The Moon and my Pillow

Sing me a song.
Lull me to sleep.
Hold my hand.
Help me breathe.

Stay with me.
Hug me tight.
Smile for me.
Save me tonight.

Third Twenty Fifth

Every word can be explained by numbers. Every story can be summarized by counting. Ten years ago, two people learned that they both exist. But it didn't matter. A year after, they learned to recognize each other's faces. Still, nothing mattered.

Two years after their first meeting, other people noticed them and they also began to notice the other. One year later, they established friendship; though, it could have been more than that. He gave her a poem, sang Why can't it be? for her, and teased her that someday he's gonna marry her. All she replied was a smile. But behind those lips was a dying wish to tell him that the poem is quite mushy, but melted her heart; that it can be; and that she dreams for that someday to come.

Sadly, the stars didn't conspire to meet their wishes. Instead, these heavenly bodies guided the two of them to meet other people. Thus, the next two years was a break. The only consolation for that was the fact that they didn't miss each other. Perhaps, they both understood that they couldn't be. Suddenly, the world decided to make some adjustments and agreed for some compromises. It allowed the two people who met two years ago experience heartaches and meet again.

On the twenty fifth of this month that year, they found the chance to cross the line. And it was amazing. There were bad days, of course. But the whole thing was amazing, nonetheless. Theirs didn't follow a 10-commandent, you-shouldn't-do-this-or-that list. They were the same two people who had chosen to be just friends a few years back. They simply added some prefixes to the word "friend" for the sake of labels. But after a year, the prefixes slowly detached themselves from the rootword. And so were the feelings. And so were the presence. So, by the start of the eight year after their first meeting, they drifted apart. She didn't feel bitter about it. But she was hurt. He didn't feel bitter about it. But he ached. She thought that she was thankful that they are over. He thought that he was thankful that they are not yet over.

The next year was another break. They remained friends. It was an agreement right from the start. He knew how she had been doing. She knew how he had been feeling. It was a fair play. He liked another girl but regreted losing her. She liked another guy but still thought of him. On the twenty fifth of the eleventh month of that year, they greeted each other with the same greetings that they had said the past year. They kept it that way. Talking as if everything was fine. Thinking about the future as if it was clear. Seeing the other as if the other was there. Everything was subtle, unspoken, and plain.

After a year, things seemed to be better than what they were the last year. He came back to that line, waiting for and expecting her to do the same. She said no, afraid that everything appears only good at the start. He insisted. Still, she said no. But it didn't matter. It didn't affect the way how things have become. It has rather made things better. It has opened possibilities. It has helped them see through things. They have become transparent to one another.

One day, he said the words that she has learned to avoid. She deliberately ignored the supposed form of acknowledgment. He understood, but that didn't stop him from saying them. Every conversation has ended with them. Saying them has become his habit. Hearing them has become hers. On the twenty fifth of this month this year, she has given him a book that carries all the answers to his doubts. The twenty fifth of this month this year has been similar to the twenty fifth of this month two years ago.

Amazing.

*****
It is a children's book called GUESS HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU. She saw it almost two years ago. And since then, she has promised that one day she's gonna buy and give it to someone (of course, not expecting that it would be him).

Synonym

Simplicity. Your world revolves around it. You choose to, that is.

You always reason out that it is the simple things that really make men happy. Not really that happy, but more of relaxed. There is no bull in that, you suppose. You know it by heart. You have been dealing with it for, what, five or six years. You already have this mindset that: when something comes, it comes; when something goes away, it goes away. You never entertain but's and it-shouldn't-be's. You never ask why because you do not want any explanation in the first place. To you, too much words complicate matters. And you hate intricacies, you always remind yourself. Things are better when they are simple, when they are undemanding.

Or is it? I mean, true enough? Are things really better when they are simple?

Okay, okay, sometimes you also doubt what your mind has dictated to you. There are many instances when you want to welcome those qualms. At times, you are also tempted to know why. That, once, you nearly complained that a certain thing should not have happened. But too much words, you warn yourself, would just complicate matters. So there you go again--- bury all the hesitations and go on with your simple life. Oh how cliche is that.

Your life now does not simply have a routine. It becomes the routine. When something comes, you let it come. When something goes, you let it go. No asking why. No complaining. No fighting for a cause or whatever you call it. In this way, you presume, nothing could possibly threaten you because your satisfaction does not depend on other things and other people. You do not anticipate. You do not worry about the time because you do not wait. You simply take things as they come.

This is your life as a routine, or your routine as your life. Whatever.

Oh how simple, how bull.

The Secret Keeper

She shields a lot of secrets
And those are not even hers
Each of them is left by someone
Who sees her as a secret's heir

She bequeaths each secret a name
And carefully puts it in a memory box
So when its owner comes again
She can return it, still locked.

Every secret represents
A person’s life with a twist
That is why she does not mind
Collecting secrets with such zest.

Some people often wonder
If she gets tired of listening
She just smiles and reasons out that
It instead leaves her anticipating.

The secrets, by the way,
Stretch from both extreme ends
It may be what lie they say
Or who are sleeping with whose beds.

Some secrets almost kill her
With a really good laugh
While others heedlessly remind her
Of her stinging, bad luck.

But, you know, there is a problem
Since secret-keeping becomes a habit
She often assume some secrets
As if they were really hers.

So, on the day a friend approaches
And asks for the saved pieces She discreetly opens the memory box
Only to doubt which are his?

She then resolves to stop pretending
That everything is still fine
And she compels herself to tell him:
"Next time, every secret will be mine."

Purple Sky

It all started with a simple question
That should have ended up with one reply
But when someone sensed her trepidation
She masked her answer with a lie.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 License.

Chasing Me

I'm using it again.
I'm feeling it right here, at this very moment.
The drive is here, and it's provoking me.
The passion starts to entice me, suffocate me.
And, wait...there's something else.
Oh, the words. Sad words. Bitter words.
Each one of them is beating.
But I couldn't hear any sound.
I should be yelling right now.
The words are throwing sadness and aches.
And they are all rushing toward my direction.
Is this real? Are they all real?
Am i real?

Circles

I want to be happy.
But when I am happy, I cannot write.
But I want to write.
But I can only write if I am not happy.
But I become happy when I do the things I want.
I want to write.
So if I am going to write, I can be happy.
I am going to write.
But I am happy.
But I cannot write if I am happy.
So, should I write or be happy?

Tanong Lang

Nakilala na ba kita?
O naging tayo na ba?
Hinahanap mo rin ba 'ko?
Sana naman--OO.

Padating ka na ba?
Dadating ka pa ba?
Pwede bilisan mo?
Baka kasi--mainip ako.

Kissing the Rain

Kiss the Rain
Billy Myer

Hello
Can you hear me?
Am I getting through to you?
Hello
Is it late there?
Is there laughter on the line?
Are you sure you’re there alone?

’Cause I’m
Trying to explain
Somethin’s wrong
You just don’t sound the same

Why don’t you (2X)
Go outside (2X)

*Kiss the rain
Whenever you need me
Kiss the rain
Whenever I’m gone too long.
If your lips
Feel lonely and thirsty
Kiss the rain
And wait for the dawn.
Keep in mind
We’re under the same sky
And the nights
Are as empty for me as for you
If you feel
You can’t wait till morning
Kiss the rain (3X)

Hello
Do you miss me?
I hear you say you do
But not the way I’m missin’ you
What’s new?
How’s the weather?
Is it stormy where you are?
’Cause I’m so close but it feels like you’re so far

Oh would it mean anything
If you knew
What I’m left imagining
In my mind (2X)
Would you go (2X)
Kiss the rain

And you’d fall over me
Think of me (3X)
Only me

Repeat *

Ooooooooh Kiss the rain (2X)

Hello
Can you hear me? (3X)

***********
I feel mushy today.=)

A Writer's Plea

I wish I could write better

To think of perfect words

To comfort a musing soul

To give each sleep a dream

To put a smile on another daybreak

To live.

From Sophie's World

What if you slept? And what if, in your sleep, you dreamed? And what if, in your dream, you went to Heaven and there plucked a strange and beautiful flower? And what if, when you awake, you had the flower in your hand? Ah, what then?

Like Feather

Have you watched American Beauty?
Have you noticed the plastic bag being swept away by the wind?
Have you felt it move in stillness?
Have you seen it fly and disappear?

I feel like that today.*

Why Fall

Why fall if you know you will fall hard,
And there will be no bouncing back?
Why lose yourself out in the shadows,
If there is no other color but black?

Tell me, why fall?

Why stay outside without a blanket,
If you know the rain is coming and it will be so cold?
Why walk with bare feet,
If you see the glass splinters from a distance?

Now tell me, why fall?

Why trust your heart and let it lead you,
When you know it hates to think?
Why ignore what your mind pleads,
If it can feel better than your heart?

Why still fall?

Why fall if you know how you fall,
And you see falling as dreaming and not wanting to wake up?
Why fall if you know it would be me,
And being me would only mean temporary?

Why fall if you know you have a choice?

So please, don’t fall.


*************
please, wag ka na mag-fall.

Message Sent Series

MESSAGE_SENT I

AKO: "para atang ayoko na."
SIYA:(long pause)"ok."
INISIP KO: "shit! careless thought, careless tongue!"
SANA INISIP NIYA: "shit! no! di pwede..."
AKO ULIT: "so, see you around?"
SIYA ULIT: "no prob."

check operator services.


MESSAGE_SENT II

Sobrang down ako nung araw na yon. Tapos, bigla siyang nag-text.
SIYA: "hi! musta na?"
AKO: (Surprised. nabawasan yung shadows sa moods ko) "hi! galing mong tumayming ah.."
Sorry, ganun talaga ko ever since. I mean what I say and I say what I mean.
SIYA: "y? is der a problem?"
AKO: "no big deal. just having a rough time."
SIYA: "what's going on? what can i do? tell me, punta ko jan anytime."
GUSTO KONG SABIHIN SA KANYA: "ganyan ka naman eh. kelangan ko pang sabihin sa'yo na pumunta ka.
kelangan ko pang sabihin sa'yo kung anong gusto ko. di ba pwedeng punta ka na lang?"

Pero syempre di ko sinabi yon. Ayoko namang ma-offend yung tao.
Tska naisip ko--- for the sake of the past, be nice to him.

Haba na nung text namin tapos bigla nyang sinabi: "Sana bukas tayo na ulit."

Di ako nag-reply. Lam ko na kung san pupunta yung usapan. Ang kulit nya. Persistent na naman.
Flattering kahit papano. Pero pag naaalala ko yung dati, parang ayoko pa...parang ayoko na.

SABI NUNG ISIP KO: "wag kang mag-alala, minahal mo naman sya nun. sobra."

Playing with Solitude

One Sunday.
Road is clear.
Clouds are heavy.
Rain is slowly falling.

Once again, she hides herself.
She cuddles herself like a child missing her father's embrace.
Her eyes are sullen.
Her heart, melting as it beats.

One cold Sunday, she wakes up.
The road is clear, she imagines.
The clouds are heavy, she feels.
And the rain--- falling, as she holds them.

Once again, she tries to walk away.
Her heart does the crying not her eyes.
She screams in her whisper.
Then, a deafening silence follows.

One Sunday.

Goodnight

Last night, I had a dream. I wasn't familiar with the place. All I can remember is that you and I were sitting next to each other and in deep conversation. Our hands were clasped. You were looking at me as I talked. Then, you leaned your face towards mine and whispered: "Why are you giving us up?" You didn't wait for my reply. You simply held my hand and bowed your head.

I knew you were crying but you were just trying to hide it away from me. I gently pulled my hands away from your grasp. Your sobbing was contagious. I was about to cry. But then, I heard myself saying: "This isn't us anymore." After a few seconds of silence, you looked at me, held my hand and gently kissed me--- for the last time. Then, you stood up and walked away.

When you left, I felt numb...empty. I got confused. Would I cry? Should I stop you? Is it over? Are we really over? Last night, I had a dream. But when I woke up this morning, I realized that it wasn't a dream after all.*

****
Written sometime in January 2001.

Wake-up Call

Nakakatawa. Ba't hanggang tingin ka lang? Andami-dami mong sinasabi pag wala ako.Ang sarap ngang pakinggan eh.Sabi nga nila: "you always try to find the right words to say". Ngiti lang ang naibabalik ko sa kanila. Eh pano, di ko alam kung maniniwala ako o hindi. Ang hirap mo kasing i-spell-ingin. Hindi ka transparent, di gaya ko. Pag magkausap tayo, siya yung pinag-uusapan natin. Kung pano nya napapaikot ang mundo mo.

Tapos ako naman, todo suporta sa'yo. "Eh ba't kasi di ka na umamin sa kanya". Lagi kong kantiyaw sa'yo. "Di pa ko kasi ako ganun katanga". Depensa mo lagi sa 'kin. Teka, define tanga muna. Anong konteksto ba yung sinasabi mo?Ewan ko lang ha? Pero sa lagay na yan, talo ka. Kahit san mo daanin, talo ka talaga. Men---ilang beses ko na bang sinabi s'yo na "if you really want something, you don't just stand there and stare and wish for a star to fall and give you some f***ing miracle!" It's all about choice. And that choice always involve actions. Kelan ka gagalaw? Pag wala na yung hinihintay mo? Pag di na pwede yung gusto mo? Sinong tanga ngayon?! Ang hirap s'yo ayaw mong masaktan. Kung tutuusin mas masasaktan ka sa ginagawa mo. Dude, you have to do something. If I only had a remote control, I would've pressed the "fastforward" button. Kaso, isa lang akong hamak na mag-aaral ng UP na walang ibang magawa kundi damayan ang isang kaibigan sa kanyang katangahan. Ano? Masakit na ba? Nasasaktan na ba kita? Pasensya ka na ha? Gusto ko lang naman kasing sumaya ang mundo. Pero pano 'to sasaya kung may mga taong kagaya mo? Hay...sana mamaya mauntog ka...magising... magpanic...at ma-realize mo na...sige wag na nga lang.

So, ano? Hanggang tingin ka na lang talaga? Huwag naman sana.

Return to You

 I want to compose a good love letter and dedicate it to you. I want to entice you with the words that I’m going to put there. I want them to touch and melt your heart. I want to win your trust again. I want you to fall for me once more.

            Thoughts are pouring down on me. And they are so wise---they come in battalions and at erratic haste. I couldn’t catch them. I do not know what to grab first. Should I MISS YOU be a striking opener? Or should I begin it with CAN YOU FORGIVE ME? Or maybe, I should simply say I LOVE YOU?

           My intent here is not to stir you but to make you understand that I’m consciously trying to change. I did foolish things back then. I let my immature side controlled me and gradually spoiled our relationship. I underestimated the effects of proximity and few conversations. I often took you for granted whenever I’m with my friends and other people. I relied too much on my belief that we are going to spend the rest of our lives together anyway-- so let’s just spend it to other things. I made you cry. I made you feel vulnerable. I hurt you so bad. And I let you feel it until the day you gave up.

            I am so sorry. I knew that you allowed your world to revolve around me. In the long run, I became your world. And I was not able to reciprocate even half of your effort. I became so selfish. I knew how much it meant to you just to hear me say HOW’S YOUR DAY? But even that, I eventually took away from you.

             Would it be possible for you to forgive me? I would understand if you are still mad. And devastated. And bitter. But I do hope that the old you are still there. I really want to return to the safest place I know-- right beside you. Can I go back now? Will you let me in again? I know, you have been guarding your heart since then. Perhaps, you already caged the little sweet thing so nothing could crush it the way I did. But as time heals the wounds, some people who caused those wounds change. You know why? Because they realized how much they had lost. And if they continue being the losers that they have been, they would end up wasting the rest of their lives…maybe with the wrong person…or maybe with no one. Lucky me, I have been one of those persons who learned their lessons well.

            I would not promise things for now. All I’m begging is another chance. It does not matter if I am not your whole world anymore. Just a chance to be part of it once again will be enough. I am coming back. This time, I am so willing to do it for good. 

            Will you love me again? Can you love me again?

 

 

Prologue

If I stop seeing you, would you look for me?
If I don't talk to you anymore, would you miss me?
If I walk away, would you run after me?
If I say goodbye, would you beg me to stay?
If you were me, would you do the same?

If I were you, would I care?

How do you live a life?

Someone asked me: "How do you live a life?"

I try to taste everything.

Sometimes, when things become monotonous, I break the routine. Instead of listening to my favorite MP3, I choose something else at random. Instead of using the usual black-inked pen, I use silver or lavander or neon yellow, or sometimes a pencil. Though, I'm not really a smoker, I buy a pack, keep it and puff once in a while. I sometimes choose the longer route from CMC to SC (riding an Ikot jeep instead of Katipunan or Toki). I prefer Burger King or Starbucks in Katipunan as a study area instead of a library. When my thesis adviser tells me to do this, I do the exact opposite. I love blue, but I choose yellow. When I have to say NO, I still say YES and give it a shot. And when I fall in love, there's no such thing as "monotonous" or "the usual"... it's always "come what may."=)



****
Sometime in February 2003