~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As the tip of his pen
finally touches the silver ink
and the paper assents
to listen to his song,
she leaves, still unaware
of the lines that talk only of her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*****
Is she in a hurry? Or, are you just too late?
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 License.
My hand does not seem
to fit with anyone's.
Although, it has tried to find
its perfect match.
Some have soft grip,
causing mine to easily detach.
Others grab too much,
leaving sour mark and scars.
Now I'm wondering---
how would it feel like with yours?
Where will your hold fall?
And until when?
*****
I'm not asking for a perfect hand,
just the right one.
They stand on the line
with drenched clothes and
uncertain plans, waiting
for their dreams to come.
I am in a safe corner,
sitting comfortably in
a cushion seat, watching
them with jealous heart.
*****
how i wish i had their guts...
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 License.
~~~~~~~~~~~
if i close my eyes
and fake my smile,
would the heavens
still see my doubts?
~~~~~~~~~~~
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 License.
The clock's hands meet at 11
As the full moon tries to steal her sleep
And the night awaits recurring dreams
Yet her mind, rapt, somewhere else.
I know a man who had nothing
He was a poor man all his life
He lived in a shack by the roadside
With starving kids and a loving wife
He went to church every Sunday
He prays from morning until night, he said
Good Lord, why have you forsaken me
When everything I did I thought was right
Now my Life is coming to an end
There's only one thing I'm wishing for
All my days I have never sinned
So I hope you wont ignore
What I'm asking for...
* Oh honey when I die
Dress me up in a coat and tie
Give my feet a pair of shoes
That I haven't wore in a long time
** Put me in a golden box
>Not a cross on a pile of rocks
Bury me where the grass is green
And the gates are shining...
*** Oh honey when I die
Give me a bed of roses
Where I could lie
I'm gonna use up all the money that I saved
'Coz I dont wanna lie in a poor man's grave...
I know a man who had nothing
He dreamed of satin sheets all his life
He lived and worked like a dog
Licking every boot he sees just to survive
He comes home drunk every night
Wakes up the kids and talks to his wife, he said
Honey you have been so good to me I only wish we had a better life
And now my life’s coming to an end
There's only one thing I'm wishing for
All my days I have lived in shame
So I hope you wont ignore
Just what I'm asking for...
(repeat *, **, and ***)
*****
He left his wife, two daughters, and a son. He never gave any reason; he simply ended his life using his daughter’s jumping rope, a gift he gave when she was three years old. He was in his early 30's.
For seven years, the longest conversation I had with him was "Happy New Year!" To think, he just lived one door away from us. I saw him got drunk. I heard him yelled at his wife and cursed other people. I watched him threw things away. But I know he was a good man and I'm not saying this because he's dead. I'm saying this because he was there when we badly needed help on simple things. He would fix our broken sink and water pump so that we could go to our appointment on time. He would clean my kuya's car before a big date or something. He would give us a small plate of laing when my aunt teases him that we're sick of meat.
I have been thinking...now I know why the news of his death somehow pierced my heart.
I'm still bothered, though. Of all the possible choices, why would someone choose to end his life? And why in a very slow process? Why the day before his wedding anniversary? Why before his daughters’ birthday? Ganon pa la yon. It's so easy to talk and give remarks about suicide when you don't know personally the person involved. Otherwise, you'll just realize that all you can say is "Why?" And you will keep on saying it until the thought that it's really over has sinked in.
I miss my poetry.
The common sights are mostly composed of blank screen and ink-blotted sheet.
I miss the songs.
The sound becomes less soothing and the beat more dreary.
I miss the butterflies.
The restlessness caused by glances and chance meeting gradually escapes.
I miss the anticipation.
Would the phone ring? Will I be there if it does?
I miss the touch.
A hand enfolding another hand is replaced by mere words, or worse by illusion.
I miss being incomplete.
The curiosity for what’s next? and will there be?
And the faith that only one person can make me feel safe Slowly die out.
I miss having someone who keeps me waiting.
I miss small fights and making-up. I miss falling.
You're missing me? Oh...
"If missing me is hard to do,
You should try missing you."
How about that? Fair enough?
******
senti mode. wala lang. ;-)
follow-up lang 'to.
ang gulo ng december 25 ko. buti na lang na-agapan. kung hindi--- kill! ewan ko ba, pag dating talaga siguro sa lovelife na yan...malas ako. fault ko rin naman eh. simpleng reply lang di ko pa ginawa. ano ba naman yung "hi" di ba? ewan, inabot na naman yung pride ko. nagmagaling. tuloy, naging madrama yung simula ng pasko ko. subtle lang nung una. masama raw ang loob nya. kesyo di na raw ako nagpaparamdam. ang lungkot-lungkot na raw doon, tapos ni wala man lang balita galing sa kin. shit. syempre medyo na-guilty ako. sabay sorry.
maya-maya, nag-iba na yung mood. eh medyo inspired yung guts ko nun ni don cuervo. ilang shots din yon. kaya isang tanong nya, isang sagot naman ako. honesty pala ha. eh di naging honest ako.
ano ba ang gusto nyang malaman? ano ba ang dapat nyang malaman? dami nang nagbago. hirap na hirap na ko. sanay na ko na wala ka. di na kita nami-miss. ang labo na nung sa tin. 2 years? wow, parang ang dali-daling maghintay. pagbalik mo ba, di ka na ulit aalis?
ano pa ba ang gusto nyang malaman? ano pa ba yung dapat nyang malaman? di na ko sure sa nararamdaman ko sa'yo. ang dami na nating napalampas at pinapalampas na mga bagay. ang hirap nang sabayan. nakakapagod nang maghabol. umiyak sya. iniyakan na naman ako. pinaiyak ko na naman sya. may napaiyak na naman ako.
shit talaga. remember the book? yung binigay ko sa kanya last month. GUESS HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU? oo nga naman. ano yon? lokohan? sandali, umiiyak na rin pala ako. sorry, minsan ang selfish ko talaga.
uuwi sya para lang may mapatunayan. parang pwede? sabihin na nating pwede, kung gugustuhin. pero ayoko. ano na lang sasabihin ng parents nya? sinisira ko future nya? pero di ba sabi nya part ako ng future na yon? na ako nga ata yung future na yon?
wag na lang. tapusin mo na. maghihintay na lang ako. just promise me that when you come back, you're going to stay with me for good. ang bigat nung pinakawalan ko sa kanyang salita. ang bigat din nung pinangako nya. "baby, dalawang pasko na lang."
*sigh*
******
12/25/2003. 37th month. 2:00 to 9:00 AM, all cards have been laid down. hoping.
I heard tears falling.
I feel pain in your voice.
I saw heartbeats weakening.
I wanted to stop them.
I was dying to stop them.
But when I tried,
I heard my own tears.
I feel my voice causing the same pain.
I saw my heartbeats tracing yours, fragmented and silenced.
The struggle was wounding.
I couldn't even stop mine.
Now, how could I stop yours?
*****
for making you feel the way you're not supposed to,
i'm sorry.
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 License.
he has plans for her, just like you.
and he's here, you're not.
******
he invited her to go somewhere this holiday.
but for some reason, she just couldn't.
lucky you...
you order a cup
"iced cold," you say,
"with whipped cream"
they hand it to you
making sure that all
your requests are done
you smell its taste
you taste its smell
it's your solemn ritual
it moistens your hand
until your mind freezes
and the world stops
"it's safe again," you say
this is your private moment
as you sip, as you breathe.
*****
i tried another flavor last night.
they called it mocha fredoccinno.
Hold me, please?
Hold me until I fall asleep.
It was a heavy day.
Let me rest.
******
So much emotional drama today.
