******
senti mode. wala lang. ;-)
follow-up lang 'to.
ang gulo ng december 25 ko. buti na lang na-agapan. kung hindi--- kill! ewan ko ba, pag dating talaga siguro sa lovelife na yan...malas ako. fault ko rin naman eh. simpleng reply lang di ko pa ginawa. ano ba naman yung "hi" di ba? ewan, inabot na naman yung pride ko. nagmagaling. tuloy, naging madrama yung simula ng pasko ko. subtle lang nung una. masama raw ang loob nya. kesyo di na raw ako nagpaparamdam. ang lungkot-lungkot na raw doon, tapos ni wala man lang balita galing sa kin. shit. syempre medyo na-guilty ako. sabay sorry.
maya-maya, nag-iba na yung mood. eh medyo inspired yung guts ko nun ni don cuervo. ilang shots din yon. kaya isang tanong nya, isang sagot naman ako. honesty pala ha. eh di naging honest ako.
ano ba ang gusto nyang malaman? ano ba ang dapat nyang malaman? dami nang nagbago. hirap na hirap na ko. sanay na ko na wala ka. di na kita nami-miss. ang labo na nung sa tin. 2 years? wow, parang ang dali-daling maghintay. pagbalik mo ba, di ka na ulit aalis?
ano pa ba ang gusto nyang malaman? ano pa ba yung dapat nyang malaman? di na ko sure sa nararamdaman ko sa'yo. ang dami na nating napalampas at pinapalampas na mga bagay. ang hirap nang sabayan. nakakapagod nang maghabol. umiyak sya. iniyakan na naman ako. pinaiyak ko na naman sya. may napaiyak na naman ako.
shit talaga. remember the book? yung binigay ko sa kanya last month. GUESS HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU? oo nga naman. ano yon? lokohan? sandali, umiiyak na rin pala ako. sorry, minsan ang selfish ko talaga.
uuwi sya para lang may mapatunayan. parang pwede? sabihin na nating pwede, kung gugustuhin. pero ayoko. ano na lang sasabihin ng parents nya? sinisira ko future nya? pero di ba sabi nya part ako ng future na yon? na ako nga ata yung future na yon?
wag na lang. tapusin mo na. maghihintay na lang ako. just promise me that when you come back, you're going to stay with me for good. ang bigat nung pinakawalan ko sa kanyang salita. ang bigat din nung pinangako nya. "baby, dalawang pasko na lang."
*sigh*
******
12/25/2003. 37th month. 2:00 to 9:00 AM, all cards have been laid down. hoping.
I heard tears falling.
I feel pain in your voice.
I saw heartbeats weakening.
I wanted to stop them.
I was dying to stop them.
But when I tried,
I heard my own tears.
I feel my voice causing the same pain.
I saw my heartbeats tracing yours, fragmented and silenced.
The struggle was wounding.
I couldn't even stop mine.
Now, how could I stop yours?
*****
for making you feel the way you're not supposed to,
i'm sorry.
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 License.
he has plans for her, just like you.
and he's here, you're not.
******
he invited her to go somewhere this holiday.
but for some reason, she just couldn't.
lucky you...
you order a cup
"iced cold," you say,
"with whipped cream"
they hand it to you
making sure that all
your requests are done
you smell its taste
you taste its smell
it's your solemn ritual
it moistens your hand
until your mind freezes
and the world stops
"it's safe again," you say
this is your private moment
as you sip, as you breathe.
*****
i tried another flavor last night.
they called it mocha fredoccinno.
Hold me, please?
Hold me until I fall asleep.
It was a heavy day.
Let me rest.
******
So much emotional drama today.
Sing me a song.
Lull me to sleep.
Hold my hand.
Help me breathe.
Stay with me.
Hug me tight.
Smile for me.
Save me tonight.
Every word can be explained by numbers. Every story can be summarized by counting. Ten years ago, two people learned that they both exist. But it didn't matter. A year after, they learned to recognize each other's faces. Still, nothing mattered.
Two years after their first meeting, other people noticed them and they also began to notice the other. One year later, they established friendship; though, it could have been more than that. He gave her a poem, sang Why can't it be? for her, and teased her that someday he's gonna marry her. All she replied was a smile. But behind those lips was a dying wish to tell him that the poem is quite mushy, but melted her heart; that it can be; and that she dreams for that someday to come.
Sadly, the stars didn't conspire to meet their wishes. Instead, these heavenly bodies guided the two of them to meet other people. Thus, the next two years was a break. The only consolation for that was the fact that they didn't miss each other. Perhaps, they both understood that they couldn't be. Suddenly, the world decided to make some adjustments and agreed for some compromises. It allowed the two people who met two years ago experience heartaches and meet again.
On the twenty fifth of this month that year, they found the chance to cross the line. And it was amazing. There were bad days, of course. But the whole thing was amazing, nonetheless. Theirs didn't follow a 10-commandent, you-shouldn't-do-this-or-that list. They were the same two people who had chosen to be just friends a few years back. They simply added some prefixes to the word "friend" for the sake of labels. But after a year, the prefixes slowly detached themselves from the rootword. And so were the feelings. And so were the presence. So, by the start of the eight year after their first meeting, they drifted apart. She didn't feel bitter about it. But she was hurt. He didn't feel bitter about it. But he ached. She thought that she was thankful that they are over. He thought that he was thankful that they are not yet over.
The next year was another break. They remained friends. It was an agreement right from the start. He knew how she had been doing. She knew how he had been feeling. It was a fair play. He liked another girl but regreted losing her. She liked another guy but still thought of him. On the twenty fifth of the eleventh month of that year, they greeted each other with the same greetings that they had said the past year. They kept it that way. Talking as if everything was fine. Thinking about the future as if it was clear. Seeing the other as if the other was there. Everything was subtle, unspoken, and plain.
After a year, things seemed to be better than what they were the last year. He came back to that line, waiting for and expecting her to do the same. She said no, afraid that everything appears only good at the start. He insisted. Still, she said no. But it didn't matter. It didn't affect the way how things have become. It has rather made things better. It has opened possibilities. It has helped them see through things. They have become transparent to one another.
One day, he said the words that she has learned to avoid. She deliberately ignored the supposed form of acknowledgment. He understood, but that didn't stop him from saying them. Every conversation has ended with them. Saying them has become his habit. Hearing them has become hers. On the twenty fifth of this month this year, she has given him a book that carries all the answers to his doubts. The twenty fifth of this month this year has been similar to the twenty fifth of this month two years ago.
Amazing.
*****
It is a children's book called GUESS HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU. She saw it almost two years ago. And since then, she has promised that one day she's gonna buy and give it to someone (of course, not expecting that it would be him).
She shields a lot of secrets
And those are not even hers
Each of them is left by someone
Who sees her as a secret's heir
She bequeaths each secret a name
And carefully puts it in a memory box
So when its owner comes again
She can return it, still locked.
Every secret represents
A person’s life with a twist
That is why she does not mind
Collecting secrets with such zest.
Some people often wonder
If she gets tired of listening
She just smiles and reasons out that
It instead leaves her anticipating.
The secrets, by the way,
Stretch from both extreme ends
It may be what lie they say
Or who are sleeping with whose beds.
Some secrets almost kill her
With a really good laugh
While others heedlessly remind her
Of her stinging, bad luck.
But, you know, there is a problem
Since secret-keeping becomes a habit
She often assume some secrets
As if they were really hers.
So, on the day a friend approaches
And asks for the saved pieces She discreetly opens the memory box
Only to doubt which are his?
She then resolves to stop pretending
That everything is still fine
And she compels herself to tell him:
"Next time, every secret will be mine."
It all started with a simple question
That should have ended up with one reply
But when someone sensed her trepidation
She masked her answer with a lie.
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 License.
I wish I could write better
To think of perfect words
To comfort a musing soul
To give each sleep a dream
To put a smile on another daybreak
To live.
Have you watched American Beauty?
Have you noticed the plastic bag being swept away by the wind?
Have you felt it move in stillness?
Have you seen it fly and disappear?
I feel like that today.*
Why fall if you know you will fall hard,
And there will be no bouncing back?
Why lose yourself out in the shadows,
If there is no other color but black?
Tell me, why fall?
Why stay outside without a blanket,
If you know the rain is coming and it will be so cold?
Why walk with bare feet,
If you see the glass splinters from a distance?
Now tell me, why fall?
Why trust your heart and let it lead you,
When you know it hates to think?
Why ignore what your mind pleads,
If it can feel better than your heart?
Why still fall?
Why fall if you know how you fall,
And you see falling as dreaming and not wanting to wake up?
Why fall if you know it would be me,
And being me would only mean temporary?
Why fall if you know you have a choice?
So please, don’t fall.
*************
please, wag ka na mag-fall.
One Sunday.
Road is clear.
Clouds are heavy.
Rain is slowly falling.
Once again, she hides herself.
She cuddles herself like a child missing her father's embrace.
Her eyes are sullen.
Her heart, melting as it beats.
One cold Sunday, she wakes up.
The road is clear, she imagines.
The clouds are heavy, she feels.
And the rain--- falling, as she holds them.
Once again, she tries to walk away.
Her heart does the crying not her eyes.
She screams in her whisper.
Then, a deafening silence follows.
One Sunday.
Last night, I had a dream. I wasn't familiar with the place. All I can remember is that you and I were sitting next to each other and in deep conversation. Our hands were clasped. You were looking at me as I talked. Then, you leaned your face towards mine and whispered: "Why are you giving us up?" You didn't wait for my reply. You simply held my hand and bowed your head.
I knew you were crying but you were just trying to hide it away from me. I gently pulled my hands away from your grasp. Your sobbing was contagious. I was about to cry. But then, I heard myself saying: "This isn't us anymore." After a few seconds of silence, you looked at me, held my hand and gently kissed me--- for the last time. Then, you stood up and walked away.
When you left, I felt numb...empty. I got confused. Would I cry? Should I stop you? Is it over? Are we really over? Last night, I had a dream. But when I woke up this morning, I realized that it wasn't a dream after all.*
****
Written sometime in January 2001.
Nakakatawa. Ba't hanggang tingin ka lang? Andami-dami mong sinasabi pag wala ako.Ang sarap ngang pakinggan eh.Sabi nga nila: "you always try to find the right words to say". Ngiti lang ang naibabalik ko sa kanila. Eh pano, di ko alam kung maniniwala ako o hindi. Ang hirap mo kasing i-spell-ingin. Hindi ka transparent, di
Tapos ako naman, todo suporta sa'yo. "Eh ba't kasi di ka na umamin sa kanya". Lagi kong kantiyaw sa'yo. "Di pa ko kasi ako ganun
So, ano? Hanggang tingin ka na lang talaga? Huwag naman
I want to compose a good love letter and dedicate it to you. I want to entice you with the words that I’m going to put there. I want them to touch and melt your heart. I want to win your trust again. I want you to fall for me once more.
Thoughts are pouring down on me. And they are so wise---they come in battalions and at erratic haste. I couldn’t catch them. I do not know what to grab first. Should I MISS YOU be a striking opener? Or should I begin it with CAN YOU FORGIVE ME? Or maybe, I should simply say I LOVE YOU?
My intent here is not to stir you but to make you understand that I’m consciously trying to change. I did foolish things back then. I let my immature side controlled me and gradually spoiled our relationship. I underestimated the effects of proximity and few conversations. I often took you for granted whenever I’m with my friends and other people. I relied too much on my belief that we are going to spend the rest of our lives together anyway-- so let’s just spend it to other things. I made you cry. I made you feel vulnerable. I hurt you so bad. And I let you feel it until the day you gave up.
I am so sorry. I knew that you allowed your world to revolve around me. In the long run, I became your world. And I was not able to reciprocate even half of your effort. I became so selfish. I knew how much it meant to you just to hear me say HOW’S YOUR DAY? But even that, I eventually took away from you.
Would it be possible for you to forgive me? I would understand if you are still mad. And devastated. And bitter. But I do hope that the old you are still there. I really want to return to the safest place I know-- right beside you. Can I go back now? Will you let me in again? I know, you have been guarding your heart since then. Perhaps, you already caged the little sweet thing so nothing could crush it the way I did. But as time heals the wounds, some people who caused those wounds change. You know why? Because they realized how much they had lost. And if they continue being the losers that they have been, they would end up wasting the rest of their lives…maybe with the wrong person…or maybe with no one. Lucky me, I have been one of those persons who learned their lessons well.
I would not promise things for now. All I’m begging is another chance. It does not matter if I am not your whole world anymore. Just a chance to be part of it once again will be enough. I am coming back. This time, I am so willing to do it for good.
Will you love me again? Can you love me again?
I guess it happens to every one... There are times when I feel that I'm in a total control of my life. Like a drag racer, I just keep on driving my own car at full speed, not minding which road I am going to take next. All I need is to get THERE, and that's it. There are also times when I feel that I'm losing everything. Things get blurry. Questions arise. Doubts intimidate me. And all I do is to wait until it's over. Amidst all these uncertainties and surprises, I still end up believing that life is made up of pure choices. Somehow, sticking to this belief gives me the guts that I exactly need.
*****
Dec.30.02
i used to love writing. i started my "dear diary" moments way back in high school. but even then, i already used technology as a means of transcribing my thoughts. my pc, which my father had bought, served as an instant emotional absorber. having it was an easy-way of letting go of all the rantings, tantrums, and other immaturities that i had. besides, unlike humans who have been genetically programmed to ask you too many questions, it simply listens to my stories and locked all my secrets. thus, i fell in love with it more. like any other "love stories", my relationship with it had its own good and bad moments. but it never failed to make the bad days looked a little better. or so i thought. one day, i was excited to get home and face it again. i had so many things to share that day. as i reached home, my father told me that he had brought the "machine" to a computer shop. damn! why?!? but of course, i didn't react infront of him as if my whole world was coming to an end. i was just wondering what's the sudden need to bring it to some shop. he probably read my mind; he told me that it needed an upgrading process. i calmed down. i asked him if i could retrieve all the info. he nodded. oh, in that case, there's no problem at all. or so i thought again. my pc came home. it had a brand new monitor which looked like an imac. its cpu looked taller than its "outdated" version. oh, wait...taller? meaning it's a new one, right? but i decided not to entertain any thoughts. i turned it on, and pointed the mouse to the folder where i had stored "my life". clicked. and voila! there was NOTHING. shit. but i didn't give up. i went to the search, typed any entries that i remembered. and voila again! there was NOTHING. what did i do? NOTHING. as if i had any other choice. they told me later on that they had formatted the whole thing and the old ones (especially those with unusual file names) were deleted. i smiled. what was i thinking? what did i created "unusual" file names? am i trying hard to be a poet or something? i kept on smiling, but inside i really wanted to scream. so i stopped writing. after a year, the urge to write came back. my bestfriend walked out on me. the person i liked had been noticing me lately. some friends and i lied to our parents and had our journey somewhere down south. there had been many betraying and crying times. my life had been at its best and its worst. so, i was tempted to write again. i refreshed my relationship with my pc. i told it stories, lots of stories that i had never told anyone before. it was like the old times. eventually, i became comfortable and safe again. after hundreds of entries and staring-blanky-at-the-monitor days, my brand-new slash high-memory slash imac-look-alike pc shut down. i mean, it really shut down. i tried to re-boot it, but it didn't respond positively. i was so fucked up. again, i never thought of creating a back-up. i never seemed to learn. from that day, i cursed it. it was so unfair, and cruel. so, i distant myself from it. even from writing. when i heard about this blog thing, i have started to feel the same urge that i felt two or three years ago. i am not still sure on how to respond to its invitation. let's see.
Nobody here knows that I am not feeling well. I mean, emotionally well. I have never been this insecure and depressed. The past few weeks have been giving me so much troubles in thinking what really lays ahead of me. I am worried and lost right now. I even detached myself from almost everybody. I think, in this way, I could find myself. Perhaps, it would be easy for me to know what I really want if I temporarily shut my door to everyone. It hurts me every time they ask how I am doing. My pride could not accept that I am still bumming around. I could not accept the truth that, like other people, I am in the middle of confusions. And that I am really bothered. Look, I am already 23 yet my life revolves around the same things: writing my stuff; spending the day in front of the tube; Internet; reading books; and daydreaming. Nothing significant.
I am tired of all these shit. I am getting sick of familiarity. I want some changes. I want more responsibilities. I want to get out; to experiment other things beyond the usual. But how would I do that? Where the hell would I start?
Could you help me find my way there? Could you, at least, teach me the right way to start? You know, I am willing to take any chances. But at this moment, I am clueless of everything around me. One wrong move will result to another fall for me. And I do not want to see it happen. I have been into so many plunges already. I could not afford to have another one. Please be considerate to me this time. Just lead me to the right way; and I will start from there, on my own.
Whoever and wherever you are, I am willing to follow you. My mind is already exhausted of worrying. My heart is gradually dying each day. My soul is slowly being emptied. You see, I cannot afford to lose anymore because there is nothing to lose in the first place. This is going to be a huge favor, and you are all I have right now.
I'm sorry about last night.
"Alam ko mahal mo pa rin ako. Pero unlike before, you always made me feel how special I am to you. Ba't ngayon parang kulang?"
Tinamaan ako sa sinabi mo. I never thought about it. Well, not that much. Siguro nga, kulang. Aware naman ako sa pagiging defensive ko sa'yo. I was hurt before. You hurt me before. Kaya tuloy sobrang bigat at importante na sa kin na sabihin yung gusto mong marinig.
Kelangan ko pa bang sabihin yon? Are my actions not enough?
Happy Birthday,
I am sorry for turning this birthday present into a plea. It is just that you are all I have right now.
It is still cold and wet down here. The clouds decided not to show up for the whole day. The scene matches my solitude.
I was so close. I was almost at the finish line. But as I was about to get through it, I lost track. I lost my focus, and eventually, my motivation.
It's been three days since that incident. Three days--- I've been trying to convince myself that the next thing I must do is to move on. Yet part of me doesn't want to let go. Maybe because it knows that there's still a possibility. Three days, I feel like a shit. Each day was a blow to my self-esteem. I'm getting tired and depressed and disillusioned. I don't know what to do anymore. Sometimes, I feel that I'm opposing my principles...that I'm beginning to eat my words. Sometimes, there's nothing. Sometimes, I just want to black out.
************
yoko nang maging bum...
Nung isang linggo, naisipan ko na mag-apply ng postal I.D. Tutal magagamit ko siya sa maraming transakyon bilang valid I.D. Limang taon ko rin siyang mapapakinabangan. Kaya ayun, kumuha ako.
Okay naman nung una. Kuha daw ako ng barangay clearance, tapos magdala raw ako ng 3 passport size I.D. pictures. Pag okay na, magbayad daw ako ng P235 para sa application, notary, documentation at lamination.
Monday, bumalik ako para ipasa yung mga requirements. Sabi ni manong okay na raw. Bumalik na lang daw ako sa Thursday para dun sa I.D. Thursday, bumalik ako. Pina-thumbmark ako nung girl dun. Tapos, nilaminate nya yung I.D. ko. Ha! Sa wakas may valid I.D. na ‘ko. Paglabas ko ng post office napansin ko na may mali place of birth ko. Instead na Norte, Sur yung nakalagay. Bumalik ako. Sinabi ko dun sa girl. Tiningnan nya yung application form ko tapos sabi: “Ay oo nga no…pero okay lang yan. Ang importante tama yung data sa harap.” Medyo na-disappoint ako. Nakahalata ata., sabi: “Di na nila papansinin yan. Minor mistake lang naman yan eh…” Naisip ko, oo nga naman. Umalis na ko. Malayo na ko sa post office nang mapansin ko yung harap ng I.D. Mali yung address ko!? Instead na 332 Bldg. 3, sinulat nila na 33R Bldg. So, bumalik ulit ako. Ganito yung naging eksena:
Ako: “Ma’am, napansin ko po kasi na mali yung address ko.” Medyo nawindang yung girl. Tiningnan yung I.D. Girl: “Wala naman ah. Okay naman yung data.” Pinaliwanag ko. Girl: “Ah…okay lang yan. Akala ko kung ano na. Ang importante tama yung Name at signature mo.”
Ah ganon? Kanina sabi mo ang importante tama yung lahat ng data sa harap. Tapos ngayon, basta yung name at signature lang? Naisip ko lang yon. Smile pa rin ako sa kanya. Ako: “Eh ma’am kaya nga po ako kumuha ng POSTAL I.D. para may basehan sila sa POSTAL ADDRESS ko di ba?” Girl: “Naku, di ka naman siguro nila iku-question dyan. Tsaka pinaiksi na kasi namin yung address mo. Di kasi magkasya sa space.” Wow pare ganda ng rason nya. Pinaiksi? So yung Bldg.3, ginawa nilang Bldg. Wow, galeng. Girl: “Tska buti nga tumama pa yung 33 eh…”
Nakanangpost-office! Tama ba yung narinig ko? So, dapat magpasalamat pa ko kasi tumama yung 33?! Pero sige makakaya pa ‘to sa paliwanagan. Ako: “ Ma’am, wala na po bang ibang paraan para mabago yung entry?” Ngumiti lang sya. Tuloy sa pagmamakinilya. Sabay tingin sa ‘kin. Girl: “Babaguhin natin yung I.D. mo tapos magbabayad ka pa…madodoble lang gastos mo…” Pakingsyet! Ako pa yung magbabayad? Eh di ba kayo yung may mali? Kayo yung nag-type? Ako: “Ma’am, babayaran ko lahat?”
Nakatingin ako sa kanya. Yung tingin na “sigurado- kayo- na- ako- ang- magdurusa- sa- kapalpakan- nyo?” Tumango sya. Men, I’m dead. Paliwanag ulit ako. To make the story short, nagbayad ako ng P150 para sa bagong I.D. Girl: “O sige, hintay ka lang dyan para ma-process ko na I.D. mo”
Ganon? Makukuha ko rin today? Kaya naman pala nang isang araw, pinabalik pa ako. Pero sige, baka naman wala masyadong kumukuha ngayon. Habang naghihintay ako, may dalawang babae na nagpapagawa rin ng I.D. Kabibigay lang nila ng application forms. Di raw sila taga Q.C. Sabi nung guy na taga-Post office na kakilala nung dalawa, okay lang daw. Pag nagtanong yung postmaster, sasabihin na lang nya na ka-barangay nya dati yung dalawa. Nang makuha na nung dalawa yung I.D.’s nila, hinatid sila palabas nung guy. Pagbalik nung guy, sabi niya manlilibre siya ng snack. May nagtanong kung bakit. May sumagot: “kumita yan eh.” Every time na may nagtatanong kung sino ang nagpa-snack, lagi nilang sinasabi na “kinita yan ni ano…” Nice nila no? Ni hindi man lang sila naging discreet sa pinaggagagawa nila. Parang invisible kaming mga nandun.
After 40 minutes, tinawag ako nung girl. Siniguro niya yung address. Nagtanong yung isang girl dun kung bakit inulit yung I.D. ko. Explain naman sya. Sabi ni girl2: “Okay naman ah. Konting pagkakamali lang naman eh…” Isa ka pa eh! Sumisigaw na utak ko. Girl: “2 di ba?” Ako: “ Yes ma’am, 2 po.” Type sya. Pagkatapos… Girl: “Ay 2 di ba? 3 yung na-type ko…”
Calm down, calm down. Gumamit siya ng correction fluid. Type ulit. Pagkatapos, nilaminate na I.D. ko, Tska inabot sa kin. Girl: “Ayan tuloy ampangit na ng I.D. mo.”
****
Kasalanan ko rin naman. Sino bang nagsabi na kumuha ako ng Postal I.D.?
Kelan ka ba ulit dadaan? Naasar ka ba nung huli tayong mag-usap? Ikaw naman kasi---ba't ba napaka-sensitive mo pagdating sa bagay na yon? Kasalanan ko ba na apektado ka pa hanggang ngayon? Eh kasi naman... andali mong mag-fall. Wala kang pinipili. Ini-spoil mo kasi yang nasa dibdib mo. Lahat ng gusto at may gusto pinagbibigyan. Naku, di pwede ang ganyan. Minsan kailangan mong pumreno. Minsan, kailangang dumistansya. Di sa lahat ng pagkakataon naka-green light ka.
Nagulat lang kasi ako. Matagal na yon di ba? Hanggang ngayon ba naman? Bilib nga rin ako sa'yo. Siguro hindi pa talaga ako nagmahal nang ganyan, kaya tuloy puro warning shots ang binabato ko sa'yo. Pero lam mo, parang ayoko. Nakakatakot. Mas gusto ko yung ganito. Yung alam ko kung kelan ako kikilos; kung kelan ko ipaglalaban; at kung kelan ako bibitaw. Syempre, nasasaktan din ako. Pero di tulad mo, alam ko kung san yung weakness ng nananakit sa kin. Kaya sa bandang huli, di ako yung nagmumukhang dehado. Gusto mo swap tayo ng tricks? Ano?
Friend, daan ka naman ulit. Usap tayo. Promise, makikinig na lang ako.
"Nagbibilang ka na naman. Para saan ba yang countdown mo?" Tinanong kita nun pero ngumiti ka lang. Ni wala kang sinabi kahit ano. Pansin ko lang-- para atang lutang ka nitong mga nakaraang araw. Pero yun nga eh, di ka naman nagkukwento. Gustong-gusto kong malaman kung bakit. Pero naaalangan naman akong magtanong. Bakit? Sino ba ko sayo, di ba? Minsan dumating ka na mugto ang mga mata mo. Di ko alam kung ano yung sasabihin ko o may dapat ba akong sabihin. Nasasaktan din ako pag alam ko na nasasaktan ka. O sige, korni na kung korni pero totoo.
Di ka na tulad ng dati. Lam mo yun...yung palabiro. Palatawa. Easy-go-lucky. Optimistic. Secured. Ngayon, parang reserved ka na sa lahat ng bagay. Laging on-guard. Bumalik ka na naman sa yosi. Gusto kitang pigilan, pagbawalan. "Masama yan sa health," minsang muntik ko nang masabi sayo ng pabiro. Pero yun na nga, sino ba naman ako sayo para magbawal.Kaya ayun, napayosi na lang din ako. Dinamayan na lang kita. Eh pano, yun na lang ata yung magagawa ko. Isang sindi mo ng yosi, isang buga ko sa nauna ko pang stick. Di ko gusto yung
lasa, pero sige lang. Para kasing napapakwento ka habang umiiksi yung hawak-hawak mo. Kaya ako naman, hithit-buga na lang.
Anlaki pala ng problema mo. Di ganoon kasimple. Hindi nga nila maiintindihan kung di sila makikiyosi sa'yo. Hindi ko nga alam kung anong sasabihin ko sayo nung magkwento ka. Natakot ako. Baka magkamali ako ng payo. Kaya isa lang yung nasabi ko ---yung pinakatanga at pinakamababaw na atang payong narinig mo--- "Gusto mong bang umiyak? Lika dito..."
So you're leaving? I thought everything that has been happening between us lately was leading us to a certain direction. But when you told me about "it", everything just ended in my mind. I'm sorry. I know you're expecting too much now. I know I said something like "staying". But you never mentioned something like "leaving". I feel stupid. I know you'll come back. But I don't think I can wait AGAIN anymore. That's what I’ve been doing the entire time that we were together. I'm so sorry. I can't promise you what you've wanted me to promise you. Your heart is good, I know. But mine is already tired. The last time you left, it got scars all over it. But it forced to heal itself because of the thought that what had happened was so unintentional. But this time---everything is planned. And the scars are becoming visible again. And they just reminded my heart about the past. That's why my heart decided to hold its peace and back off. I'm sorry---I just couldn't afford to hurt myself more. When you leave, don't say goodbye. Don't ask me again about that promise thing. Better yet, don't see me. I can already picture how everything would happen that day. You will cry. I might cry. But what difference would the tears make? Could they make the scars disappear? Could the tears cut the distance and time that you're going to create? You know the answer. So please, let's stop this mind game. It's already clear: you have to go and I have to stay.
happy valentine's day.
aga ko nagising kanina.
tinext kung sino mati-text.
sabay bati ng happy valentine's day.
pero sa totoo lang di naman ako happy.
wala ring planong magpaka-mushy ngayong araw.
eh di ba nga andami kong iniisip?
kahapon sabi ko takot ako.
tapos sabi ko mawawala rin yon.
yosi lang naman katapat.
ngayon, bumabalik na naman yung pakiramdam na yon.
ba't kaya?
torture na nga yung dating eh.
isang malaking bullshit.
may gusto akong kwentuhan ng sentiments ko.
may gusto akong makasama ngayong araw.
wala lang. yung tipong wala kaming ibang gagawin.
kwentuhan ng kahit ano. kahit saan.
kaya lang, nawawala naman yung taong yon.
ah siguro may iba na syang plano---
sa ibang tao sa araw na 'to.
so, malamang ako lang...na naman.
"Quit na!" Paulit-ulit na isinisigaw sa 'kin. Sabay-sabay. Nakakabingi. Walang magawa ang pagtakip ng dalawang kamay ko sa mga tainga ko.Tangina sila...ba't ako magku-quit?! Para ano? Para mas mapatunayan nila na sila pa rin ang bida?! Fuck them! Fuck them all! Ibahin nila ko sa mga sinubukan at pinasubo nila. Sila lang luluhuran ko? Hell no.
Pero lam nyo minsan parang gusto ko na ring umayaw.Kahit na nagiging masokista na 'ko, ramdam na ramdam ko pa rin yung sakit ng mga sinasabi at pinapagawa nila sa 'kin. Matapang daw ako kaya ganun na lang.Isang sigaw nila, isang dapa ko.
"Ayoko na..." Minsan naririnig ko yung sarili ko na nakikiusap. Pero lam nyo yun---ayaw ko pa ring makinig. Pakiramdam ko nga tumitigas na yung puso ko. Na kahit dun sa malalapit sa kin hindi na nakikinig. Ayaw nang makinig. Ewan ko ba...andami ko kasing gustong patunayan. Mataas yung ambisyon. "Trying hard". Ma-pride. Kaya tuloy eto, walang ibang magawa kundi umamin at tumanggap ng pagkatalo sa isang sulat.
Shit. Shit talaga ako. Ang sarap iuntog ang ulo.
"Bitaw na."
Malapit na.
Oy--asan ka na kaya?
Wala na 'kong balita sa'yo.
Pero mas mabuti na rin yon. Siguro.
Pag ganito kasing mga panahon, di maiwasan yung kahit papano maisip ka.
Shit! What a line! Nagiging baduy na naman ako.
Pero, di nga. Naalala lang kita.
Eh pano ba naman sa'yo ko lang naramdaman yung ganong pakiramdam.
Yun bang nati-take for granted.
Yung dapat nasa tabi kita nung mga panahong yun, pero wala ka naman.
Yung dapat visible ka.
Yung nandyan ka lang.
Ganon ka ba talaga? O sa 'kin lang?
O baka marami ka lang talagang ginagawa.
Eto na naman ako. Nagbubuhos ng sama ng loob.
Pasensya ka na ha?
Dami ko kasing dinadala ngayon. Daming iniisip.
Dapat sana may kasama ko.
Iba rin kasi yung ganon. Yung may nagku-comfort sayo.
Yung kahit di naman talaga ok, sasabihin nya na ok. Tapos parang ok na rin talaga.
Yung kahit na emotionally unstable ka, feeling mo malakas ka pa rin kasi andyan sya.
Yung di maba-bad trip sa'yo pag nagtext ka ng 3am.
Tatawagan ka pa nya nun.
Makikipagkwentuhan hanggang sa ikaw na yun mapagod at antukin.
Di ko sinasabi 'to para bumalik ka ha?
Overrated sentiments lang po ng isang hyped romantic.
Nililinaw lang yung mga gray areas sa dibdib.
Ang bigat-bigat kasi.
Pero may ipapakiusap sana ko sa'yo...kung ok lang?
Sana pag may mahanap kang iba,wag mo nang ulitin yung nangyari sa 'tin…
Since you're already very good in words, deal more with actions.
The best tangible thing na maibibigay mo eh yung presence mo. Physically.
And try not to lose the person anymore.
Sige, ikaw rin.
Sana makarating 'to sa'yo.
Belated happy valentine's day nga pala.
