Playing with Solitude

One Sunday.
Road is clear.
Clouds are heavy.
Rain is slowly falling.

Once again, she hides herself.
She cuddles herself like a child missing her father's embrace.
Her eyes are sullen.
Her heart, melting as it beats.

One cold Sunday, she wakes up.
The road is clear, she imagines.
The clouds are heavy, she feels.
And the rain--- falling, as she holds them.

Once again, she tries to walk away.
Her heart does the crying not her eyes.
She screams in her whisper.
Then, a deafening silence follows.

One Sunday.

Goodnight

Last night, I had a dream. I wasn't familiar with the place. All I can remember is that you and I were sitting next to each other and in deep conversation. Our hands were clasped. You were looking at me as I talked. Then, you leaned your face towards mine and whispered: "Why are you giving us up?" You didn't wait for my reply. You simply held my hand and bowed your head.

I knew you were crying but you were just trying to hide it away from me. I gently pulled my hands away from your grasp. Your sobbing was contagious. I was about to cry. But then, I heard myself saying: "This isn't us anymore." After a few seconds of silence, you looked at me, held my hand and gently kissed me--- for the last time. Then, you stood up and walked away.

When you left, I felt numb...empty. I got confused. Would I cry? Should I stop you? Is it over? Are we really over? Last night, I had a dream. But when I woke up this morning, I realized that it wasn't a dream after all.*

****
Written sometime in January 2001.

Wake-up Call

Nakakatawa. Ba't hanggang tingin ka lang? Andami-dami mong sinasabi pag wala ako.Ang sarap ngang pakinggan eh.Sabi nga nila: "you always try to find the right words to say". Ngiti lang ang naibabalik ko sa kanila. Eh pano, di ko alam kung maniniwala ako o hindi. Ang hirap mo kasing i-spell-ingin. Hindi ka transparent, di gaya ko. Pag magkausap tayo, siya yung pinag-uusapan natin. Kung pano nya napapaikot ang mundo mo.

Tapos ako naman, todo suporta sa'yo. "Eh ba't kasi di ka na umamin sa kanya". Lagi kong kantiyaw sa'yo. "Di pa ko kasi ako ganun katanga". Depensa mo lagi sa 'kin. Teka, define tanga muna. Anong konteksto ba yung sinasabi mo?Ewan ko lang ha? Pero sa lagay na yan, talo ka. Kahit san mo daanin, talo ka talaga. Men---ilang beses ko na bang sinabi s'yo na "if you really want something, you don't just stand there and stare and wish for a star to fall and give you some f***ing miracle!" It's all about choice. And that choice always involve actions. Kelan ka gagalaw? Pag wala na yung hinihintay mo? Pag di na pwede yung gusto mo? Sinong tanga ngayon?! Ang hirap s'yo ayaw mong masaktan. Kung tutuusin mas masasaktan ka sa ginagawa mo. Dude, you have to do something. If I only had a remote control, I would've pressed the "fastforward" button. Kaso, isa lang akong hamak na mag-aaral ng UP na walang ibang magawa kundi damayan ang isang kaibigan sa kanyang katangahan. Ano? Masakit na ba? Nasasaktan na ba kita? Pasensya ka na ha? Gusto ko lang naman kasing sumaya ang mundo. Pero pano 'to sasaya kung may mga taong kagaya mo? Hay...sana mamaya mauntog ka...magising... magpanic...at ma-realize mo na...sige wag na nga lang.

So, ano? Hanggang tingin ka na lang talaga? Huwag naman sana.

Return to You

 I want to compose a good love letter and dedicate it to you. I want to entice you with the words that I’m going to put there. I want them to touch and melt your heart. I want to win your trust again. I want you to fall for me once more.

            Thoughts are pouring down on me. And they are so wise---they come in battalions and at erratic haste. I couldn’t catch them. I do not know what to grab first. Should I MISS YOU be a striking opener? Or should I begin it with CAN YOU FORGIVE ME? Or maybe, I should simply say I LOVE YOU?

           My intent here is not to stir you but to make you understand that I’m consciously trying to change. I did foolish things back then. I let my immature side controlled me and gradually spoiled our relationship. I underestimated the effects of proximity and few conversations. I often took you for granted whenever I’m with my friends and other people. I relied too much on my belief that we are going to spend the rest of our lives together anyway-- so let’s just spend it to other things. I made you cry. I made you feel vulnerable. I hurt you so bad. And I let you feel it until the day you gave up.

            I am so sorry. I knew that you allowed your world to revolve around me. In the long run, I became your world. And I was not able to reciprocate even half of your effort. I became so selfish. I knew how much it meant to you just to hear me say HOW’S YOUR DAY? But even that, I eventually took away from you.

             Would it be possible for you to forgive me? I would understand if you are still mad. And devastated. And bitter. But I do hope that the old you are still there. I really want to return to the safest place I know-- right beside you. Can I go back now? Will you let me in again? I know, you have been guarding your heart since then. Perhaps, you already caged the little sweet thing so nothing could crush it the way I did. But as time heals the wounds, some people who caused those wounds change. You know why? Because they realized how much they had lost. And if they continue being the losers that they have been, they would end up wasting the rest of their lives…maybe with the wrong person…or maybe with no one. Lucky me, I have been one of those persons who learned their lessons well.

            I would not promise things for now. All I’m begging is another chance. It does not matter if I am not your whole world anymore. Just a chance to be part of it once again will be enough. I am coming back. This time, I am so willing to do it for good. 

            Will you love me again? Can you love me again?

 

 

Prologue

If I stop seeing you, would you look for me?
If I don't talk to you anymore, would you miss me?
If I walk away, would you run after me?
If I say goodbye, would you beg me to stay?
If you were me, would you do the same?

If I were you, would I care?

How do you live a life?

Someone asked me: "How do you live a life?"

I try to taste everything.

Sometimes, when things become monotonous, I break the routine. Instead of listening to my favorite MP3, I choose something else at random. Instead of using the usual black-inked pen, I use silver or lavander or neon yellow, or sometimes a pencil. Though, I'm not really a smoker, I buy a pack, keep it and puff once in a while. I sometimes choose the longer route from CMC to SC (riding an Ikot jeep instead of Katipunan or Toki). I prefer Burger King or Starbucks in Katipunan as a study area instead of a library. When my thesis adviser tells me to do this, I do the exact opposite. I love blue, but I choose yellow. When I have to say NO, I still say YES and give it a shot. And when I fall in love, there's no such thing as "monotonous" or "the usual"... it's always "come what may."=)



****
Sometime in February 2003

Looking for the Missing Piece

I've been counting days. It wasn't a choice, though. It just happened one day and I don't even remember when it has started.

Have you ever been there? Have you ever feel incomplete? Oh no-- don't get me wrong. I'm not talking about having a special someone here. I'm talking about the "I" in you. Have you ever feel like an empty drum? You know, like there's a big part of you to be filled up but you have no idea what it is and how to do it.

I started looking for an outlet. I began experimenting for some kind of emotional release. I tried to set aside my inhibitions. I tried to be vocal and loud and honest. There was even a point when I nearly disclosed myself completely. The efforts helped somehow. But after some time, the empty-drum-thing feeling started to swallow me whole again. And I hate it. It has controlled my moods and motivation. It has made me feel more lost and jaded. "The hell with me?!" I often tell myself. But hey, what can I do? The more I try to find that missing piece, the bigger the whole inside myself has become. Did it ever happen to you? Have you ever been there?


****
Dec.14.02

Rants 1230

I guess it happens to every one... There are times when I feel that I'm in a total control of my life. Like a drag racer, I just keep on driving my own car at full speed, not minding which road I am going to take next. All I need is to get THERE, and that's it. There are also times when I feel that I'm losing everything. Things get blurry. Questions arise. Doubts intimidate me. And all I do is to wait until it's over. Amidst all these uncertainties and surprises, I still end up believing that life is made up of pure choices. Somehow, sticking to this belief gives me the guts that I exactly need.

*****
Dec.30.02

Falling Star

Love doesn't just make the world go round. It also gives the world different shapes, and allows each shape to move at different phase and time. When the world evolves, so are the people in it. The following events are inspired by the story of my two orgmates, and this is his point of view.

===

Part I

I'm falling. Hate to admit it but it's goddamn true. Bad trip nga eh--- dun pa sa taong di naman talaga pwede. In my dreams, man, in my dreams. Ngumiti ka lang naman eh. Tapos ayun, pinaikot mo na mundo ko. Syet, baduy! Eh sa totoo naman...me magagawa pa ba ko? Ewan ko sa'yo. Kung kelan okay na ulit defenses ko tska ka naman mag-i-exist. Tagal na nga akong di nagpapakita sa'yo, hoping that one of these f***k**g days, I'll get over you. Pero hindi eh. Baligtad yung effect sa 'kin. Ano bang meron ka?! You're not the most wonderful person i've met. Neither you're the nicest, most caring, most sensitive friend I've had. Pero ba't nga ganon?! Napapa-fall mo ko ng ganito. Paprangkahin na kita---hirap na hirap na ko sa'yo. Sobrang suppression na ginagawa ko. Haven't seen you for almost 1 or 2 months, i guess. And i chose to do that. How much more when i see you again this sembreak?! Dagdag hirap na naman? Lam mo unfair ka na. I'm wounded as hell. And all I wanted right now to get over you as soon as possible. Kasi kelangan. After all, one of us will leave soon...

Part II

I miss you so much. The hell with me. Why am I wasting my time missing someone who misses somebody else? As time passes by, I've become this pathetic loser...trying to disillusion myself about this f***ing love thing. A friend once told me: "Para kang tanga?! Reklamo ka nangg reklamo pero wala namang effort sa part mo na kalimutan sya." See? Even other people have started to notice the changes in me. Asan ka na kaya ngayon? Last night, I really wanted to call you. I was about to dial your number. But then, I changed my mind. Text na lang kaya kita? I don't know why all of a sudden I got this guts to bombard you with the messages I've long kept in my outbox. As i punched the "send" button, the phone turned off. LOW BAT. I guess, it was a sign...

Part III

I saw you last night. You wouldn't imagine how you made me happy...even overwhelmed. You never changed. Still the same person that I admired and longed to talk to two months ago. I was evenmore surprised when I had this urge of talking to you. I walked toward you. You were looking at me, smiling. I hate that look and I hate that smile. They started everything. But as I was about to smile back and begin my long-time memorized lines (sincere lines, for that matter), somebody held your hand and kissed you. Then suddenly, the happiest day of my life had become the saddest...I was crushed. Dead hurt. But I simply walked away. This morning, as I woke up...I remembered what happened there last night. In full details. good to know it was just a dream.

Part IV

Di ba sabi ko ayoko na? Nabasa mo ba? Kung di, siguro naman may ilang tao nang nakabasa nun. Okay lang. Sabi nga, at least my words didn't fall on deaf ears. Yun na nga---sabi ko, ayoko na. Ang hirap mo pa lang mahalin. Para akong nakakahon. Parang kinakahon. Lam mo ba yung feeling na yon? Ah siguro hindi. Kasi pag nagmamahal ka, may nagri-reciprocate nung pagmamahal mo. Buti ka pa. Buti pa sila. Buti pa "siya". Lam mo, ito na yata yung pinakamahabang sembreak ko. Ewan. Kung kelan ko kinukumbinsi yung sarili ko na tama na 'tong katangahang 'to, lalo namang lumalala. Kagaya ngayon---eto na naman ako...trying to find and mix words just to indulge myself in the thought of being madly inlove with you. Pero lam mo, may good thing rin namang nangyari sa 'kin. Kahit na napraning ako nitong sembreak, masaya pa rin ako. Totoo pala yon. Yung you can't define precisely what and how to really fall in love unless you're into it. Now I understand why couples become so mushy, and so childish, and so vulnerable. How I wish all people could experience the way I'm feeling right now...hurting yet enjoying. I'm too grateful to be human.

Code Error

i used to love writing.

i started my "dear diary" moments way back in high school. but even then, i already used technology as a means of transcribing my thoughts. my pc, which my father had bought, served as an instant emotional absorber. having it was an easy-way of letting go of all the rantings, tantrums, and other immaturities that i had. besides, unlike humans who have been genetically programmed to ask you too many questions, it simply listens to my stories and locked all my secrets. thus, i fell in love with it more.

like any other "love stories", my relationship with it had its own good and bad moments. but it never failed to make the bad days looked a little better. or so i thought.

one day, i was excited to get home and face it again. i had so many things to share that day. as i reached home, my father told me that he had brought the "machine" to a computer shop. damn! why?!? but of course, i didn't react infront of him as if my whole world was coming to an end. i was just wondering what's the sudden need to bring it to some shop. he probably read my mind; he told me that it needed an upgrading process. i calmed down. i asked him if i could retrieve all the info. he nodded. oh, in that case, there's no problem at all. or so i thought again.

my pc came home. it had a brand new monitor which looked like an imac. its cpu looked taller than its "outdated" version. oh, wait...taller? meaning it's a new one, right? but i decided not to entertain any thoughts. i turned it on, and pointed the mouse to the folder where i had stored "my life". clicked. and voila! there was NOTHING. shit. but i didn't give up. i went to the search, typed any entries that i remembered. and voila again! there was NOTHING. what did i do? NOTHING. as if i had any other choice. they told me later on that they had formatted the whole thing and the old ones (especially those with unusual file names) were deleted. i smiled. what was i thinking? what did i created "unusual" file names? am i trying hard to be a poet or something? i kept on smiling, but inside i really wanted to scream.

so i stopped writing.

after a year, the urge to write came back. my bestfriend walked out on me. the person i liked had been noticing me lately. some friends and i lied to our parents and had our journey somewhere down south. there had been many betraying and crying times. my life had been at its best and its worst. so, i was tempted to write again.

i refreshed my relationship with my pc. i told it stories, lots of stories that i had never told anyone before. it was like the old times. eventually, i became comfortable and safe again. after hundreds of entries and staring-blanky-at-the-monitor days, my brand-new slash high-memory slash imac-look-alike pc shut down. i mean, it really shut down. i tried to re-boot it, but it didn't respond positively. i was so fucked up. again, i never thought of creating a back-up. i never seemed to learn.

from that day, i cursed it. it was so unfair, and cruel. so, i distant myself from it. even from writing.

when i heard about this blog thing, i have started to feel the same urge that i felt two or three years ago. i am not still sure on how to respond to its invitation. let's see.

Counting Days

January 2.
I'M TIRED.
January 3.
You're tired? Why? What do you mean? Hope we could talk things over...
SURE. LET'S TALK.
January 8.
Where are you?
SCHOOL.
Hope we could talk one of these days.
OK. JUST TELL ME WHEN & WHERE.
January 13.
Did you call me up? Are you free this friday? Let's meet, if it's ok with you.
We really need to talk.
SURE. THIS FRIDAY. JUST TEXT ME.
January 18. Friday.
January 19.
January 20.
January 21.
January 22.
January 23.
January 24.
January 25. Happy 14th monthsary. WE'RE OVER.

****
Written sometime in January 2001

Letter to the Unknown

Nobody here knows that I am not feeling well. I mean, emotionally well. I have never been this insecure and depressed. The past few weeks have been giving me so much troubles in thinking what really lays ahead of me. I am worried and lost right now. I even detached myself from almost everybody. I think, in this way, I could find myself. Perhaps, it would be easy for me to know what I really want if I temporarily shut my door to everyone. It hurts me every time they ask how I am doing. My pride could not accept that I am still bumming around. I could not accept the truth that, like other people, I am in the middle of confusions. And that I am really bothered. Look, I am already 23 yet my life revolves around the same things: writing my stuff; spending the day in front of the tube; Internet; reading books; and daydreaming. Nothing significant.

I am tired of all these shit. I am getting sick of familiarity. I want some changes. I want more responsibilities. I want to get out; to experiment other things beyond the usual. But how would I do that? Where the hell would I start?

Could you help me find my way there? Could you, at least, teach me the right way to start? You know, I am willing to take any chances. But at this moment, I am clueless of everything around me. One wrong move will result to another fall for me. And I do not want to see it happen. I have been into so many plunges already. I could not afford to have another one. Please be considerate to me this time. Just lead me to the right way; and I will start from there, on my own.

Whoever and wherever you are, I am willing to follow you. My mind is already exhausted of worrying. My heart is gradually dying each day. My soul is slowly being emptied. You see, I cannot afford to lose anymore because there is nothing to lose in the first place. This is going to be a huge favor, and you are all I have right now.