nila sa 'kin. Matapang daw ako kaya ganun na lang.Isang sigaw nila, isang dapa ko.

"Ayoko na..." Minsan naririnig ko yung sarili ko na nakikiusap. Pero lam nyo yun---ayaw ko pa ring makinig. Pakiramdam ko nga tumitigas na yung puso ko. Na kahit dun sa malalapit sa kin hindi na nakikinig. Ayaw nang makinig. Ewan ko ba...andami ko kasing gustong patunayan. Mataas yung ambisyon. "Trying hard". Ma-pride. Kaya tuloy eto, walang ibang magawa kundi umamin at tumanggap ng pagkatalo sa isang sulat.

Shit. Shit talaga ako. Ang sarap iuntog ang ulo.

"Bitaw na."

Malapit na.

Ganito Sana, Kung Ako Siya

Kulang ang tulog mo? Pareho lang naman tayo.
Eto, lutang din. Nakakainis na nga eh.
Masaya ka pala pag magkasama tayo. Salamat ha?
Natuwa naman ako dun. Sana nga totoo.
Minsan lang kasi may magsabi ng ganun sa kin.
Pero teka, ba't naman tinapos mo na?
Kumbaga, nilagyan mo na ng ending yung sa 'tin.
Di ba pwedeng open-ended na lang?
Tipong come-what-may?
Pwede bang ganun?
Ikaw kasi---ayaw mo atang mag-risk.
Kunsabagay, pareho lang ata tayo.
Pero lam mo, me nabasa ako minsan.
Sabi: If you risk nothing, you risk even more.
Kakainis no? Pero totoo.

Romanticized Angas

Oy--asan ka na kaya?
Wala na 'kong balita sa'yo.
Pero mas mabuti na rin yon. Siguro.
Pag ganito kasing mga panahon, di maiwasan yung kahit papano maisip ka.
Shit! What a line! Nagiging baduy na naman ako.

Pero, di nga. Naalala lang kita.
Eh pano ba naman sa'yo ko lang naramdaman yung ganong pakiramdam.
Yun bang nati-take for granted.
Yung dapat nasa tabi kita nung mga panahong yun, pero wala ka naman.
Yung dapat visible ka.
Yung nandyan ka lang.

Ganon ka ba talaga? O sa 'kin lang?
O baka marami ka lang talagang ginagawa.
Eto na naman ako. Nagbubuhos ng sama ng loob.

Pasensya ka na ha?
Dami ko kasing dinadala ngayon. Daming iniisip.
Dapat sana may kasama ko.
Iba rin kasi yung ganon. Yung may nagku-comfort sayo.
Yung kahit di naman talaga ok, sasabihin nya na ok. Tapos parang ok na rin talaga.
Yung kahit na emotionally unstable ka, feeling mo malakas ka pa rin kasi andyan sya.
Yung di maba-bad trip sa'yo pag nagtext ka ng 3am.
Tatawagan ka pa nya nun.
Makikipagkwentuhan hanggang sa ikaw na yun mapagod at antukin.

Di ko sinasabi 'to para bumalik ka ha?
Overrated sentiments lang po ng isang hyped romantic.
Nililinaw lang yung mga gray areas sa dibdib.
Ang bigat-bigat kasi.

Pero may ipapakiusap sana ko sa'yo...kung ok lang?
Sana pag may mahanap kang iba,wag mo nang ulitin yung nangyari sa 'tin…
Since you're already very good in words, deal more with actions.
The best tangible thing na maibibigay mo eh yung presence mo. Physically.
And try not to lose the person anymore.
Sige, ikaw rin.

Sana makarating 'to sa'yo.
Belated happy valentine's day nga pala.

Kwentong Ewan

Di ako okay.
Daming gumugulo sa utak ko.
Andaming tinatagong takot ng dibdib ko.
Minsan parang ang babaw pero di ko pa rin mapigilang mag-isip.
Eh putcha!
Ba't sa iba parang andali-dali?!
Parang wala lang.
Kanina nga lang umiyak na naman ako.
Pero pigil.
Yung tipong paunti-unti...dahan-dahan.
Yung walang makakapansin.
Parang sa tanga nga eh.
Sa harap n'yo okay lang ako.
"Cool" kumbaga.
Pero pag ako na lang?
Ha!
Lagi akong bumibigay.
Humihina depensa ko.
Ma-pride lang kasi ako.
Ayokong sabihin ng ibang tao na "para yun lang?"
Na ang hina ko.
Siguro pride ko na rin yung nagpapalakas "kuno" sa akin ngayon.
Langyang "pride" yon, may naitutulong pala.

Ay nga pala--- naiiyak na naman ako. Gusto na namang lumabas ng takot sa dibdib ko. Pero tulad ng dati-- dapat pigil. Dapat dahan-dahan. Dapat walang makaalam. Dapat "cool" lang ako. Sige---iiiyak ko muna 'to tska iyoyosi. May tatlo pa ko dito. Mamaya lang, okay na naman ako.

In Qualms

How are you?
How’s us?
Are you okay?
Are we okay?

I missed you.
I missed us.
Do you know that I’m scared?
Ive never been this scared before.

I trust you.
But I don’t trust us.
Not because of you.
But because of me.

You told me :“I LOVE YOU”.
I told you:“ I LOVE YOU MORE.”
You said “FOREVER”.
I said nothing.

I know you.
You say what you mean and you mean what you say.
But what if your FOREVER won’t be forever?
What if when I finally found the courage to say FOREVER, you’re gone?

I haven’t seen you lately.
I know you’ve been preoccupied with so many things.
And I'm not one of them.
I understand.

We haven’t talked much the last time you called.
You had a tough day.
You were tired.
I did nothing the whole day, but I FEEL TIRED.

You said: “love you, miss you.”
I said: “bye, goodnight.”

I’m scared.

Do I still miss you?
Do I still care if you called or not?
Do I still worry if I don’t know where you are?
Do I still think about you?

Sometimes I feel I wanted to go.
Yet I always choose to stay.
Sometimes I picture myself with someone.
Someone, but not you.

I’m scared.
Do I still love you?

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 License.

Why I Hate Myself When I Write

I love writing.

When I write, I remind myself that I'm living. That my life isn't boring. That I make sense. But the problem is, once I sit down and start scribbling my thoughts, I become so focused and lost at the same time. I become so overwhelmed by my own emotions. I become so passionate. I start to acknowledge no boundary. My hand seems to have its own raging, unmerciful mind. I feel like I'm in a big room, with words scattered and suspended everywhere. All I need to do is grab them, one by one, until I satisfy myself.

When I write, I become hungry. I long for more thoughts and more emotions and more words. My heart beats faster as I etch each letter. A friend once told me, "Careful. You might hurt someone. Or worse, you might hurt yourself." It hit me. But I would really love to see it happens. I want my words to sting somebody’s heart, and my thoughts to inspire another mind. Imagine, how subtle yet powerful would that be.

Every time I write, I create my own jungle and declare my own war. And eventually become lost in it. I struggle with every trap and every enemy I encounter along the way. Sometimes, I hide myself behind the words that I used and take a rest. Sometimes, I feel betrayed by my own words. But other times, I also betray them and take the side of the enemy. My whole stay in that jungle makes me stronger, braver, more sensitive. My heart gets tired, I admit. But it becomes more and more passionate, more alive. And as such transition happens, I don't know myself anymore. It's as if another person takes over and controls my thoughts. Then, I get drunk by my own ideas.

For most people, the hardest part in writing is how they are going to begin it. For me, it is how I'm going to end it. Every period urges me to start another sentence. It's like addiction. One or two tastes are not enough. I crave for more.

Now, I have to reveal one more thing... I'm lost again. Should I continue? Or should I end it here?

Let me think...