This Much

"So ba't swept away?"
"Wala lang..=)"
"Di nga, tips naman jan para magka-idea ako."

[One of those chat conversations I had with a guy friend several months ago, noticing my YM status, which I had actually copied from him.]

==

Walk with her. When you do, she tells you lots of things, plus you see whose known personality is walking what breed of dog. Act like you're both kids. Buy a frisbee or a remote controlled car, and bring it to Sunken Garden for a test drive. Watch Love Me If You Dare or I Laugh You with her. It makes that film or play more absorbing for her. Play some baskets. Try to make not less than 50 points so that you can give her another game for free. And oh-- let her commit personal fouls occasionally. Read some of the books she read and remind her a few lines, which she has obviously forgotten. She might find her memory a little annoying but she always appreciates the effort you give to understand the details. Write her a letter no matter how bad your handwriting is. Confessing there your fears resolves some of her random thoughts. Tell her you love her old perfume. Then, tell her you're starting to love the new scent. Go for a roadtrip. You know she'll go anywhere with you. Tell her where you are. It makes her feel safe. Try a new resto and daringly order an eccentric cuisine. Then, decide whether it deserves a second time. Give her a hand or foot massage once in a while. Tell her she's stubborn when she is. She badly needs you to do that. Fix her a warm lemonade when she has a sore throat so that she stops fooling around with her voice. Learn to like Dashboard Confessionals, know their chords, and play them for her. She doesn't mind if you're in falsetto or you don't get the exact strumming; she enjoys it anyway. Know how to cut, dissolve, feather, and slo-mo, even though you’re using Linux. Be her gaffer in her video coverage. When you're there she doesn't notice the time, and the hassles the production brings. Let her step on your feet, and pretend that you're dancing with her. She used to do that with her Pa. Play pool or basketball with her overly introvert brother. Watching the two of you sharing some fun makes her smile. Surprise her with a pair of rubber shoes that fits her size just so. You know she always pampers her feet. Always bring an extra handkerchief whenever you go out with her, just in case she forgets to bring one--which happens most of the time. Introduce her to your family and make her feel at home. She could be a bit edgy, but she'll get the hang of it. Invite her for lunch and cook her favorite dish when the budget is tight for a date. Spend the whole afternoon or evening with her watching the latest pirated DVDs you've bought-- it is the most convenient time to cuddle. Give her a missed call when you think of her right in the middle of your busy schedule. Allow her to steal kisses from you. It's her childish way of being intimate. Swap stories with her on how your day has been. It lightens the missing part. Let her complain when the line is getting longer or when the computer crashes. Then, tell her you'll come over and pick her up. Let her fall asleep in your arms. You're giving her the most serene time-out. Hold her hand-- she loves it, especially the whole time you're inside the church. Kiss her-- she finds it sincere, especially when the priest says "Peace be with you". Embrace her-- it reassures her of your company, especially as soon as the mass ends. And before the end of the day, tell her you love her. Just because you do.

==

Why swept away? Because she has you.

*****
"A woman's heart should be so close to God's
that a man has to seek Him to find her."

i feel mushy today, hehe. oist, kulet...it's 9 again. thank you so much. *kugos*

Sand Spin

we just had our early summer this week. the timing was perfect.

while most people were heading back to the city (back to the usual boring day jobs, that is), we set off equipped with two backpacks, a 1.5 liter of bottled mineral water, a fully charged video camera, and a few vacation tips we had digged up from google. we cruised south riding blue pelican ferry boat for our next stop: white beach, puerto galera.

off-peak means an almost picture perfect vacation. clear and cool waters. fine sand. less people. way cheaper accommodation. fun snorkling. calming night shoreline stroll and full-body beachside massage. though there were some minor flaws, like the wrong choice of resto for our first lunch, which was relatively expensive for a chicken barbeque (or was it a kebab?) and stuffed squid, the manongs who doggedly invite you for banana boat rides or a snorkling to the nearby and not-so-nearby islands or island-hopping, the masseuses who persistently offer their hard and soft massage services, and losing his pair of sunglasses [that I like, by the way, because those specs looked good on him], we can't still deny that the stay was really one of a kind.

we've learned to love that beach. and the snorkling? that was the best part. too bad, our camera does not have enough technology to conquer the waters. and above all, his company-- nothing beat that. nothing can, really. aynaku...*kugos*

*****
4 out of 5 stars, sabi nya. =)
tips? learn to haggle. go on weekdays. want the sand. swim, no rush.

getting ready for our fifth road trip. anywhere.

Mi Luv Yuh

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride;
I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving

but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.

[excerpt, Neruda's Sonnet XVII. 100 Love Sonnets,1960.]
*****
basta...=)
hmm..coldplay's been eating up my playlist lately.

Playing God

I've just learned that I killed someone last night. I stabbed him several times right through his chest. Then, I grabbed a gun and pointed it at him, aiming at his temple. But I changed my target and pulled the trigger, directing it closely towards his heart. I shot once..twice..thrice..until I lost my count and every bullet was consumed. But I didn't stop there. Using bare hands, I had pulled out his heart, crumpled it with my strongest grip. Then, I pinned it to my soles so that I can step on it when I walk away from him.

The crime I did.

My 4-page confession letter has had that effect on him-- tearing him a part, and leaving an excruciating pain and sympathy not only to him but also to those who had witnessed the way his heart collapsed.

I feel for him-- for making him feel that he has just died. I feel for those around him-- for struggling to help him breathe again. And I feel for me-- for letting my heart think for the past ten months and some months before that.

But my heart has been doing an excellent job. It has proven its worth.

I shouldn't plead guilty.

*****
but somehow i am. i feel you and i'm so sorry.

"And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to

fix you..."

- Coldplay's Fix You.

Track 12

I remember the TV ad you showed me last year. It starts with this little girl excitedly cutting off her hair like a young lady putting on her make up for a prom date. The girl is relentless, going back and forth, and checking her looks on the mirror until she's done and her head’s totally shaved. The door bell rings. Her eyes glow as she hurriedly runs toward the door and opens it. A skinny, bald young boy is in the front door, patiently waiting. It’s her brother accompanied by their parents.

I don't precisely recall how the ad ends. My idea is that she cuts off her hair so that her brother won't feel different and they'll share the experience of being bald. But yours is that she gives every strand of her hair to him unconditionally and with no hesitation probably to make him feel that nothing has changed and everything's alright.

At some point, our versions meant exactly the same thing.

[It is a TV ad for kids with cancer.]

*****
tough times. but you're tougher. you know why? well, i do.

Horse Play

*****
Thanks to Miray for introducing Koine One Acts. Sampung Minuto Bago Makaraos, with all its sarcasm, has made my first toilet visit after the play quite memorable. I Laugh You was so hilarious. Period. And thanks to you-- for trying new things with me (kahit minsan medyo hesitant ka, hehe).

Pun Intended

I knew it was coming. That editing machine finally gave up last week, leaving me with a long overdue project, forcing me to beg for successive and confusing offsets, testing my self-proclaimed passion for editing, and pushing me to whine every so often. And, oh, giving me a put on nerve to commute to and from las piñas to make use of a working pc (thanks to Mai and Paul, and Niknok -- my "young picasso" inaanak who, at two, treats any surface he can reach as his own canvas). These hassles. Darn. My thought-out timetable for January has already been messed up. I planned to loosen up for a while, and focus on reviewing for MCP or finishing the first season of naruto as well as the two paperbacks lying on my bedside table for almost a year now. And yes, the weekends and off-shifts were supposed to be light. But then, came this "crisis". Hmm...ok, that might be an overstatement, but the thing is -- THIS is already hacking me off. [I wasn't even able to update my blog, which I had been planning to do right after we returned from a week vacation in the province.] These hassles. Darn.

*****
Good thing there was Narnia, which, according to you, is 2 out of 5 stars. Then there was Euro Star Carnival, which convinced Lei not to call you freak anymore because the two of you had braved and had fun with that Joker Ride. Most importantly, in between my shift and yours, there were brief hugs and infinite stories. Looking forward to our summer this February...=)

By the way, I happened to watch a guy contestant singing Out of My League in a TV show early last week. The song has an addicting effect on me suprisingly, hehe.

Chapter Five

Cheers to the Guy in Red

Latest fastfood find with Gaby: Pupung and Friends Pinoy fastfood at the Entertainment Building of the Mall of Asia. It has an appetizing, pocket-friendly, lutong-bahay menu. Must-try: pusit, tuna belly kebab, and buttered togue. Guinumis and breaded bangus are so-so, however.
Remember the comics? Hmm..yup, I'm that old. =)
=================

I just LOVE dolphins.
[Apologies to the animal activists. I respect animal rights. But I just couldn't help not to see them.]
=================

Ramen! Ramen! Ramen! A snack size was enough to boost our chakras. [Watching too much Naruto, I guess.]

*****
Happy birthday, buddy ko! *kugos*

Sipty

*****
12.14.2005. jack's loft-gweilos hop.team's year-ender.
super thanks to trigger happy pia for the pics. =)

Crimson

*****
nanay. a great cook, storyteller, seamstress, and teacher.
april 9, 1924 - december 5, 2005

(eric is right. "it's the little things and the joy they bring...")

November

*****
11.181920.05.
next stop...

**

*****
long sunday. sorry...

Firefly

*****
Chapter Three.
(sorry about the starbucks thing. i should've explained a bit more,
and not just assumed that you had already understood.
anlabo ko minsan no? aynaku...)

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 License.

*

Upshot

"The right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing."

I was languidly browsing last Sunday's Philippine Star issue when I stumbled upon this line, which had been borrowed from the book I KISSED DATING GOODBYE.. I almost forgot that I was waiting for my cup of coffee. The thought carried me off a little bit. Soon afterwards, I was recognizing a number of wrong things I bumped into- - including people.

Of course- - timing, it is. But all things considered, some of the wrong timings are blessings in disguise.

*****
it was the wrong thing, broe.
"i don't hate people i understand." there are some instances that you do. wala ka namang choice minsan eh.

Circus

*****
my team. we come in peace. =P

Compromise, Remember?

If you don't want me
to go for something, just tell
me and, most likely,

I won't.

You seem very cautious of
how you're going to
respond especially when

it someway does not
agree with what you feel.

*****
And what you feel counts.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 License.

Draw Lots

until 70?
that would be a bit soon. how about 80?
too old. that would be tough.
still be capable of dribbling a basketball.
relative to the current diet and lifestyle, 80 would be a struggle.
i insist.
70. renewal afterward.
believe me, 80 is a nice number.
...
...
fine. 80 then.

*****
remember the game of chance? all the participants are taken to an expansive forest, blindfolded, and instructed to run as fast and as far as they can. the last man running, wins. that's how we are going to get there. and that's how life is going to get us.

palagay ko, kaya naman. let's just take one lap at a time and strive to keep the trust safely.

Numbered

5 days.
6 projects.
4 mcdo meals and some sandwiches.
3 no-drowse decolgen tablets.
i miss you by incubus. over and over and over again.

*****
long week...=(

Wordplay

We spent it on two Spanish reels--
both have characters professing
"No te quiero mas."

Picking up the phrase saves their lives.
Finishing the sundaes braces ours.

****
Strawberries and chocolates. Chapter Two.

All In

notice the progress we have made. we are good at it, aren't we? no more missed calls and beggings. no more blaming and enmity. no more updates from both sides.

i know i can't speak for you because until now i still don't have any idea of how you have been handling everything. but i hope you have managed.

i had no guts to ask you then. i shoved aside talks about you for the past several months. maybe there was an ounce of guilt. maybe i was embarrassed to stand that it was completely over. maybe i was too cowed to acknowledge that somehow we had failed.

i am so sorry. i already told you this many times.

but six months were enough. things changed, lots of them (though i let them linger for quite sometime). and i have opted to believe that we didn't fail at all. because if we did, it would've taken us a longer time to pull through. because if we did, i wouldn't have trusted someone again the same way i trusted you.

you see, moving on isn't all about letting time sort out everything. it demands individual effort. it is nursing your own wounds, not pampering the pain. it is acceptance. and a choice.

i am fine now. and i hope you are, too.

*****
THANKS,bj.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 License.

Collide

sobrang guts yon ah. i'm impressed.

rewind. three nights ago. that was one of the risky conversations that we had. to top it off, you initiated the whole thing. you said a lot and, at the same time, revealed a lot. i was more of a listener. you were talking about things as if you were only thinking out loud. no holds barred. freeing.

rewind. the night before. may kwento na naman ako. i wasn't sure if the messages were delayed or you found it somehow daunting to react. but the intervals were sufficient for thinking. did i say too much? did i rouse your defenses?

rewind. the past three weeks. more reserved random thoughts. no room for poetry. just exploring.

*****
i am speaking for you speaking of fears.

Chapter One

*****
definitely, worth discovering. and way better than perfect.
balik tayo dun ha buddy? =)

(snapshots of sonya's garden and caleruega church courtesy of community.webshots,
pbase.com/tekgik, caleruega.philippines.com, and viloria.com)

Tried and True

Hand-painted on a navy blue coffee mug is a line by the famed Anonymous:

"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over,
it became a butterfly."

I would love to own one and imagine how my day starts with that mug on my hand--
thinking for more casual whims and tossing them around.

You, conversely, would be wondering the same thing. A little embarrassed,
you would be exposing your intimate convictions, vindicating all possibilities, and
exploring more about yourself.

I would be listening to you absorbedly-- throwing side comments from time to time.

And we would keep this habit for as long as we can, not minding if it would never stop.

*****
later... =)

Shun the Peon

2:38 AM. Waiting for anything. Aircondition sound amplifies the boredom. No reply for my sorry. 2:41 AM. Still a blank notepad. No trace of sane words. 2:43 AM. Just got his goodnight text. Arrgggh! Lag again. Darn the networks. 2:46 AM. Rice toppings in the adjacent cube is tempting-- smells like teriyaki-- well-cooked and served hot. Air from that direction tastes very sweet. Teases my stomach, which by now wants to snub my seafood cup noodles, courtesy of 7/11. 2:53 AM. Finally, a progress is coming into view. A paragraph of several phrases, giving its best shots of nonsense at this hour of the day, is emerging. 3:01 AM. Be dead to the world.

*****
Windows Media Player sets to Repeat. Angels or Devils. I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold. Pause. 5:03 AM. Pachelbel's Canon in D Chord. I miss you. Repeat.

Can't wait to go home...

Blogged It

Nag-iisip. Wala kasing magawa, kaya napapa-iisip. Some men have all the luck. For some reason, yan yung nagpi-play sa utak ko kanina habang nag-aabang ng FX. May nami-miss akong isang tao, sarap i-hug. Pag nagti-text ako, I usually spell out the words unless kulang na sa space. Ayoko kaya nung "me" kapalit nung "ako" or "'ko". Irritating sya, basta . Pero yung taglish, nati-take ko na. Parang ganito. Kelangan ko ng caffeine mamayang gabi-- hot and grande of an unfamiliar blend. I'll steal some sleep tonight (hope eric meister won't mind). Care ko kung may 2 kamera sa paligid, di naman ako makikita dun-- strategic location kaya yung cube ko. Nakita ko kanina yung trailer ng Wicker Park sa Star Movies-- hmmm, ang hot ni Josh Hartnett. Gusto ko tuloy panuorin. I like broad shoulders, I can lean on them, sleep on them. Kelangan ko nang mag-MCP exam. Lagot. I badly need a motivation. Ba't kaya may mga EX pa 'no? Why can't we all have or be a current, and stay that way? But I know why. Makulit ba 'ko? Ha? Ha? Ha? Kung oo, eh ano naman ngayon? =D

Ay ang gulo. Pero ganyan ako minsan mag-isip. Random. Hindi structured. Walang definite direction. In short, may kalabuan. Kaya nga mas gusto ko na sinasabi ko agad kase kung hindi, makakalimutan ko kung ano man yon eventually. Tsaka, ngayon ko lang napansin-- taglish din pala 'ko mag-isip. Cool.

Magsusulat dapat ako ng isang magandang haiku pero nauwi ako sa ganito. And come to think of it--- I have no idea why. Anlakas pa ng ulan sa labas. Bad trip, mababasa na naman yung mga paa ko... =(

Your Venus

Cause I will be your force
And I will be your right

And I will be your sword
And I will be your might

And I will be your days
And I will be your nights

And I will watch over you like a satellite.

*****
fragments of collective soul's satellite

Page 89

they meet halfway and,
from there, begin to write the
story they have been
deeming for quite sometime.

"how should we end it?"
he asks, looking at her a
little hesitant
"should we?" she replies, beaming

at him. "no," he says,
"it's supposed to be ceaseless."
she feels the linen,
"so let this be chapter one."

*****
that's what you call a rhetorical question.
=)

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 License.

August

While waiting for the
last rain to fall, the moon peeks
shyly tonight-- stumped,
marveling, and mesmerized.

***
Swept away...

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 License.

"don't get a grip. slide.." - harinawa

...lakbay tayo kahit san.
=)

*****
sana tayo na. sana lang yun ha? sana...
just stay.

*****
sana, one day..we can go on a trip..
di naman corny yun ah...we'll do that.

*****
kwentuhan ulit tayo bukas... tulungan mo 'ko magkwento buddy ha?
ako rin may kwento. =)

Blow

last shift, broe and i had this nice chat about an issue he's currently in. and no matter how hard we both tried to make the conversation as light as possible, truth still turned up bittersweet.

broe: wala na kasi itong tolerance sa mga sabit sabit sa mga relasyon e. parang gusto na ngang kumawala. ayoko nga! i always say to her na kaya pa yan!

===

me: you only have one shot at destiny *or whatever you call it*
broe: maganda yan!
me: di maganda yun..totoo yun

===

broe: e pano kung barahin nya ko, sabihin nya i blew it?
me: naku..wag mo sabihin yon sa kanya
me: parang you're threatening her
broe: ang sagot ko jan, if u say i blew it, then im succesful. shots are intended to blow something di ba? hahahaha
me: naku...ewan ko lang ha
broe: sige di ko nlng sasabihin

===

broe: alam mo
broe: kung sakaling hindi kami, parang feeling ko ang dali dali ko ng magmahal. ganda ng training ko e!

===

me: and you know what..all love stories are almost the same
me: nasa sayo na kung pano mo gagawan ng "twist"
broe: nako jan ako magaling, sa twist
broe: ay twisted ata sa kin

===

broe: kung effort lang sis, puntos hakot tlaga
broe: kaso rito, isang scratch lang tapos ang laro e
broe: back to zero
me: that's sad..but what makes it worse is that it really happens
me: ganon talaga..
broe: hahaha! true that it happens. not true that it's sad
broe: i find 'ganon tlaga' things funny
me: i mean, yung "isang scratch lang..."
broe: oo yun nga. kakatawa
me: yun yung sad kse may limit na agad
broe: na kahit anong hirap, a miniscule mistake ruins it. do u find dis eksena funny? a deck of cards na ginawang astig na castle tapos biglang bumagsak coz of just a piece? i do. parang ganon
broe: ang consuelo nlng dun e kahit papano it was achived o almost there
me: funny ba yon..
me: di kaya but i like the parallelism
broe: if you look at it outside d box it is. pero kung hindi mo aalisin sarili mo, talo ka
me: and the thing is.. lagi kasama sarili mo
broe: for that part, matter of perspective nlng tlaga magse-save sa sanity mo

*****

broe, sorry naka-broadcast. malaman kse yung mga sinabi mo-- lalo na yung theory mo sa astig na castle. =)

update: one day after the chat, nasira na completely yung astig na castle...=(

The Catcher

I am way stronger than my fear.


*******
My WHAT IF simply tries to answer your HOW.
Nothing to worry about. =)

...

I'm halfway there, no-- almost there.

Chasing Dragonflies

what's your favorite scent?
is it citrus, floral, fruity, or earthy?
i don't know. but i love this one (kisses her left hand that rests on his left shoulder)

*****

what kind of holding hands do you prefer? (tries to demonstrate each hold)
you see, we hold our hands in 3 different ways.
it depends on whose hand i'm going to hold.
mine.
ahh, i love this one (envelopes her left hand with his right hand)
why?
most convenient (slightly lifts up her left hand and rests his right cheek on it)

*****

she loves the way he's being swept away... =)

Moonwalk 2

Her thought of walking around the UP acad oval is all about staring at the sky and observing patterns of leaves or looking at the ground and skipping uneven contours or textures of bricks. The people she meets are merely postscript to the challenge of getting to her supposed destination. Time is always watching. And the weather matters a lot.

But that was before.

****

Lately, the walk is more on appreciating almost every detail in the sky and making an effort to step into each crappy layer of stones and intimidating manhole designed on the road. The presence of people becomes apparent, as if it completes a landscape painting. Time passes by unnoticed. And the weather is consoling, no matter what it is.

****

The unhurried changes are heartening as she notices that her hand perfectly rests on his hand. It looks right, feels right. The clasp is beyond compare-- like sealing a two-piece puzzle. No place is safer than this, she muses. Then he smiles, as if he has been listening to her mind. Or maybe, just maybe, she is holding his heart.

****

Still wondering why the sky is blue?

Strumming the G Chord

"ang himbing mong managinip, ang sarap-sarap mong umidlip."
Paulit-ulit lang yung kanta. Napansin ko, ok na pala tayo.***"Where fools rush in, the two of you are standing back,
watching them and smiling..."
i'm not really into friendster horoscope-- but i let this one pass.

Freefalling

The tempest is gone.
Stay, let's wait for a shooting star.

Moonwalk

"Namatay na pala si Sin..." I was surprised when you said that all of a sudden. "Ngayon mo lang ba nalaman?" I asked, still wondering, as we walked inside the UP chapel. "Matagal na, kaso parang di lang kse natin napag-usapan." Hmmm, good point. We missed out that one. Pano nangyari yun-- we talk about almost everything? I was trying to snatch a valid excuse when the mass started. My thought was just in time: maybe we were too busy talking about something else when it happened. =)

******
thanks sa stress ball. at sa melon-banana smoothies.
at sa sizzling pusit. at sa stay. nga pala, don't worry too much.
sabi ko naman syo, just let things happen.

Translation 101

COWARDICE (kower-dis) n. - (1) The fear of hurting and making someone hate you for telling the truth. (2) The fear of starting all over again. (3) Deciding to stay only because you think you're safe with what you've already had. (4) Opposite of guts.

*****
I watched CLOSER. Reality pierced. OUCH.

Kwentuhan Na

blessing in disguise yon, buddy. para kasing nakisama lahat.
wala sya sa plano, but the timing was perfect.
peak hours na yon, but that crowded place still had vacant seats.
kahit nga yung ulan pinagbigyan tayo.

it was really meant to happen.

*****
thanks for the coffee. the best.

"Why can't you see me like I see you? Can't you feel me like I feel you?"

She borrowed his pen
to put a period on their
last conversation.
The moment he saw it, he
added two more dots---

and said

"THIS is worth a better ending."

*****

thanks to sponge cola
for letting them chase the dragonfly.

Crash Pad

Mid-May.

The late-lazy-afternoon setting was perfect for a stroll or whatever (I imagined Zhang Yimou or Robert Zemeckis grinning for yet another breathtaking film finale).

Two kids playing distracted my already restrained contemplation. One of them was sitting on a wooden swing while the other was pushing it. They went on and on, taking turns in what it seemed like the ride of their lives. Kids.

I was ready to veer my engrossment to another scenery when their game was cut short. It looked like one of them had given the other a harder push. The boy on the swing grappled in reaching for the rope and keeping hold of the wood. The girl, on the other hand, frantically chased the rope, which by then had been swaying away from her as if feeling the sky. Panic reflected on her eyes but, just like before, she managed to give him an assuring look that everything would be fine. At length, everything simmered down. The two continued playing as if nothing had happened.

I caught myself wondering-- no, wanting. Wanting for us to be just like them.

And how I wished I could be like her--
so that I could still push your swing
no matter what
until you touch the stars.

*****
senti mode na naman, hehe. pero seryoso,
when the wall breaks down,
it's hard to find something to hold on to.
yun lang.

Closure

Then, they forgot the small things.

Decaf

The coffee has been unappealing lately.
I'm not so sure whether it's because of less sugar or less talk.

*****
here we go again.

Sand-castle Fate

Their stories begin

To moderate your sadness

As sudden gap in

Bareness takes place and lets you

Sway to the tune and

Momentarily evade.

*****
"My faith is like shifting sand
Changed by every wave..."

Serenade

I’m listening to our song.

But, sadly, with him.

What's my Score?

Hi there, BIG GUY.

It's been more than a year now. I guess, I've lost in touch with you. I'm embarrassed, very embarrassed. Remember the list I wrote? I think, if we're going to rate my performance, I failed without a doubt. And I don't want to go through the details because I know it will only take me so far.

But you know what? Despite the bundle of shortcomings I've done, my heart has still that reserved space for you. I maybe a lousy performer but I've been trying to improve every single day. I guess, the criteria I've set for myself aren't enough. That they need polishing. That I need to demand myself for more.

I'm getting there, don't you worry.

*****************

A faith refresher. Some extra effort.

One Day

You will miss holding my hand,
Wonder where I am,
And feel so sorry that you
Let it all happened.

The Story of a Fish and a Bird

Version 1:

"If a bird loves a fish, where would they live? Who gets the fins and who loses the wings?"

Version 2:

"If a fish falls in love with a bird, could they live together? Could one fly with fins? Could one remove its wings? How pathetic…love can’t change what’s not meant to be."

Version 3:

Let's say a bird and a fish fall for each other. Let's say one learns to fly with fins or the other learns to remove its wings. Then, they live together and, somehow, get use to it. But could they really last? For how long would that be?

What if the bird suddenly misses its wings and craves for the sky? What if the fish realizes that it's losing its breath and the need to dive?

Or what if the weather changes and their adaptive capabilities are not enough?

Could they still turn back? Is it possible for them to meet halfway? Would they give it another try?

*****

Hey, time to think. We're losing too much air.

The Swan Song

"I'm no angel to you
I have broken my wings
Flying for you
And I'm no angel it's true
I'd trade in my halo
Just to save you..."

********
What's next?

His Scion Sleeps

After finally finding his niche, he was supposed to start a new diversion. Watching clouds and studying their shapes on top of every skycraper that he plans to build. But since not all of us are capable of being genuinely good and staying human, his blueprints gradually collapsed right before his eyes. Everybody knows how much he pleaded. Sadly, the effort fell on closed ears and stoned heart.

He's been fighting for a week now. Bravely.

*****

My HS batchmate and a friend was shot last Saturday. I'm not yet sure how many bullets came out. But the only things that has been keeping his heart pumping up to this day are the breathing apparatus and the voices of the people who care for him.

The person who pulled the trigger is still at large. Hope he'll meet his match SOON.

Stained Ink on Linen

She begins to draw the line,
Heedfully, as if carving

A very refined figure,

A few moments right before

He decides to return from

A long walk and when he gets

There, he marvels about it,

Touching every inch of the streak

A force smile marks her face

A begging glance reflects his

Dream is nearing its end.

*****
Countdown sets off.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 License.

It Should Have Been This Way

Seeing more out of less.

Considering despite doubts.

Choosing density over convenience.

Waiting whilst moving on.

Flying as you fall.

*****

But...

Brewed

sya: hi. musta na po?
ako: hey. eto..masaya. =)
sya: that's nice. just visited your friendster...
sya: bat ganon status mo? ano yun?
ako: hehe. la yon.
sya: di nga? napaisip ako dun ah.
ako: la nga yun eh. lam mo naman ako...
sya: my point, exactly...

===
sya: anlamig no?
ako: onga eh.
sya: sarap mag-coffee...
ako: =)
sya: coffee tayo..
ako: haha, ok sa segway ah.

===
ako: ba't laging yan na lang ino-order mo?
sya: uy, naalala mo pa pala. *grinning*
ako: why don't you try other flavors?
sya: yoko. sanay na ko dito eh.
ako: di ka ba nagsasawa?
sya: siguro pag tumanggi ka na sa invites ko...i'd probably try machiatto.

===
sya: kayo ba, nagku-coffee kayo?
ako: never ko pa sya nakasama mag-coffee.
sya: ...
ako: tska di naman nagkakape yun eh.
sya: ahh... i love coffee.

===
sya: pano ka na-addict sa kape?
ako: when i started thinking.
sya: ahh..
ako: kaw ba?
sya: when i noticed you thinking.
ako: ha-ha funny.
sya: *smiling*

===
ako: so kelan mo papakilala sa 'kin yung constant date mo?
sya: yoko muna..di pa ko ready.
ako: para 'tong sira.. sige na, kelan?
sya: wag na..baka magselos ka pa..
sya: hehe, joke lang po.
ako: so kelan nga?
sya: pag ayaw mo na ng coffee.

===
ako: kainis ka..
sya: lagi ka namang naiinis sa kin eh..so, what is it this time?
ako: you're so good at this..
sya: explain...
ako: wala. eh kse lagi na lang nagba-backfire sa kin yung conversation natin.
sya: hmm..is it good or bad? *smiling*
ako: pwede ba tayo magkaroon ng isang normal na usap? yung tipong wala lang.
sya: *giggling* wag..boring yung ganon. tska, this is the reason why we click together.
ako: kala mo lang yun.
sya: the thing is, tama naman akala ko.
ako: yoko na nga, uwi na ko. order ka na ng machiatto mo..
sya: you're so good at this.. (mimicking the way i said it earlier)
ako: explain... (mimicking the way he said it earlier)
sya: saying goodbye without really saying so..

Front Act One

The curtain calls arrive. I hear my audience clap; I see them-- one by one-- abandon the place. The precise signal for me to bow and leave the stage has finally come. My fifteen minutes of fame is over. Now, back to being faceless, hushed, and passive. Back to my swivel chair and tapping of fingers. Back to counting days, back to waiting. Sad to say, such ending is anticipated.

***********************
I gave them the show that they wanted.
They gave me my dream.

Stargazing

It brushes the tip of my fingers,

As if inviting me to hold it

And never let it go.

One small step for me to seize it,

One faint move for me to fall.

*****

Darn.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 License.

Listen-by-Stonefree Syndrome

Close the door
I feel a breeze
Hold me please
I hate to be alone
It's a cold night
Turn off the light
Take my hand and...

CHORUS
Listen to these things I have to say
Please understand
She left me all alone again

Clear the room
Of every memory
I don't want that song back on
It's an endless maze
Take away this haze
Mend my heart and...

[Repeat CHORUS twice]

Turn away
Don't want you to see me cry
I just want things the way they were
It's so hard to say goodbye
Wipe my tears and...

[Repeat CHORUS]

So this I ask of you
Please stay with me
Until she comes back. Listen.

Guilt Trip

It wasn't cheating. The intention was crystal clear: it would merely be a meeting of two old friends to celebrate the birthday of the other and to catch up on everything.

And so they went out, grabbed a cup of coffee, and talked for two hours. There was an exchange of good laughs, something that has probably been missing for the past several weeks. It was as if they had gone back to the old days when things were quite messy and crazier but way simpler. Then, they called it a night and left a casual kiss. And that was it.

*****

THAT WAS REALLY iT. Yet, the guilt is somehow troubling. Why is there such guilt in the first place?

Pillow Talk

She was in the mood of thinking about her future. Maybe because the whole afternoon was dry and quiet. Maybe because she saw how an old couple held hands as they sit and silently waited for the next MRT station. Maybe because of the movie she watched earlier. Maybe because these past few days people were asking her about him and their plans. Maybe for some other reasons.

The phone rang. It was almost midnight. " I bit my tongue this afternoon. Did you miss me?"

*****
ah, that butterlies in your stomach thing-- it still works.

My Divine Comedy

At age 24, how well did you know yourself?

Let me give you a hint.

******

For normal days (that is if I'm on a day shift), I usually sleep around 11 PM to 1 AM, checking first my cellphone for some last-minute text messages or simply texting some persons I remember out of the blue. Between sleep and waking-up, I always dream; but most of the time, I couldn't remember what my dream is all about.

******

My diet is directly proportional to my physique and the latter is inversely proportional to my health. I seldom get sick and I really hate it when it hits me. I loathe medicines and everything that has something to do with them. I don't love rice very much but I eat it nonetheless out of habit. I love dishes with tomato sauce and potatos. I consider coffee as the drink of the gods. And given a hypothetical situation that only one food in the world will remain, I hope it will be chocolates or pizza.

******

My hobbies make up 60% of my life. I take pictures seriously; I have hundreds of them still waiting to get their space in a scrapbook. And when I take my shots, I prefer that my subject is not aware and everything is spontaneous. I love movies and making movies. I am willing to spend big (I mean BIG) bucks just to add another film for my collection. I don't mind not having a good sleep for a production and post-ptoduction. I faithfully attend film festivals. I don't dream of becoming a director but rather a cinematographer and film editor. I have been wishfully thinking to be part of Pixtar or the makers of The Matrix, Lord of the Rings, and the like. I sketch--- my usual subjects are hands and eyes. But up to now, I still haven't finished a perfect pair. I can strum and pluck some chords but I am so lazy going through the details. So, most of the times, I fake the given chords. And oh-- despite my height, I can hustle and make good baskets.

******

I don't believe in love at first sight. Ewww. Nor I believe in destiny. Everything is a matter of choice, either yours or the other persons'. Thus, I'd rather trust a guy who says"You are my choice" than a guy who says "You are my destiny". I'm not comfortable with courtship because it's superficial. And it's a bluff. I see nothing wrong in friendship turning into an intimate relationship. It is more genuine, anyway. I have met four good men and never been with a chauvinist pig, thank God.

******

I can stand people who are ma-angas, they just have to prove themselves that they're for real. I don't care if a person has a very absurd individuality or a different gender preference. And I really DON'T CARE of the person's past. I don't rely on first impressions. I talk and smile to strangers.

******

I am sensitive but not vulnerable. I'm not at ease with swearing but, under certain circumstances, I do. I can lie, I lie-- but I'm a lousy liar (believe me, you will notice if I do). I can be so mushy and so shallow. I STILL have a low level of contentment.

******

I despise politics. PERIOD.

******

I am a passive Catholic but my faith can take me anywhere.

******

I worship Neruda, Wong Kar Wai, Sappho, Mike de Leon, Gaiman, Dali, J.D. Salinger, and Gabriel Garcia Marquez. And yes, his royal buttness, Brad Pitt.

******

I am a bit Obssessive-Compulsive. I am childish. I am impatient; I don't want to wait too long. I am quite reticent. I don't want to argue. So, when someone's mad at me or pissing me off, I disappear for awhile until everything cools down.

******

I can't cook. I can't swim. I can't juggle.

******

At age 24, these and ONLY these are the things that I know about myself. I have yet to figure out the rest.

*************

Pasintabi kay Dante.

Verse 29

---

I have used to love Neruda's
Tonight I Can Write the Saddest Lines
But last night your words took over.
Why can't he be you? I mused.

---

White Chocolate

I dreamed about you last night. It was the first time in three years. I cannot figure out what was the occasion or where did it happen. But I supposed there was a gathering of some sort. I saw familiar faces-- friends from college, someone from the office, long-lost friends.

There were several rows of white chairs, all facing in one direction. A friend and I were about to sit in the second row, the two seats nearest to the center aisle, when you showed up. You were wearing your usual grin and carrying a backpack. I was surprised and momentarily stood there, frozen. Luckily, I had easily recovered my stance and smiled back at you. You seemed to lose weight. Probably, it was because of the boyish haircut. Or, it could be your get-up. I really cannot tell but something had changed, which made my sight more fascinating.

You occupied the chair in the first row, the one nearest to the center aisle and infront of my seat. You put down your backpack on the chair and approached me. It was not so dramatic though (there was actually no drama involved). It was far from what we usually see in movies, when friends or lovers or family members once again meet after a long absence.

Our meeting was somewhat casual. Plain. Restrained. But you know what was so memorable in that fleeting trance? I noticed you were wearing a funny pair of chocolate brown socks. It has a cartoon character, which looks like Mickey Mouse, printed on both sides. I do not understand why, of all the things I could have observed and remembered, your funny pair of socks has registered in my memory. That was weird and, in a way, amusing.

After our small talk, someone had approached us and bluntly asked about a certain plan and date. I did not know how to react on that. Glad you saved me with your response. I am not really sure about the details you gave. But waking up at four o'clock in the morning with a smile on my face, somehow, gave me an idea of what it was and how the conversation ended.

*****
Currently listening to 3 Doors Down's Here Without You.

The Reason

By Hoobastank
(E-C#m-A-B-E2-D, *C#m-A-B-E)

I'm not a perfect person
There are many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go that I just want you to know
*I've found a reason for me, to change who I used to be
A reason to start over new, and the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear

Repeat *

And the reason is you (3X)
I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

Repeat *
I've found a reason to show a side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do and the reason is you

******
Ako kaya, kelan ko mahahanap yung reason ko?

To someone who never fails to say goodnight

As if you know me.
As if we have met.
As if I am somebody special.
As if you will stay.
As if for good.

*********
Hey, thanks for giving me enough excuse to smile in the morning.

Halo-halo Espesyal

Stupid question #1: Posible bang maka-experience ng midlife crisis ang taong wala pa sa midlife?
Parang hindi, ano? Sobrang aga pa naman para magkaroon ako ng midlife crisis. Pero feeling ko andun ako sa stage na yun. Para akong pinaghalong Bob at Charlotte ng Lost in Translation. May gustong marating, pero di alam kung saan. May gustong mangyari, pero di alam kung pano gagawin.

Ewan ko ba. Sa batch namin, ako na lang ata yung walang definite plan. Lahat sila seryoso na sa buhay. Bakit, seryoso din naman ako ah? Yun nga lang, ibang level. Mas mababaw. Short-termed yung goals. Halimbawa: sila, nagi-ipon na para sa house rent at iba pang bills; ako eto-- nagi-iipon para sa isang Prince badminton racket, Canon SLR digital camera, at studio lighting setup. Yung iba married na yung status sa friendster, ako constantly changing from in a relationship to open relationship to single and so on and so forth. Get the picture?

===
Stupid question # 2: May advantage ba talaga pag may specific plan?

Di rin obvious, no?

Nung isang hapon, sinama ako ng bestfriend ko sa isang seminar sa AIM. INTER-ED, study abroad thingy. Interesting naman. Actually, tempting would be the right term. After nung event, tinanong ako ng bestfriend ko: "So, what do you think? Ano, gusto mo next year?" Whoah. Ang bilis naman nyang mag-decide! Next year?! Parang kaka-grad ko lang last year, tapos aral na naman? And for the nth time, may nag-question na naman sa masterplan ko sa buhay. Mag-e-MBA daw ba ko. May plan ba ko mag-work abroad. Kelan na raw ba talaga kami magsi-settle down ng boyfriend ko. *Whew* Do I really have to answer those things in one breath? As in, now na?

As usual, dinaan ko na naman sa biro. "I'm too young for that." Enjoy muna 'ko sa pagiging 20-something, yuppie, coffee-addict, and single. And besides, I'm only turning 24 (but look much younger than that...pramis) this year. So what's the rush? Pero, feeling ko di ko sya na-convince.
===
Stupid question # 3: Umiikot lang ba talaga ang cycle?

Anlabo. Pero di nga, ba't ganon? Ba't kelangan ba nating sumabay sa trend? Ba't kelangang pareho yung pagdadaan nating cycle? Na kesyo sa ganitong age dapat ganun na yung nagawa mo. Di naman sa kino-contest ko yung idea, pero magkakaiba naman tayo ng pacing? Parang sa inuman. Kahit isa lang yung size ng shot glass at isang tao lang yung tumatagay, may tinatamaan agad at meron namang nabibitin. Magkakaiba yung level of tolerance natin. Same thing with our contentment level. Eh anong magagawa ko kung mababaw lang kaligayahan ko? Kahit nga yung definition ng happy, simple lang para sa 'kin. Something that makes me smile. Brief, literal, corny. Walang stunning words.

Ang punto ko...kelangan bang magkaron ako ng punto? Dapat ba may sense lahat? Kelangan bang may thesis statement itong pinagsusulat ko dito? Ewan.

Kidding aside, simple lang ang punto ko: kanya-kanya lang yan.


*****
Hindi lahat ng pwede, dapat. Hindi lahat ng dapat, pwede. What of it? Wala lang.

Beating the Red Light

There's a recurring movie in my mind. The opening scene is always a long shot of a woman, in her early 20's, running in slow-mo. The setting is somewhat indistinct. All I can see is a series of horizontal uneven lines, which indicate that the whole thing happens in fast pace. Everything is captured using a wide lens and in high contrast. She seems composed but her eyes reflect ambiguities. She is either running away from or chasing something, I'm not really sure. I hardly guess where she comes from or is heading to. The running scene plays occasionally. Sometimes, it is even accompanied by an unfamiliar music, which I believed has emo-punk influence. I know, there are more significant events that happen before and after that particular scene. The previous one would be the cause, the succeeding its effect. This scene is just a time lapse. But why am I stuck with it?

*****
ang labo mo...

Theory of Relativity

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As the tip of his pen
finally touches the silver ink
and the paper assents
to listen to his song,
she leaves, still unaware
of the lines that talk only of her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*****
Is she in a hurry? Or, are you just too late?

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 License.

Puzzles

My hand does not seem
to fit with anyone's.
Although, it has tried to find
its perfect match.

Some have soft grip,
causing mine to easily detach.
Others grab too much,
leaving sour mark and scars.

Now I'm wondering---
how would it feel like with yours?
Where will your hold fall?
And until when?

*****
I'm not asking for a perfect hand,
just the right one.

Spaces in Between

They stand on the line
with drenched clothes and
uncertain plans, waiting
for their dreams to come.

I am in a safe corner,
sitting comfortably in
a cushion seat, watching
them with jealous heart.

*****
how i wish i had their guts...

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 License.

Hey Woman

"Your left hand is the sensible one.
Your right hand is the crazy one.
Your left hand does what it should.
Your right hand does what it pleases.
Your left hand will support you.
Your right hand will surprise you.

Women of the world, raise your right hand!"


*****
Happy Women's Day!
Hmmm..well, the official celebration was actually yesterday.

Pantomine

~~~~~~~~~~~
if i close my eyes
and fake my smile,
would the heavens
still see my doubts?
~~~~~~~~~~~

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 License.

Quiescence

The clock's hands meet at 11
As the full moon tries to steal her sleep
And the night awaits recurring dreams
Yet her mind, rapt, somewhere else.

A Tribute

POOR MAN'S GRAVE
eraserheads

I know a man who had nothing
He was a poor man all his life
He lived in a shack by the roadside
With starving kids and a loving wife

He went to church every Sunday
He prays from morning until night, he said
Good Lord, why have you forsaken me
When everything I did I thought was right

Now my Life is coming to an end
There's only one thing I'm wishing for
All my days I have never sinned
So I hope you wont ignore
What I'm asking for...

* Oh honey when I die
Dress me up in a coat and tie
Give my feet a pair of shoes
That I haven't wore in a long time
** Put me in a golden box
>Not a cross on a pile of rocks
Bury me where the grass is green
And the gates are shining...

*** Oh honey when I die
Give me a bed of roses
Where I could lie
I'm gonna use up all the money that I saved
'Coz I dont wanna lie in a poor man's grave...

I know a man who had nothing
He dreamed of satin sheets all his life
He lived and worked like a dog
Licking every boot he sees just to survive

He comes home drunk every night
Wakes up the kids and talks to his wife, he said
Honey you have been so good to me I only wish we had a better life
And now my life’s coming to an end
There's only one thing I'm wishing for
All my days I have lived in shame
So I hope you wont ignore
Just what I'm asking for...

(repeat *, **, and ***)

*****

He left his wife, two daughters, and a son. He never gave any reason; he simply ended his life using his daughter’s jumping rope, a gift he gave when she was three years old. He was in his early 30's.

For seven years, the longest conversation I had with him was "Happy New Year!" To think, he just lived one door away from us. I saw him got drunk. I heard him yelled at his wife and cursed other people. I watched him threw things away. But I know he was a good man and I'm not saying this because he's dead. I'm saying this because he was there when we badly needed help on simple things. He would fix our broken sink and water pump so that we could go to our appointment on time. He would clean my kuya's car before a big date or something. He would give us a small plate of laing when my aunt teases him that we're sick of meat.

I have been thinking...now I know why the news of his death somehow pierced my heart.

I'm still bothered, though. Of all the possible choices, why would someone choose to end his life? And why in a very slow process? Why the day before his wedding anniversary? Why before his daughters’ birthday? Ganon pa la yon. It's so easy to talk and give remarks about suicide when you don't know personally the person involved. Otherwise, you'll just realize that all you can say is "Why?" And you will keep on saying it until the thought that it's really over has sinked in.

My Summer Solstice

I miss my poetry.
The common sights are mostly composed of blank screen and ink-blotted sheet.

I miss the songs.
The sound becomes less soothing and the beat more dreary.

I miss the butterflies.
The restlessness caused by glances and chance meeting gradually escapes.

I miss the anticipation.
Would the phone ring? Will I be there if it does?

I miss the touch.
A hand enfolding another hand is replaced by mere words, or worse by illusion.

I miss being incomplete.
The curiosity for what’s next? and will there be?
And the faith that only one person can make me feel safe Slowly die out.

I miss having someone who keeps me waiting.
I miss small fights and making-up. I miss falling.

Time Lapse

You're missing me? Oh...
"If missing me is hard to do,
You should try missing you."
How about that? Fair enough?

Passing Thoughts

the moon is in the
mood of teasing souls tonight.

~~~~~~~~~~~
i wrote my sorrow
wrapped it in a piece of paper
begged the wind to sweep it away
with the stars as my witnesses.

~~~~~~~~~~~
the sky confesses:
i see your life as one big metaphor
it's a wave silently rushing
toward and away from the shore.

******
senti mode. wala lang. ;-)

follow-up lang 'to.

ang gulo ng december 25 ko. buti na lang na-agapan. kung hindi--- kill! ewan ko ba, pag dating talaga siguro sa lovelife na yan...malas ako. fault ko rin naman eh. simpleng reply lang di ko pa ginawa. ano ba naman yung "hi" di ba? ewan, inabot na naman yung pride ko. nagmagaling. tuloy, naging madrama yung simula ng pasko ko. subtle lang nung una. masama raw ang loob nya. kesyo di na raw ako nagpaparamdam. ang lungkot-lungkot na raw doon, tapos ni wala man lang balita galing sa kin. shit. syempre medyo na-guilty ako. sabay sorry.

maya-maya, nag-iba na yung mood. eh medyo inspired yung guts ko nun ni don cuervo. ilang shots din yon. kaya isang tanong nya, isang sagot naman ako. honesty pala ha. eh di naging honest ako.

ano ba ang gusto nyang malaman? ano ba ang dapat nyang malaman? dami nang nagbago. hirap na hirap na ko. sanay na ko na wala ka. di na kita nami-miss. ang labo na nung sa tin. 2 years? wow, parang ang dali-daling maghintay. pagbalik mo ba, di ka na ulit aalis?

ano pa ba ang gusto nyang malaman? ano pa ba yung dapat nyang malaman? di na ko sure sa nararamdaman ko sa'yo. ang dami na nating napalampas at pinapalampas na mga bagay. ang hirap nang sabayan. nakakapagod nang maghabol. umiyak sya. iniyakan na naman ako. pinaiyak ko na naman sya. may napaiyak na naman ako.

shit talaga. remember the book? yung binigay ko sa kanya last month. GUESS HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU? oo nga naman. ano yon? lokohan? sandali, umiiyak na rin pala ako. sorry, minsan ang selfish ko talaga.

uuwi sya para lang may mapatunayan. parang pwede? sabihin na nating pwede, kung gugustuhin. pero ayoko. ano na lang sasabihin ng parents nya? sinisira ko future nya? pero di ba sabi nya part ako ng future na yon? na ako nga ata yung future na yon?

wag na lang. tapusin mo na. maghihintay na lang ako. just promise me that when you come back, you're going to stay with me for good. ang bigat nung pinakawalan ko sa kanyang salita. ang bigat din nung pinangako nya. "baby, dalawang pasko na lang."

*sigh*

******
12/25/2003. 37th month. 2:00 to 9:00 AM, all cards have been laid down. hoping.

Throbbing Pieces

I heard tears falling.
I feel pain in your voice.
I saw heartbeats weakening.
I wanted to stop them.
I was dying to stop them.
But when I tried,
I heard my own tears.
I feel my voice causing the same pain.
I saw my heartbeats tracing yours, fragmented and silenced.
The struggle was wounding.
I couldn't even stop mine.
Now, how could I stop yours?

*****
for making you feel the way you're not supposed to,
i'm sorry.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.5 License.

Eve Rantings

bullshit! ano ka ba?! what the hell were you thinking?! 2 years na lang naman di ba? why couldn't you wait?! do you have any idea how much hurt you've caused? it's not only christmas. it's also your goddamn anniversary! and what did you do? you called that honesty? bullshit! to hell with honesty! you could've at least be kind enough to tell the person white lies. he's alone,in the first place. the only support you can give is the assurance that when he comes back, you're still there-- waiting. now, you've made today the saddest christmas of his life. and now, you're also crying? what the fuck is that?! guilt? regrets? how selfish could you get?

Half-hearted 2

The future passed
by my thought today.
I didn't see you.

Trance

Where did the smile come from?
When did it begin?

to be continued...

Second Thought

he has plans for her, just like you.
and he's here, you're not.

******
he invited her to go somewhere this holiday.
but for some reason, she just couldn't.
lucky you...

Half-hearted

Did I say I love you too?
Can I take it back?


*****
I'm so bad, I'm so bad, I'm so bad.

One Cup Habit

you order a cup
"iced cold," you say,
"with whipped cream"

they hand it to you
making sure that all
your requests are done

you smell its taste
you taste its smell
it's your solemn ritual

it moistens your hand
until your mind freezes
and the world stops

"it's safe again," you say
this is your private moment
as you sip, as you breathe.

*****
i tried another flavor last night.
they called it mocha fredoccinno.

Favor

Hold me, please?
Hold me until I fall asleep.
It was a heavy day.
Let me rest.

******
So much emotional drama today.

Sleeping on the Ashes

The sky seems so calm tonight,
Kids play their usual games,
Adults continue yesterday's conversation,
Noise is somehow bearable.

The evening breeze changes direction,
Tranquility passes by without notice,
There are hidden tears,
But chaos is mute.

Every glance pierces,
Scared faces pour,
Silence becomes alarming,
Everyone wishes it to end.

Tonight is not the usual night,
It's burning,
But it would end soon,
It must.

*****
There was a big fire near the office. There were sad faces along the highway.
It's 19 days before Christmas. And I hate to see those sullen eyes. I feel helpless.